


The Tired Heart I Buried

by timetoboldlygo



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Namixi, Background Zexion, Break up but still in love, Childhood Friends, Getting Back Together, I PROMISE THEY ARE STILL IN LOVE, Infected Characters, Inspired by The Last of Us, M/M, Minor Character Death - Vanitas, References to Suicide as a way to get out of being infected, assumed major character death but he's FINE, but boy do i mean BACKGROUND, more tags to be added as i add more chapters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2020-04-06 22:56:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 78,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19072372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timetoboldlygo/pseuds/timetoboldlygo
Summary: Sora used to love summer, spending whole days out in the sunshine until he amassed a whole collection of freckles sprinkled along his cheeks and shoulders and nose. Riku would trace his fingers along the back of Sora’s neck, thinking about how those freckles were just like constellations. He never said it aloud but Sora usually smiled like he knew anyways.Now Sora had a rifle on his shoulder. His eyes were narrowed. He was reaching for a knife, because a knife was quiet, and this was just one infected, and a gunshot would call more. Riku hated that they didn’t even think about that, anymore. That’s what happened to them, four years into the end of the world. They became something else.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so i decided there needed to be a zombie au for soriku and this just happened. i have the whole thing written and am currently editing the rest of it, and it'll probably be about 12ish chapters??? i dunno. i just had a lot of feelings about riku and the apocalypse, and how much he must suffer by letting himself be a bad person to protect sora....... and how they'd get through it all
> 
> this is inspired by the last of us but if u haven't played that video game its fine, its basically just slightly different zombies . fungi zombies instead of undead zommbies
> 
> title is from "let me love" by archis

It was Sora who noticed first. He tried to smother his gasp with his hand but Riku was way past being attuned to Sora. He’d have noticed the way Sora went tense even if he hadn’t made a sound. So he followed Sora’s eyes to the building across the street, where people were being marched out by military and lined up in a row on the sidewalk.

One of them, a tall skinny woman, got shoved in the back with a rifle and fell to her knees, sending droplets everywhere when she landed right in the middle of a puddle. It had been raining for days, dripping down Riku’s neck and the back of his shirt so that he’d shiver. It wasn’t raining now but he shivered all the same.

There was the dead body of an infected being dragged out, too, bare feet scraping against the pavement until some soldier dropped it onto the sidewalk with a thud. It was wearing torn nurse scrubs, but it - she - still looked mostly human, apart from the broken angles its arms were at, rising up slender like broken wings. Some infected were covered in fungi, the infection in the brain working its way outward with enough time, but not this one. This one must have been newly turned, if it was in the zone. It must have been just killed, too, if they weren’t worried about the infection spreading.

Had she been a nurse or had she stolen these clothes? Once they were dead, Riku felt bad for the person they used to be. It was only the alive ones he saw clawing at him in nightmares.

“Oh no,” Sora said softly as the woman who’d fallen pulled at the boot of one of the black uniformed military members. He pulled away with some disgust as a white-coated scientist went down the line, ignoring the crying and the begging. He had an infection scanner in his hand and was coolly and methodically pulling away collars and hair to press the stupid beeping thing behind the ear to check for signs of infection.

Riku shivered at the thought of those cold inhuman gloves touching the back of his neck. For an instant he was eighteen again, and the infection was just something on the news that didn’t seem real but he was scared anyways, heart in his throat.

One of the soldiers turned their blank helmet visor towards them and pointedly cleared his throat. Riku came back to himself, remembered where he was. A depressing safe zone, nearly four years into the end of the world, and not really feeling that safe.

Riku pulled Sora back a step, Sora stumbling a little bit. The visor turned away from them. “We should get away.” He steered Sora away from the building and down the street. Sora was visibly struggling not to look back. His back under Riku’s heavy hand flinched when they heard the gunshots; Riku was sure he did too.

“Maybe -” Sora said, but he didn’t follow through with the thought. Riku could guess what he was thinking - _maybe we could have helped them_ \- but they couldn’t, and they both knew it. That was the price you paid if you hid from the military in an infected building, breathing in spores. It was just plain stupidity and desperation. If they were infected, they were infected.

“Let’s just get home.” What else could he say? Their building was thirty feet away, looming above them. Inside it was dark and dank and the sheets, which they were lucky to have, were all damp anyways.

“ _Or_ ,” Sora said. Riku knew that desperation. It had become all too common in the past year, once they’d actually managed to worm their way into a safe zone. It hadn’t been as familiar when they were outside. He had Riku’s wrist in a vice-like grip, and Riku could feel how it was trembling, just slightly. “We could go outside?”

“Please let’s just go back to home to Roxas.” Practically begging.

Sora’s brother was back home, sulking in his room after slamming the front door open ten minutes earlier and startling Riku so much that his hand flew to his waist, even though he no longer had a gun holster there. He might have actually shot if he had one.

“Everything okay?” Riku had asked hoarsely, shoving his hands in his pockets so that no one would _know_ he’d reached for a gun. Sora noticed, of course, because you couldn’t hide anything from Sora, but he didn’t say anything, too busy trying to calm Roxas down.

“Ask _him_.” Roxas pointed angrily at Sora. Riku squinted at Sora in confusion, but didn’t even manage to say _what_ before Roxas slammed the door to his bedroom too.

Riku groaned. “Why is he mad now?”

Sora sighed. “It’s a long story.” He dragged his eyes away from Roxas’s door. “You wanna go for a walk?”

It wasn’t until they were outside in the weak pale light that Riku could see the angry red bruising on his cheek and a cut across his nose. Sora said it had been someone trying to mug them, very unsuccessfully. Riku was forcing Sora to hold still so he could inspect it and he’d been satisfied it would all heal - the cut on his nose was already beginning to scab - when Sora noticed the military standing guard at the building behind them.

“Just an hour,” Sora said now, at the steps of their building. It would be easy to walk up them. Four steps to the front door, another flight to their tiny apartment, a key in the lock that was mostly for show because a good kick would take the paint-peeled thing off its hinges.

“Sora,” Riku sighed, but it was pointless. They both knew he would cave. Roxas wouldn’t expect them back another hour or two anyway. “Just an hour, okay?”

Sora gave him a strained smile. For a second, Riku thought he was going to lean in for a kiss - he could tell Sora wanted to, for some semblance of comfort - but then Sora abruptly remembered that he wasn’t supposed to do that anymore, because you weren’t supposed to kiss people who had broken up with you, and leaned back on his heels instead, increasing the distance.

Riku had thought old habits would have faded by now - it had been more than a year since he’d broken up with Sora, but it was too easy to forget that little detail when he’d spent most his life orbiting around Sora, hands skimming at his shoulders, breathing the same air. It was easy to reach for him and pull him close - he’d never been more than an arm’s length away - when the corner of Sora’s mouth quirked up, when Riku _made_ him smile. He still knew just how to do it, too, how to coax even the most petulant, impatient Sora into sunshine and starlight.

He supposed a breakup didn’t mean much when they’d been best friends their entire lives, not when they’d been each other’s partners throughout this entire apocalypse, and not when they were still best friends now. And Sora would never let him go, and so Riku constantly curled his hands into fists to avoid reaching out and running his fingers over Sora’s lips.  

Riku was still spinning around him, he’d just specifically placed himself more than an arm’s length away.

Instead of kissing him, Sora let go of Riku’s wrist. He never held Riku’s hand anymore, because the rules surrounding kissing your ex were the same regarding holding hands, but he seemed to consider Riku’s wrist fair game. And they _had_ broken up. Riku had broken up with him.

“Okay,” Sora promised. They walked away from their building. “An hour!”

Even an hour was dangerous and even an hour would probably ensure Roxas murdered both of them. He’d always been a little touchy and lately, being in the safe zone, he’d been worse, any small thing setting him off so that he was yelling again, yelling at his brother again like he never had before. Pissing him off was such a bad, stupid idea. But he was already pissed off and Riku couldn’t stand when Sora looked like that - like he was dying inside the safe zone, no matter how safe it was.

\-----

The first infected Riku had ever seen had been his next-door neighbor, breaking through one of the full-length front windows of Riku’s ugly modern home. Presumably it had seen Riku through the glass, since there weren’t any curtains up, because curtains didn’t match the decor, or so Riku’s mother had told him when they moved into this place and she’d hired someone to decorate.

There had been an explosion in the city.

It had been so big that Sora and Riku had seen the smoke rising from miles away as they stopped to talk in the parking lot, Sora meant to go one way off to soccer practice and Riku meant to go to track. Riku assumed it was a wildfire burning through the brush miles away until an emergency alert had popped up on his phone saying nothing at all about fire and his heart skipped a beat.

Riku’s coach had cancelled practice. Sora had skipped his, instead just rounding the hood of Riku’s car and getting in the passenger seat, frown etched into his face. He’d put popcorn in the microwave as a snack, but when he sat down with the bowl in front of the news, it suddenly felt way too much like they were about to watch a movie together. The popcorn stuck in Riku’s throat.

News anchors were stoic, reporting that patients were running wild after an earlier explosion at the hospital, seemingly with some sort of virus that was preventing brain function and was this related at all to the outbreak in Texas hospital due to infected crops? Riku and Sora didn’t know, of course, so they remained glued to the screen, watching footage of fire and a woman in a hospital gown racing barefoot across the street.

They kept showing that footage, over and over. The woman’s cheerful pink gown, spots of blood on the hem, the dirt and mud on her feet as she raced away, into the bushes on the side of the highway.

Riku hadn’t let go of Sora’s hand the whole night. His fingers were probably numb by now, but Riku’s mother worked at the hospital, and she hadn’t texted him yet. She would have texted him. So Sora didn’t let go. He’d been tired all day, Riku knew, but he wasn’t going to show it, not now. He just tucked himself against Riku’s side, unnaturally still except for where he was playing with Riku’s hands, tracing the lines on Riku’s palms like they would tell the future.

When the phone finally rang, startling the both of them, Riku leapt for it, dislodging Sora from his shoulder to grab it from the counter after just one ring. “Mom?”

“Riku!” The phone line was staticky.

“Mom, are you okay? I’m - are you at the hospital? I’m watching the news-”

“I’m okay.” She didn’t sound okay, she sounded worried. “Riku, listen to me, very carefully, okay? You need to find a way to get to your uncle’s, okay? Take the car and go to your uncle’s farm. Don’t stop for anything until you get there. You need to get away from the city.”

Riku frowned, confused. Wasn’t the safest place home? “I’m with Sora right now.”

“Okay, go to Sora’s house,” his mother said immediately. “Stay with Sora’s parents, okay, no matter what. If you can, get _them_ to go to your uncle’s. Tell them what I said.”

Riku didn’t like the way his mother was talking. On the TV screen, the images kept changing, finding new shots of hospital patients, new shots of the explosions spreading out across the living room floor in technicolor. Riku reached over and turned on the kitchen light, not wanting to sit in the dark any longer. On the couch, Sora made a whining noise. “Mom, what’s going on?”

“There’s an outbreak,” his mother said urgently. In the background, Riku could hear something crackling. Someone told her to _hurry it up_ and Riku’s heart skipped a beat. “An infection that affects brain processes. Infected people are going around and attacking people. It’s very _very_ dangerous.”

“Is that what caused that explosion?”

“Yes.” Something crashed behind her, and there was beeping. “Be careful, okay, stay safe-”

The phone cut off. Riku stared at it for a second, like maybe his mother would call him back, but he knew even then that she never would. She was at the hospital, the center of outbreak, and she’d called to warn him. Whatever it was, it was dangerous. Really dangerous.

Riku peeled his fingers from the phone, the joints tense. She was never going to call him back, was she?

“Riku!” Sora called, sitting up. Riku turned to look at him just as someone slammed through one of their windows.

Mr. Jones didn’t work at the hospital, but maybe he’d caught the infection somewhere else. Either way, he had bloody cuts all over from the glass down his face and his clothes were covered in blood, and so were his hands, which were trying to claw at Sora’s face.

Mr. Jones was nice. He had a daughter who Sora sometimes babysat, and Riku mowed the lawn for him for extra money occasionally, and he’d actually been the one to drive Riku to the clinic when Riku had broken his arm sailing over the handlebars on his bike and his mother hadn’t been home and the whole time that Riku had been crying, Mr. Jones was trying to cheer up him.

Where was his daughter? Was she lying prone on his kitchen floor, attacked, bleeding out?

“Riku!” Sora cried again, because he was being _attacked_ in the here and now. Riku blindly reached for the lacrosse stick that lay behind the back of the couch and smashed it across Mr. Jones’s back. That stunned him for a second, just enough for Sora to throw him off and for the both of them to back away into the kitchen, Sora pulling Riku along around the island, slipping in his socked feet.

Mr. Jones didn’t care about the lacrosse stick. He didn’t seem to care about much of anything beyond screeching white-hot rage at them, drool spilling out his mouth.

They didn’t know anything, then. They didn’t know what his white eyes meant, the iris invisible, or the scratches on Sora’s arm, or anything. They were just scared.

Riku didn’t really remember killing Mr. Jones. He remembered slamming Sora’s lacrosse stick around and Mr. Jones didn’t so much as dodge as just continue on his war path. He remembered saying over and over, “Oh god, we killed him. We killed him.”

But he didn’t remember actually doing it. He didn’t remember what hit had made Mr. Jones crumbled to the floor, what injury had sent red blood spreading across the white tile, only that it had happened.

Sora had grabbed his hand and dragged him away from the body - oh god, the _body_. He remembered Sora hugging him so tight, like he knew that Riku would break apart if he let go. Riku sobbed, too, like he hadn’t ever sobbed before, even when he was alone.

He remembered Sora taking control, kneeling in front of Riku and cupping his jaw so that he was forced to look into Sora’s depthless blue eyes, blurry from tears. “You gonna be okay?”

Riku nodded, Sora’s thumb tracing a rough path down his cheek. He didn’t look back at the kitchen, where the body was. He didn’t know, still. It just seemed like he should nod.

“Okay.” Sora’s hands disappeared from Riku’s jaw. Riku felt unweighted for just a second until Sora’s arm appeared around his waist, hauling him up. Sora was always so surprisingly strong and Riku leaned into him, clutching at his shirt. He didn’t want to be alone. “We have to go. Put your shoes on.”

“What?”

Sora picked up Riku’s sneakers and shoved them into his arms. “Your shoes, Riku, put them on.”

“But we - we - Mr. Jones -”

“We have to go,” Sora said, grabbing his backpack. Riku stood there, holding his shoes while Sora collected things. His wallet, his baseball bat, both their phones. He shoved everything important into their backpacks, dumping out the binders and notebooks. This he remembered most clearly - even though Riku had been the one to _hear_ that this was an emergency, Sora was the one who reacted like it was. Like he had a premonition of what was coming, like he could have mapped the rest of the year out with no hesitation. “We have to go my house.”

“But - what about after that?”

Sora shook his head. “I don’t know.” He checked his phone. No new messages, apparently, because he shoved it into his pocket with a growl. “My house, first. Roxas is there, and maybe Mom. We can figure it out when we get there. Riku, _please_ put on your shoes.”

Riku put on his shoes. His hands were trembling and he was trying not to cry again but his vision was smearing, the lights so bright so that he couldn’t focus on the laces. Sora let out a little huff of air and put his hand on Riku’s shoulder, just enough comfort to help Riku tie his sneakers.

“Thanks,” he said, looking up at Sora.

Sora was crying. Silently, just letting tears stream down his face. He cried all the way he was driving Riku’s car to his house, tears falling off the edge of his chin, face stoic.

He was scared - broken - too.

\-----

It seemed naive to say, but when they’d finally made it to the safe zone eight months ago, Riku had kind of thought it would solve everything. Or at least, the immediate problems. There was no changing the hordes of infected still outside the walls, but inside the walls there were rations, beds, and military protection.

That of course did not explain why he was currently shimmying through a basement as a way to leave the safe zone. Blame Sora.

It wasn’t like Riku loved living in the safe zone either - no one could love being inside the safe zone. It always smelled, the air was stale, and Riku forgot how to breathe when he saw the military with their rifles controlling the ration line. And the red bruising on Sora’s face was proof of how dangerous it could still be. But it was clear of infected, even if he could never relax just walking down the street.

It might have made for a shit life, but it was safer and better than Riku, Sora, and Roxas holding makeshift weapons and guns that they shouldn’t know how to use, carefully scavenging their way through long-abandoned towns for three full years.

It wasn’t a place for Sora, though, who was never meant to be trapped in a cage, even if outside the cage was full of danger. He was never meant to suffer so far away from the trees and the sun and life. Riku kind of thought that was why Roxas had been so upset lately. They hadn’t talked about it - it would be a long _long_ wait for Roxas to bring something up - but Riku and Roxas both knew that Sora wanted to leave. Sora hadn’t brought it up either, probably because he knew it was a moot point. He’d had to drag Roxas out of here and even then Roxas would be clinging to safety with his fingernails. He’d probably be content if they never left.

Sora never complained about it, either, which was why Riku always gave in when Sora asked to go outside.

He didn’t want to find out if Sora was desperate enough to go by himself.

He’d rather spend an hour outside with Sora, keeping an eye on him, the way he always had and was always going to do. He’d keep his hand on his pistol, nervous, the whole time, always watching. It wasn’t that they’d never gone outside the safe zone once they’d entered, because they had. Every month or so, they’d meet up with a smuggler named Yuffie, who brought them liquor, painkillers, bullets, anything that people in the zone might want and, more importantly, would pay for. And of course, Sora always managed to convince Riku to leave for an hour or two, here and there.

It was just that they’d been living in the safe zone for almost a year. They might have been doing just fine fending for themselves in the couple of years after the outbreak hit, when the only safe zones were for government figures and, correspondingly, they were all being overrun, but now there _were_ citizen safe zones. What if living in comparable safety had made him soft?

Leaving the safe zone wasn’t difficult - just kind of stupid - but they’d made it complicated purposefully.

They had to cut through an empty apartment, squeeze through a hole in the wall, drop through a few basements and crawl through a sewer pipe. But they’d definitely be thrown out if their apartment was invaded, and even if Sora wouldn’t mind that turn of events, they kept it in the basement near the edge of the wall.

Sora reached for a shotgun, methodically checking the chamber. Riku did the same, carefully pulling his jacket on, then his gloves on, covering as much skin as possible until he pulled a scratchy scarf over his nose. If Sora was smiling under his own red scarf, Riku couldn’t see it. Sora hadn’t been smiling a lot lately anyways.

Sora climbed out of the basement first - he had better hearing; he’d know immediately if something was wrong. Today it seemed like the only thing wrong was the heavy silence Sora kept he crawled up into the partially destroyed house, but Riku was getting used to that, too.

The first floor was completely boarded up and empty as could be, so to get out, they went up to the second story and climbed out a window down to the backyard. From there, they had to take the ladder and prop it up against the wall of the high school so that they could get up to the second-floor windows, which weren’t boarded up.

None of it was difficult or hard to remember, but it was damn near impossible for infected to get in.  There was no higher brain function in an infected beyond Attack and Eat; they really couldn’t comprehend ladders.

The school was mostly boarded up as well, but if they skirted the gym and the cafeteria, they’d find themselves just one set of double doors away from the street of a small suburb. No one really knew anymore what city it had been part of it, but it was empty, partially destroyed, and smelled like a backed-up sewer.

That never stopped Sora from dragging his scarf down to take a deep breath the second he felt the breeze on his face. Never stopped him from looking lighter, looking so much like the old Sora that it seemed impossible that Riku could have believed the pale imitation he’d been with in the zone.

Sora wanted to leave. Riku knew it. He’d never say it, because Sora was made from sacrificing bits of himself for other people, but he wanted to leave. Riku knew it was true with every fiber of his being, even without seeing the silly little smile Sora had on his face every time they made it outside.

Sora wasn’t meant to be trapped inside concrete walls, far away from the trees and always being watched.

“It’s nice out,” Sora said, half-surprise, half-joy. They were both wearing coats more suitable to fall or winter than late summer, because it was hard to bite through coats, but outside the zone, there was a crisp breeze that didn’t make it through the concrete. It was almost a surprise to realize September was just around the corner. They didn’t have much use for calendars.

Sora used to love summer. He bused tables on the boardwalk in the evenings and sat in a lifeguard chair during the day. Sometimes he taught kids how to surf. By the end of the summer, he’d have amassed a collection of freckles, sprinkled along his cheeks and shoulders and nose, and Riku would trace his fingers along the back of Sora’s neck, thinking about how those freckles was just like constellations. He never said it aloud but Sora usually smiled like he knew anyways.

That was almost four years ago, though. Now Sora had a rifle on his shoulder. He had a hand on his bow, instead, because they all knew that a bow and arrow was a lot quieter than a gun, and Riku hated that they didn’t even think about that, anymore. As he watched, Sora raised his bow and notched an arrow, taking aim.

Down the road, there was a lone infected. It had fungi covering its head, so it would never see them, it just kept limping down the street, turning around at the slightest sound. Sora’s arrow hit it right where the eye would be, if they could still see an eye. It dropped.

It wasn’t that Riku wanted the old Sora, because he loved the one he had right here, but he sometimes wished the old Sora had had a chance.

It was kind of a stupid thought, because out of all of them, Sora was the only one who still had that hope and the ability to laugh, really truly laugh, at stupid things. So maybe Riku just wished the old Riku had had a chance. Maybe they’d still be together if that were the case. If that were the case, though, maybe they wouldn’t be alive to know.

There was a little treehouse halfway down the street that they headed to - it had a rope ladder they could pull up, and they’d rigged up a board from the railing of the treehouse to a second-floor window. They met Yuffie here, when they could.

“Okay.” Sora hopped up onto the board as Riku pulled up the rope ladder behind them. Sora always walked across the bridge standing up and way faster than he should, which was _so_ stupid. It was a full story up, even if they had nailed the board to the floor. “Come on.”

“Yeah, yeah” Riku said, crawling across in a crouch because he wasn’t a reckless idiot willing to break his neck. Because it was a full story off the ground. Sora rolled his eyes but it was fond. He’d already disappeared down the hallway by the time Riku was safely across.

Riku followed him into the den. At one time, it must have been a cheerful family room, painted yellow with a comfortable gray couch and lots of pillows, all long since ruined. A tv stand stood against one wall, though the tv was long gone from looting that had turned out to be pointless. Now, the wall was missing, and they could see clear out to the front street, to left-behind bicycles and abandoned cars and green, green grass.

Sora was already pulling a jar of peanut butter out of the cabinet - they left extra food here sometimes, just in case, though Sora had definitely eaten several slightly mysterious things out of cabinets that were long past their expiration date before Riku could stop him. He’d been fine, of course, even when he’d eaten the three years past expired Doritos.

Sora offered the jar to Riku, who dragged a finger through it. It was still two-thirds full. Sometimes, when they came here, they sat on opposite sides of the room and made paper airplanes with the printer paper of the home office to launch at each other. Sometimes, Sora would do a backflip or cartwheels just to prove he still could.

Riku _did_ like coming here. It made him feel more normal. It made him feel like it was just him and Sora again, laughing on the floor his room. It made him feel like he could reach out and twine his hands with Sora’s again.

He’d hoped, a little stupidly, that maybe if they came to the safe zone, he could apologize and press kisses into Sora’s hair again. He could say _it was only out there that I couldn’t do it, we’re safe here, I’m not as bad here_. But he hadn’t yet. He didn’t deserve to. He wasn’t really any different in here, he was still mean and cold and cruel, and anyways, even if he was the old him, he’d still broken Sora’s heart, so what right did he have to beg for a kiss again?

Sora sat down at the edge of the floor, far enough away that if he stretched his legs out, his feet would hang over the edge. He didn’t do that today; instead he sat cross-legged, leaning back on his hands, and offered up, “I think the wall is gone because of aliens.”

Riku snorted and dropped down beside him, leaning back on his hands. “Okay.” If anyone could come up with a plausible alien theory, it was Sora. He could spin a tale like nobody else could. “Talk to me.”

Sora grinned.

They had a lot of theories about what had happened to the wall. Whatever it was had also taken out the staircase, so that the only way in was through the treehouse. Some of the wall downstairs still stood, though. For a while they’d wondered if maybe it had been the bombing that had done it. A lot of the safe zones had just bombed everything around them in the hopes of killing whatever infected they could; most of the area around the safe zone was barely standing. Part of the school was just rubble. But this house had one missing wall on a street where most of the damage was from neglect and the forces of nature.

Despite the evidence contrary, it still seemed the most likely option. Sora and Riku had spent long hours making up more and more ridiculous theories - five infected people stacked on top of each other like a circus act, a rogue car had flown into the sky and slammed in the house, maybe the family who lived here had just really hated that wall.

It was nice without the wall, though. The branches of the tree extended into the family room, hiding them from sight and waving in the cool breeze. It felt like they were the only the only two people in the world. Like Riku could forget anything and just be here, with Sora.

Sora reached over and squeezed Riku’s hand. He hadn’t quite stopped being so touchy-feely after their break-up, not really. Riku probably should have put a stop to it, but he didn’t always. Sometimes he could make himself to pull away, force the distance. He usually couldn’t, which he figured Sora took full advantage of.

Riku wasn’t sure if they’d still be this close without the infection. The romantic part of him that he often pretended didn’t exist wanted to say yes, of course, because he could barely remember a time they’d been apart in their entire lives. He distinctly remembered Sora crying about not wanting to go to summer camp unless Riku could go too, and that had been barely two weeks. Even a break-up hadn’t stopped them. He wanted to say yes because he’d loved Sora most his life, too. He wanted to say yes because Sora was so stubborn he probably wouldn’t have let them drift apart.

But who knew? Before the infection hit, over three years ago, Riku had finished applying to colleges, was expecting acceptances soon while Sora still had another year of high school left after Riku left. They hadn’t talked about it, but Riku knew they were going to try to stay together. But long-distance was hard and Riku was good at destroying things when they were stretched that tender and thin. Anything could have happened.

Anything _did_ happen.

Riku nudged Sora’s shoulder once the shadows on the street grew long, the sun no longer filtering through the green leaves above them. They both knew they had to be back before Roxas got off work, because Roxas hated when they went outside the zone and he didn’t really know about these little excursions. He must have known something was up, but possibly he was just willing to remain ignorant. Roxas was often good at that. He liked to avoid problems. Riku thought it was rather a natural response to having an older brother who faced every single head-on. There was no dancing around issues in the King house. Sora asked questions, always. He didn’t let things go.

That was why it was so worrying when he didn’t want to talk, because he wasn’t someone who kept secrets. His every emotion leaked out everywhere. And right now, he wasn’t talking. He Sora was just chewing at his lip and gazing ahead of them down the street, eyes narrow, which meant Riku had to take charge.

Riku poked him in the side and Sora jumped. “So what did you and Roxas fight about?”

Sora gestured to his face. “What else?”

Riku squinted at him, confused for a second before it clicked. “You said it was dangerous?” Sora must have used the opportunity, if a failed mugging could be called that, to try and talk to Roxas about leaving the zone. They’d been dancing around the subject for a while, Sora not wanting to bring it up because it would hurt so much, and Roxas not wanting to bring it up because maybe, if they avoided the conversation about leaving the zone forever, they never would. “Were you tactful?”

“Asshole,” Sora said, a smile in his voice. “Yeah, as much as I could be. I don’t want to hurt him, I just - I wish things were better, I guess. And - “ he fell silent again. “I don't know.”

Riku knew. Riku had known for a while, that Sora wanted to leave the zone. They'd spent so long trying to get there, almost two years, shuffling around between different cities and trying so hard to just live. They both knew that Sora wanted to leave, but Riku had never brought it up either. But Sora was slowly suffocating here. Maybe Riku was too.

So he said the unsaid. “You want,” he started to say, and he was so scared, his voice was so shaky, that he had to start over. “You want to leave the zone.”

Sora turned to him, his face so thankful and open, that Riku felt guilty. It was clear how much this had been weighing on him, it was clear how much Riku had chosen to overlook. He was being selfish again, and he always tried to promise himself that he wouldn’t be selfish, because Sora deserved better, but he’d been putting the conversation off. And Sora had let him, of course. Sora would do anything for Riku, for Roxas.

Riku could hate him, sometimes, for easy he made it to hurt him. So trusting, so open, so willing to forgive and let go. How many times now had Riku hurt him? Dozens? Thousands? Sora’s whole heart must resemble a purple bruise for how he let it love without caution and yet that bruised heart made him. Riku wouldn't love him if he were anything less.

“Yeah,” Sora said hoarsely. “I do.” He turned his face back to the road, pursing his lips. The infected he’d killed earlier was still lying in the middle of the road, completely still. Sora had pulled the arrow out but there was still blood pooling, spilling over the socket, staining the white fungi on its cheek red. “I hate being in there.”

“I know,” Riku said. “I, uh. I didn’t want to know, but I know.”

Sora shrugged, a short movement that revealed how tense he was. “I don’t know what to do.” His fingers tightened around Riku’s just as Riku was thinking about letting go. Maybe Sora had known. “Roxas doesn’t want to leave. You don’t want to leave. I’m nothing without you.”

Riku forced the next words out of his mouth. “I want to. I’m just scared to. There’s a difference.”

Sora let out a little laugh. “I guess.” His arm against Riku’s was warm. He always ran warm. “Does that change anything, though?”

“I don’t know,” Riku said. “But I don’t want to keep you here, Sora.” Wherever Sora wanted to go, Riku would do.

Sora rubbed at his eyes. “Okay.” They were nearing the school again, resolved to return to the zone. Sora paused just outside the door, about to push it open. “It - it doesn’t have to be that soon. But someday. Please?”

 _Please_. Riku hated himself for forcing Sora to do this, to force Sora to beg Riku for even a bit of hope. “Of course,” he said, trying to sound as steady as possible. “I promise.”

The school was creepy and dark at night, and reminded Riku a little bit of the Halloween haunted house the student council had always put on. Sora wasn’t scared a tiny bit - he was watchful or steady, as always - but Riku hated Halloween and scary movies and anything remotely spooky. Even with the school’s haunted house, Sora had always had to hold his hand.

Sora held his hand now, too, the other one on the spiked baseball he’d lifted off a dead body a year ago. Just because they usually kept the school clean didn’t mean something couldn’t wander in. But the ladder was right where they left it, set against the school wall. Sora went first, sliding down with reckless abandon, and Riku took a quick glance around the chem lab this clearly used to be, then followed, breathing a sigh of relief.

Roxas was waiting for them in the basement.

They could see him as they shimmied around the water heater, sitting there with a flashlight on, hand on a gun, hunched over on himself. He jerked his head up to look at them, snarl on his face. “You went outside the zone.”

Sora sucked in a breath. “We had to.” He took a step closer, like he was trying to soothe a scared animal. Riku was close behind him, even though he already knew this wasn’t his fight. This was between brothers. It always was. He started to remove his gear, instead. Anything to stay out of the fight which had been brewing for the better part of a year and which probably had no real answer.

“You didn’t have to!” Roxas threw up his hands, the flashlight creating wild light shows on the ceiling and making it hard to look at him. “You went outside the zone, without me! I didn’t even know if you’d come back alive! Why can’t you leave well enough alone?”

“I had to get out of there,” Sora said solidly. Whatever surprise it had been to find his little brother waiting for him, he clearly had prepared for this moment, whenever it was going to happen. “I need to-”

“I need you too.” Roxas rubbed furious at his eyes, trying not to cry. The shadows from the light painted both brothers like they were otherworldly, unknowable, but the tears were human. “I just want us to be safe. We don’t have to go looking for trouble.”

Roxas had kept this refrain up for the past four years, using to reel Sora in if he got too excited or too willing to risk it all to help total strangers. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t.

“I hate being trapped in here!” Sora threw his hands up too. Sometimes they were so similar it would have been easy to believe they were twins, minutes apart instead of three years. “Roxas, I know Hayner and-”

Roxas draw back like he’d been hit; Riku was sure he’d flinched too. “Don’t talk about them!”

They never talked about them. If anything, Riku was sure Roxas blamed him, in a way. Sora had gotten to keep his childhood friends - Riku had survived, and Kairi had a strong chance too, since she’d been the mayor’s daughter. But Hayner, Pence, and Olette hadn’t even made it past the initial outbreak - they’d been in the city for some indie movie premiere the night the hospital had broken down. Riku cleared his throat, trying to sound as gentle as possible. “Roxas-”

“This isn’t your business either.” Roxas didn’t even bother to look at him. Roxas rarely bothered to looked at him most of the time now. “This is between me and my brother.”

Sora frowned. “Hey, don’t talk to him like that.”

“He’s not the point!” Roxas shouted, pointing at Riku, who deeply wished he could be anywhere but this basement right now. Lately he’d always felt like this when around them. “The point is we are safe here and we can stay here! We can survive here!”

“We've seen what surviving does to good people!” Sora yelled. “I'm not gonna let that happen to us no matter how hard you seem to want to let it!”

For a second it was silent in the basement. “Hey,” Riku said eventually, feeling like he had to step in. Roxas, for his part, seemed so stunned by that that he couldn't say anything.

“No,” Sora said to Riku. “I don't care whatever hell the world is, I'm not gonna add to it. And you aren't either, Rox.”

“I’m not,” Roxas protested quietly, brushing away tears, and the argument was over.

Sora closed his eyes for just a second. “Rox,” he said quietly, sliding an arm around his baby brother’s waist. Roxas didn’t fight him, just turned and buried his face in Sora’s shoulder. He was just as tall as Sora now, and he was still angry. His hands were fists and he was angry. “I know losing them was really hard. I know you want to stay safe. But I can’t stay here forever.”

“Don’t,” Roxas mumbled.

“We’re safer here,” Sora conceded. He gave Roxas a quick squeeze. “But, Rox, we’re not safe. It’s not good in there. I know it’s scary outside and you might lose me. But this place is suffocating me. I don’t like what it’ll turn me into.”

Riku cast his eyes up to the dank ceiling. He’d never thought about it like that. They were all different now, of course they were. How could they not be? Riku had never shot a gun before that explosion at the hospital. And he knew he was meaner now. He knew because Sora wasn’t. If anything, Sora had become more compassionate, in a way Riku couldn’t match - he worried, of course he did, that one day he’d get to a point where he didn’t have any soul left. Wouldn’t be Riku at all, he’d just be the husk of Riku, just the body that had used to house his soul.

But he’d never thought the zone itself had made it worse.

“This isn’t working,” Sora continued. “You can stay in the zone if you want and I swear, I’m happy if you do.” And he meant it, too. He wouldn't care if Roxas wasn't brave enough to leave the zone; he'd never cared when Roxas or Riku let fear hold them back, but he'd never let them do the same to him. He was always going on ahead. “But I have to leave someday. I don’t wanna be trapped, and I wanna find Ventus.”

Roxas frowned. Their older brother had been across the country when the infection hit, and they had no idea where it was. “He’s probably dead or infected by now,” Roxas said. “Just like Vanitas is.”

Sora tried hard to hide his flinch, his hands curling into fists that matched Roxas’s. They never brought up Vanitas either. That was more Roxas’s doing that Sora’s, but Sora wasn’t really that eager to talk about _that_ brother. “I know.”

“There's an entire continent he could be.” Riku could easily admit that that one seemed like a stretch. Roxas clearly did. Sora, of course, did not, and that’s why he’d make it happen.

“I can walk.”

Roxas shook his head. “But if you need to come back, you won’t even be able to get in!”

“Well, it's a good thing I have you to sneak me in, then, huh?”

Roxas flinched back a little bit at that. “You'd - you’d really leave without me?”

Sora bit his lip. “I don't want to.” It was clear how much it hurt him to say. But even he knew that sometimes brothers couldn’t be together forever, not when they wanted - needed - such different things. “But I can't stay here much longer. It's just - it's _awful_. Come with me, Rox.”

“Stay a little longer,” Roxas pleaded, like they were having two separate conversations.

“Yeah, okay,” Sora said easily. He always gave in to Roxas so easily when they were kids, to the point where Roxas, sometimes, had gotten mad that he wasn’t even fighting back. But Sora loved his baby brother more than anything; he folded sometimes even when Roxas was raring to go, his eyes clearly saying he wanted Sora to get angry. “I’m not leaving that soon. Come on. Let’s get going before curfew.” He pressed a kiss to the side of Roxas’ head, and started pulling off his weapons. Riku did the same. Side by side, Sora glanced at Riku, and Riku shook his head.

They both knew Roxas was still angry, still afraid. Still cornered. Even as he’d been crying on Sora’s shoulder, he’d been a little mad that he couldn’t win this argument, even if Sora had given in. He could never win arguments against Sora; Sora was just too earnest to argue against.

As they walked home, Roxas scrubbing at his eyes in front of them, Riku could see anger everywhere.

\-----

Everything from the condemned building had been cleaned up. There weren’t any bodies, infected or otherwise. There were a few soldiers with hands on their rifles, and Riku ushered Sora and Roxas past as quickly as he could without seeming suspicious. They all did their best not to notice the blood still on the pavement.

Roxas stalked off to his room the second they got home, not saying a word. Sora tried to follow, but he slammed the door in Sora’s face.

Riku dropped onto the couch and stated the obvious. “That could have gone better.”

Sora cast a longing glance at him. “I know,” he said, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I just - I know he doesn’t want me to leave, but there’s something else too, and I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what he’s not telling me.”

For Sora, who knew everything about his brother, this had to be torture.

For a second, Riku thought he was going to ask to sleep in Riku’s bed, for a little bit of comfort. For all the hand-holding that Sora allowed himself after the breakup, this was the line he had yet to cross, even if he’d broken it a thousand times before when they were kids, when Riku had started saying “we’re too old for that” at sleepovers.

Riku always slept better when Sora was there, sprawled over him and tangled around him. Sora had always made him feel safe. This last year had been the loneliest, even if Sora was right there by his side, all the time, like nothing had changed. Riku just couldn’t make himself believe it.

He wanted Sora to ask. They stood there, looking at each other, the question right on Sora’s lips, the answer trapped behind Riku’s teeth, even though they weren’t supposed to be together anymore.

They’d been teetering like this ever since they got to the safe zone. Riku wanting more, so close to being able to have it, but not allowing himself. Sora, for whatever reason, unwilling to push back. Probably because Riku had pushed him too far away in the first place, so far that even this safe zone wouldn’t help.

“Night, Riku,” Sora said eventually. And he shut the door behind him.

It was nights like this that Riku hated himself the most for breaking up with Sora, and then he hated himself more for the fact that that was so selfish, that he just wanted Sora with him. It was cold. It was _lonely_.

It had been hard to separate best friends from dating, which Riku really didn’t expect to be a problem. He didn’t know what, exactly, he’d expected when he’d looked at Sora on that rooftop and told him it was over, but it hadn’t been for things to go back to the way they were before they’d ever kissed at all. Best friends, both of them wanting something more.

Back then, Riku had wanted more than anything to have something more with Sora; now he knew he could never have it again. It was bitter to remember the taste, the years they’d had. An entire childhood together was a gift, even if Riku had tried to return it to the store.

He couldn't have it, not in times like these. Love was too dangerous in times like these. Riku wasn’t close to a good person in times like these. Sora was too close to getting hurt; Riku couldn’t be another reason.

He punched his pillow a few times, trying to get comfortable. He wondered if Sora was thinking the same things about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u so much to maayan @gay_to_dawn for helping me work through this giANT FIC


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> vanitas fans im so sorry

Riku’s parents were – an unwanted mystery, currently. He figured his mother was probably dead, because she’d been at the hospital during the outbreak, and it had been full of explosions and SWAT teams and infected. But he didn’t know where his father was at all. After Riku had killed Mr. Jones, Sora had driven them both back to his house, Riku in the passenger seat of his own car. Riku remembered that, the driving. He kept hearing the clink of the keychain against Sora’s knee, kept looking over and seeing the cheerful bat on the end swinging in circles. Usually they could walk or bike. It was a short trek and there was nothing dangerous in Destiny Islands. Or there hadn’t used to be.

Sora told Riku he’d left a note while he was gathering up their backpacks and Riku had a breakdown on the couch (he’d phrased it nicer) but Riku’s father never appeared. Riku wasn’t particularly close with his father, but he was damn sure that if he’d seen the note, he’d have come to find him. But Riku’s father often went out of town with no warning. He could have been anywhere.

Riku has had four years to think about this but he still didn’t know if the mystery was better or worse. The fate of his family was undetermined, a bit of hope still clinging to his heart.

Because he’d been there to see what happened to Sora’s family. He’d been staying with them after Mr. Jones had crashed through the window, curled up on the couch. Sora’s mother kept pulling more and more blankets out of closets for him even though it was spring and turning warm. Vanitas was home for spring break and he kept complaining about having to sleep on the air mattress, but he did it more for affect than anything, because Riku saw the way Vanitas kept looking at him with worried eyes. If Riku got too quiet, starting to think about the dead body in his home, Vanitas knew it. He’d throw something at Riku or put on a movie even though it was two a.m. or sometimes, quietly, go to get Sora if he heard Riku sobbing in the night.

Luckily, Sora’s house didn’t have windows big enough to crash in through.

He’d been in the backseat of the car, holding Sora’s hand through the gap between the front and back seats when a woman started running at them, hindered by a limp, face marred by a snarl. Sora’s father hit her straight on.

It only took three days. Then again, it had only taken Riku two minutes.

They’d spent most of the days huddled around the TV, watching the news of the outbreak and driving themselves carefully to the store for supplies, avoiding any other people, just in case. Sora’s parents had kept Sora and Roxas home from school, and Riku as well, since they didn’t know if his parents were even alive. The girl at the checkout counter was there, scanning items either way.

Sora had driven Riku to Kairi’s house, knuckles white on the wheel, even though they weren’t supposed to, because they needed to know if she was alive and texts were kind of sporadic at the moment, half of the message undelivered, which couldn’t be right, could it, because there were cell towers and they couldn’t all be down, but half the texts remained undelivered anyways. Kairi’s house was locked up and empty, she and her father were gone.

When they’d turned back onto their street, it was immediately clear something was wrong. Sora pulled into the driveway quickly, keys in his hand, but Roxas was already running across the grass, throwing himself on Sora the second he opened the car door.

All the lights were on in Sora’s house, flooding across the yard in the dark, and his father was silhouetted against the door. “Sora! Roxas, go!”

Sora had his hands full of his brother, craning his neck to see what was happening in their beloved little home as Roxas clutched at him, sobbing. “What’s going on?”

Roxas pointed at the door. “He killed Mom!” Through the open door, standing in the pool of light, Vanitas was trying to take apart his own father, who was holding him off with a baseball bat. He could see Sora’s mother, lying prone on the floor, blood seeping from a head wound. There was so much blood.

“Oh no,” Riku said softly. He turned around and was sick right on Sora’s lawn. He guessed it didn’t matter, since there was also a dead body in Sora’s house. He was sick again.

Sora’s father had a pistol in his hand - Riku didn’t know where he got - and when Vanitas tackled him, it went flying, landing somewhere in the grass. Sora scrambled for it as his dad turned to look for it.

His father yelled. “Sora! Run away!”

Sora raised the pistol in shaky hands.

Riku didn’t know what happened first. Vanitas killing his own father, or Sora failing to kill his own brother. He’d never asked.

The second Sora’s father went limp, Sora backed towards the car, shoving Roxas behind him. “We need to get out of here.”

They locked the doors. They left Vanitas behind.

\-----

Riku felt like he was always dreaming, never getting any sleep. Often the dreams bled together into memories, of running away from infected, of hands on a gun, of that time something had caught Roxas’s ankle and he’d gone down. He’d yelped and Sora had turned around instantly to shoot the infected in the head, spraying Roxas’s jeans with blood. Roxas had gagged even as Sora and Riku had pulled him by the arms, practically dragging him behind them, because they had to go, they had to go, they had to _go_.

There was one town, to the south of Destiny Islands, that had been filled with infected. They hadn’t known at the time, what they’d known was they needed supplies. At least a few cans of food or they wouldn’t make it a few more days. They’d had canned beans for breakfast, the whole thing shared between the three of them, and it simply wasn’t enough.

This town had two bodies dead in the town square, which Riku hated, but if they had ammo – well. Finding ammo was always good. Finding a gun was _always_ better. Sora was unnaturally good at it, somehow; a skill that was more luck than anything else.

“Here,” and he’d straightened up with a gun in his hands, and just for a second, Riku would remember when those hands had held no other weapon than a lacrosse stick and choke down the impulse to become violently ill.

Roxas elbowed him. “Earth to Riku.”

“I’m fine,” Riku said automatically, because now Sora was looking at him with concern too, hands checking to see if the gun was loaded. They often were. No one was out in the wild without a loaded gun unless something had gone very wrong. But these two men were the very definition of _something gone very wrong_ , and it make Riku’s skin crawl to be out in the open like this with two men who had been torn to shreds. “We should get moving before they come back.”

Sora nodded, sliding the gun into his empty holster, and carefully turned over the second man, who was lying face down. His throat had been torn out almost entirely, ripped and empty of blood by this point. Sora winced. “Sorry,” he told the man quietly, sliding his hands into the man's backpack. He was victorious - three cans of vegetables and a small bag of rice. Better than anything they had by a long shot.

Sora reached for the second backpack. He came up with just one can and shoved all of them into his pack, taking the time to wrap them in a clean shirt so they would rattle.

“Let’s go, now,” Roxas said pointedly. “I think I see something moving.”

Riku jerked his head up, turning just a second to look where Roxas’s gaze was fixed. He could make out a humanoid shape, but it was staggering about, the way infected often did when they lost their eyesight. “Looks blind.” His hand went to his gun anyways.

Roxas scowled as the infected started towards them. Maybe it could hear them. It wouldn’t be able to run well without its sight, but it would scream and if anything _else_ was in the area, it’d hear. It’d find them. “Let’s not stick around to find out, okay?”

They went back the way they came, Sora and Roxas in the lead, Riku coming up in the back. Sora was going faster than usual but he didn’t look back. It wasn’t his job to look back, it was Riku’s.

At the end of the street, Riku could see the infected crouching at the two dead bodies, sniffing them. They hadn’t been spotted, he hoped, but either way, he pushed Roxas a little faster, hot at his heels.

Before the apocalypse, Roxas would have snapped at him. Roxas still might, but not right now, when all three of them had adrenaline and fear coursing through their veins.

Sora stopped by the side of a building, pointing up to a fire escape. “Lift me.”

Riku cast a glance back. The infected was wandering away, but Riku still didn’t like it. This was an unknown town and two men had been eviscerated, which meant the town had to be teeming with infected. He nodded; it was probably safer up on the rooftops. Roxas got into position, back braced against the wall and fingers forming a cradle. Sora was always the one who got flung up into the air and his hands grabbed the bottom rung on the first try.

The ladder made a deafening screeching sound as Sora’s weight slowly pulled down. Faintly, Riku heard another screech, this one much more human.

“ _Shit_!” Sora was already climbing, hand over hand, pulling himself up onto the platform as Roxas reached up, hot at Sora’s heels. The infected down the road starting running at them, screeching. All around them, Riku could hear the hunting screams, but he could only keep his eye on the one he could see. As always, Sora had Riku’s back, gun out, watching the alley behind him. “I got your left!”

The second the ladder was clear, Riku was up it, boots on the metal platform before he could even realize he’d done it, shuddering with the realization of his safety.

Sora reached out to him, holstering his gun, so his hands were clean and innocent when he cupped them around Riku’s neck, smoothing them down his shoulders. Riku was always the last one up the ladders, the one most likely to get bit. He never could pick out the threads of how exactly, it had come to this - Sora was the most observant so he always got the front, maybe, or Roxas was the slowest runner, not that any of them had raced in a long time. Maybe because Riku wanted to protect them like that.

Sora let out a breath and then his hands disappeared, leaving Riku standing alone. “We’re okay,” he said, checking for Roxas for confirmation too. Sora and Roxas both had his back, he knew, but there was only so much one could do after the end of the world.

Below them, infected were pooling, dozens of them, screaming up at them. One of them, an older man with a baseball cap splattered with blood, was bumping into the ladder over and over even as Sora pulled it back up. Infected couldn’t climb ladders, but people could.

“Let’s get going.” Riku lifted his head up so he couldn’t see the teeming mass below. He could still hear them though. The screams were impossible not to hear. “Move.”

\-----

“Riku, wake up!” Sora shook Riku's shoulder. “Riku!”

“I'm up,” Riku mumbled, opening his eyes. Sora was standing over him, fully dressed, back to the sunlight so that Riku couldn’t see his face at all and then Sora sat down on the edge of the bed and he became a person instead of an outline. He was chewing at his lip. “What's going on?”

“Roxas isn't home,” Sora said. His lip was already bitten raw and red, so he’d been worrying for a while then, all while Riku slept poorly through bad dreams. “He wasn’t here when I woke up.”

Riku squinted at him, then slowly remembered how to say words like, “I'm not seeing the problem?” It was rare that Roxas checked in with them. He often would just disappear for a few hours whenever the fancy struck him because obviously the rules about checking in didn’t apply to him. It annoyed Riku to no end, because the zone was still dangerous, and sometimes Roxas even listened to him, but after a fight? There was no way Roxas would give them the satisfaction. “You know how he gets.”

Sora shook his head. “Something's wrong,” he insisted. His hands were worrying at the ratty strings of his hoodie, pulling them back and forth, back and forth. “I know it. He still hates me and I know something's wrong.”

For a second, Riku contemplated just rolling over and going back to sleep. Sora and Roxas were both early risers, usually up with the sun. Riku didn't particularly enjoy getting out of bed at - he glanced at his watch - 7:07 in the goddamn morning.

But Sora wouldn't wake him for nothing, and Riku had seen how angry and desperate Roxas was last night. And Sora had an annoying tendency to be right about these sorts of things. Riku groaned. “Alright,” he said. “But I'm gonna be so mad when he's just at Naminé's or something.”

He was not at Naminé's.

\-----

“Why would he go outside the zone?” Sora hissed, gathering up his gear. He wasn't checking his ammo properly, so Riku reached out and took his pistol from him to check. “Outside! Without us!”

Riku buckled his backpack around his chest. “Come on,” he said, instead of answering. Because he didn't have an answer, other than sometimes Roxas could be just as reckless as Sora could, and it was more dangerous, because lately, he was much less likely to share. If he was angry, and desperate, and thought Sora would leave him in the zone alone, who knew what he'd do?

Roxas had never really been good at keeping secrets before, no matter if it was a good one or a bad one, which meant Sora _always_ knew what he was getting as a birthday present. Roxas would just get so excited to tell him that it always ended up spilling out.

Not anymore.

Naminé, when she'd answered the door, had been confused. “He was here about an hour ago,” she informed them, pulling on her lab coat. There was a badge hanging on the pocket. “He said he was going outside the zone. I thought you were with him.”

“No, that's news to us,” Riku said. Next to him, Sora looked a little shell-shocked. He'd continued to look like that all the way to the empty building, Riku tugging him along, until he'd seen the empty table where Roxas's gear usually sat, stark in empty contrast to Sora’s and Riku’s piles. Gun gone, rifle gone, knife gone.

“I don't know what he's thinking,” Sora said despairingly, hooking his thumbs onto the straps of his backpack. He was walking fast, not thinking, probably about to get himself killed if he didn’t start using his brain again.

Riku caught him by the loop of his backpack, dragging him backwards a foot by accident. “Hey,” he said firmly. Someone had to shake it into him, and Riku was the only one around. “You need to calm down.”

Sora refused to look at him. “Roxas -”

“We’ll find him.” Riku poked Sora in the chest even if what he wanted to do was press his lips to Sora’s kiss, the way he’d used to always calm Sora down. “But not if you don’t get yourself together. We need to find him, and if you’re angry, you’re just putting us all in danger.”

For a second, Riku thought Sora would break away and just keep going, damn all the consequences, but then his wrist went slack in Riku’s grasp. He took a deep breath. “Yeah.” He nodded just once. “Got you.”

And that was it. He was still so upset he looked near the verge of tears, but he pushed it away, because that was his brother out there, and he wasn’t going to let anything stop him. Frankly, it freaked Riku out a little bit, that he could just do that, shove it all down into nothingness in ten seconds flat, but fine. If it wasn’t going to get Sora killed, _fine_. He reached out to steady the ladder and followed Sora up.

The school was less spooky during the day, with sun streaming through the dirty windows but it still felt like hallowed ground, a graveyard for things like since dead. “Let’s check the treehouse,” Sora mumbled, vaulting off the lab table and down to the ground. He didn’t have a hand on his bow this time. Instead, he was carrying his pistol.

Expecting a fight.

They systematically checked all the classrooms along their way out. Science labs, English classrooms with overturned bookcases - each one made Riku twitch. There were still beakers set out, just waiting for students who would never return. Roxas had only visited Naminé that morning, so he wouldn’t have needed a place to stay, but maybe he hadn’t gone far.

He wasn't in the science labs, or the cafeteria. None of the locked and barred doors that they always passed were standing open, and even a furious Roxas would have enough sense not to open a locked corridor by himself. Riku could feel Sora’s blood pressure rising with every second past, every empty classroom.

Sora stuck his head into the gym and Riku could tell immediately from the breath he took that they’d found Roxas. For a second, the weight was off Sora’s shoulders. He was at peace.

Then anger was written into every line of his body. He was _furious_.

Roxas was sitting on the unfolded bleachers, blond head in his hands. When he saw Sora stalking at him, he pulled his backpack on and jogged down the bleachers to meet him, holster tapping slightly against his thigh. Maybe he didn’t realize how angry Sora was, because he actually had the gall to look surprised when Sora reached out with one tense movement and grabbed his shoulders, shaking him around like a rag doll. Roxas actually stumbled, hands coming up to push ineffectively at Sora’s arms.

“What the _hell_ is wrong with you,” Sora said, voice low. Roxas’s hands wrapped around his wrists. “You went out alone? Do you know how worried we were?”

It only took Roxas a quick second to go from apologetic to angry too. The brothers were like that, zero to sixty in ten seconds, and they just fed off each other, too. If one was angry, the other would inevitably end up the same.

People had used to joke that Roxas and Sora were similar enough to be twins, especially when Roxas had started to get close to Sora in height, but that was only for people who didn’t know them well, like waiters in restaurants on family birthdays or relatives who hadn’t seen them in ten years.

When they argued, though, going toe-to-toe like this, exactly the same height, the same expression on their face, they became mirror images. Riku could see what all those waiters had been talking about.

“What, so you can go outside the zone but not me?”

“Not by yourself, you can’t!” Sora gave him another shake. This time, Roxas slammed his hands against Sora’s chest and pushed him off, leaving Sora off-kilter. “We’re a team, Roxas. You could have died!”

“You could too! If you go out there, you’ll die!”

Sora gaped at him. “That’s what this is about? You wanted to prove to me that it’s dangerous and that you’d worry or something?”

“What else could I _do_?”

“You could have talked to me!” Sora said, throwing his hands up in anger or exasperation or both. If Riku looked closely, he could see they were shaking, just slightly. “I wanna talk to you!”

“No, you don’t,” Roxas said. “You just wanna be with Riku all the time, even though you guys broke up months ago!”

Riku turned his back on them at that. He desperately wished he could give them more privacy for this, but he couldn’t. Fights between brothers had, for years, been fights with all three of them. It was too dangerous otherwise and they all knew it.

They also apparently all knew that Sora was still in love with Riku. Riku had known that, and Sora had known that, but even Roxas knew that. Riku should really stop thinking Roxas cared as little as he did. It was a good act, but Roxas had always cared too deeply to really pretend. Riku should have been looking more carefully.

When Sora spoke again, he sounded empty. “I don’t know what that has to do with this.”

Roxas scoffed. “Never mind.” Riku wasn’t sure if he’d brought it up to make Sora more upset or if he’d realized he’d gone too far. “He’s also not important.”

Thanks, Roxas.

Sora ignored that. “What aren’t you telling me,” he said. “What don’t you want to say?”

“If I wanted to say it, I would!”

“I can’t fix it if you don’t tell me!”

“You can’t fix everything!” Roxas screamed.

Sora had probably never been told this in his life. If anyone ever had, he’d proved them wrong. He was still trying to prove Riku wrong. Riku chanced a glance over his shoulder. Sora looked frustrated and he was holding on to Roxas’s sleeve like it was the only thing keeping Roxas from running away. “Of course I can, you’re my brother-”

“I don’t want to be your fucking obligation!” Roxas snarled.

Riku felt his mouth drop open. It was a shock - sometimes he felt that Sora and Roxas argued too much, but they truly loved each other. Sora was one of the only people who could always make Roxas laugh. They’d always been connected at the hip in a way that made Riku unbearably jealous, as a child, especially because Roxas hadn’t liked him very much.

Sora, however, didn’t look as surprised as Riku had expected. “You’re not my obligation, Rox.” He reached out again. He was always the one reaching out. He’d confided in Riku once that he hated being so friendly sometimes because people didn’t like Roxas as much, were always comparing him to Sora, always pressuring him to be someone he wasn’t. Roxas was friendly, but Sora was friendlier. Roxas was kind but Sora was kinder. If Roxas was one thing, Sora had already been better at it.

It wasn’t that Roxas wasn’t kind, or even a bad person - as much as he made it his life’s mission to annoy Riku, they were still friends. They’d known each other for years; they had each other’s backs even if they fought. Riku had picked Roxas up from school and various waffle huts down the highway and he’d helped tie Roxas’s bright red tie for his first middle school dance.

Roxas was just a lot less generous with who he handed kindness to. He wasn’t willing to give it the way Sora did, to everyone. It didn’t mean his heart was any less bruised.

Now, though, Riku wondered if he’d known Roxas even less than he’d thought.

How else could he explain the way Roxas was looking at Sora, angry and desperate. Unknown, unfamiliar.

Roxas tore his hand away from Sora, and pushed open one of the gymnasium doors, which had been barred for longer than they could know. “Don’t touch me!” His voice rang out through the hallway.

“Hey-” Sora tried to pull him back, but it was too late. Out of the gloom, they heard an inhuman shriek. Running, off-pace footsteps. “Close it!” He threw his body against the door, Roxas right behind them.

Riku grabbed the piece of piping that had been used as a bar and threaded it back through the door handles. “That’s not gonna hold long,” he said, already looking back at the way they’d came. There were thousands of other ways into this gymnasium. Infected weren’t smart but they’d find them.

His heart was picking up speed, a warning rhythm against his ribcage.

Every single one of the times they’d been through here, it had been clear. This was the easiest and quickest way to get outside the zone to meet smugglers and they’d never had a single problem. They’d gotten lazy.

“If we run?” Sora pulled out his knife, tucking the blade handle into his left hand so he could shoot too. Behind him, the doors were already bulging with the weight of the dead.

Riku looked at Sora, who looked at Roxas, who looked at Riku. “Run towards the house,” Riku said, already waving them off. They’d worked together so long; they all knew the drill. Sora and Roxas in the front, Riku watching their backs.

If they could get to the house, they’d be fine. Just outside the school, across the street, to the house with a treehouse in the backyard, to the house missing a well.

It was as safe as anything could get. If they could get there.

Sora was already running, dragging Roxas behind him. He was taking the left, Roxas was paying attention the right.

Riku wasn’t watching. Couldn’t afford to. He heard Sora scream, “Roxas!” Then a thud, a gunshot. He twisted around just in time to see Sora throw a dead zombie off, removing his knife from the back of the corpse’s head, and to see Roxas veer left and slam through the doors to one of the chemistry labs.

It took Sora just two vital seconds to realize, and the door was blocked by the time he slammed into it. “Roxas!”

“We don’t have time!” Riku yelled, pushing at Sora’s shoulders. He could see the light streaming through the open door down the hallway, meaning they were almost out, if Sora would just fucking move. “He’ll get out!”

“But-!”

“No!” Riku yelled, pulling Sora along with him. “We need to get going!”

He saw Sora shake his head and then set on determinedly, pushing through the doors. The parking lot was empty enough, though Riku’s eyes burned at the sudden light.

“Come on,” Sora yelled, risking a glance behind them. His eyes widened.

They must be close behind Riku, then.

Sora poured on speed, reaching the ladder a full twelve paces before Riku. He’d always been fast, even if he’d never wanted to join the track team like Riku had. He scrambled up, pistol at the ready to shoot anything that tried to grab Riku on the way up.

Riku threw himself onto the ladder, pulling himself up just quick enough that something only managed to barely paw at his shoe, and then he was up.

The infected pooled around the ladder, which Sora yanked up before anything could grab it. Riku took a deep breath in, filling his lungs until he shuddered. “Okay.” He looked carefully down at them. One of them snarled up at him. His heart was racing still, unaware that the danger had passed. His jaw was trembling, banging his teeth together, and he slammed a hand on it to make it stop. “Let’s get into the house and figure out what to do about Roxas.”

“Okay,” Sora said, hopping up onto the board. “Come on.”

By the time Riku jumped down, boots hitting the wooden floor, Sora was already heading out of the bedroom and down the hallway. He could tell by the tense line of Sora’s back in the dusk of the hallway that he wasn’t okay. Riku swallowed the question he’d been about to ask - of course Sora wasn’t okay.

“We’ll find Roxas again,” Riku said quietly as Sora disappeared into the living room.

Sora dropped with a thump to the ground, slumping against the wall. “Maybe.” He’d strained something, Riku guessed from the way he was pressing his hand against his neck, like it ached. He was clearly exhausted, gone through the wringer with his stress about Roxas. It had probably kept him up all night. He was always like this, so worried about Roxas being okay that he’d twist himself up into knots that Riku could barely untangle with his unskilled fingers.

So Riku asked. “You okay?”

Sora lifted his head slowly, a quick flicker of pain crossing his face. “Uh,” he said heavily, licking his lips. Riku’s eyes darted to Sora’s hand, saw red-stained fingertips. So that was a no. That was a fucking no. “Not - not really. Um, I - I think-”

“Don’t say it,” Riku said immediately. He didn’t want to hear the words. He dropped to his knees beside Sora, the left one making a nasty crack as it hit the wood. Sora winced, but Riku couldn’t feel it at all. He stared at Sora’s fingertips, pressing into his skin like he could hold himself together. He didn’t feel anything, just numb. Just numb all over except for his heart which was screaming.

“Don’t be mad.”

He was furious. He was heart-broken. “I’m not mad,” he said, like a liar. In all the beautiful sunlight, he could see how pale Sora was. “Let me see.”

“No,” Sora said childishly, so Riku carefully peeled his hand away anyways. Sora hissed, hiding his bloody palm in his fist, but because it was painful or because he didn’t want Riku to look, Riku wasn’t sure.

Riku had been half-convinced that this was some stupid joke Sora was playing, but then he saw the bite. It was bloody, bloodier than Riku had expected. Riku carefully moved Sora’s necklace out of the way, the silver chain stained, and saw the clear imprint of teeth ripping through skin. Even though the wound wasn’t that deep, but it all looked torn to shreds. It was a miracle Riku didn’t gag.

Something had really tried to take a bite out of Sora.

It wouldn’t be life threatening at all if any other future had happened. But this one had happened and even in this future, Riku had never planned for this. It was supposed to be him; they were supposed to be _safe_. They had to be. Why had they worked so damn hard to get to a safe zone, what had Riku been _killing himself_ to do if Sora’s life was going to end here in this stale living room where they pretended they were still normal?

“It’ll be fine,” Sora said hazily, giving Riku a soft smile. He was a liar too.

“What did you _do_?” He didn’t know if he wanted an answer. Riku rooted around in his bag for a clean bandage. He wasn’t finding it, but he knew he had one. He knew. He knew because he always checked when he and Sora went outside the zone, just in case, because things happened.

“It was me or Roxas.” He shrugged, wincing when the injury hurt. Because it was that simple to him. Either he’d get bitten or his brother, nothing else, the end, so he made sure it was him.

Riku fumbled the little bottle of painkillers, which slipped to the floor with a rattle. “And he just ran?”

“I was behind him, he didn’t know.” There was no blame in Sora’s voice, of course. “He’s just scared, Riku.”

“He should be damn well scared of me when I get my hands on him,” Riku snarled. He scooped up the painkillers and shook out two precious red Advil and shoved them into Sora’s hands.

“You can’t be mad at each other.” Sora took a deep shuddery breath. “You don’t have very many people besides each other.”

What Sora really meant was _neither of you will have me anymore, so you’ll have to have each other now._

But Riku wasn’t particularly in the mood to be forgiving at the moment. Roxas was the entire damn reason they were out of the safe zone in the first place and he was the one who opened the doors and he was the one who’d been angry and he was the one who was gone and he was the one who was making sure Riku saw Sora die.

“It’s okay,” Sora said again.

“Don’t.” Riku finally found the goddamn medical kit. He carefully pulled aside Sora’s shirt. The bite was nestled in the crook of his shoulder. It was still raw and disgusting at the second look. It needed to be cleaned.

“I don’t know why you’re doing that,” Sora said, wincing as Riku set to work.

“You have to let me pretend,” Riku said immediately, because his hands were shaking and he knew how to patch people up but he couldn’t fix this. “Take the damn Advil.”

Sora took the Advil. He didn’t seem to want to look down at the mess that was his death sentence, or the blood coating his shirt. He didn’t so much as protest when Riku reached behind his neck and carefully unclasped his necklace, only reached up and palmed it as it fell off so that the silver crown was red too.

Riku gently cleaned the wound out - it wasn’t as deep as he thought it was, once clean - and wrapped it up. When it was covered in clean white bandages, he could pretend something else had happened. Maybe Sora had taken an arrow to the shoulder, or maybe he’d miscalculated when getting a boost up and he tweaked it. “You should be good.” He immediately regretted the words.

Sora looked half-asleep, gazing across the destroyed floorboards to the trees where the leaves were turning yellow, but he blinked a few times, sliding his focus back to Riku in an instant. “Great.” He managed a smile. “Thanks, Riku.”

In a matter of days, Riku would never hear him say his name again.

Riku looked away, down at his hands clenched in his lip. He’d worn gloves, because that is what you did, even if the blood of infected couldn't infect you, but there were still specks of drying blood on his wrists. He didn’t say anything.

It was the sort of silence that weighed heavily, even more heavily than usual because Sora wasn’t saying anything either. Maybe he was trying to let Riku come to terms with it, maybe he was trying to come to terms with it himself.

And that was the worst part, wasn’t it, was that as empty as Riku felt right now, he wasn’t the one dying.

He wished Sora would say something.

“So,” Sora said eventually. He hadn’t moved, still slouched against the wall. His hand pressed to the clean bandages. The sun had shifted enough so that it lit his hair blonde, the halo making him look exactly like Roxas. “You have to -”

Riku immediately looked away, at the wall to his left. “No.”

Sora rubbed his hand on his shirt, leaving a red smear where his heart was. His clean hand caught Riku’s in a firm grip, his thumb pressing into Riku’s palm to pull Riku closer, so Riku would have to look at his face. Riku looked, because Riku always looked, and his breath caught in his throat. Sora’s eyes were soft, entirely too soft for the words he was saying. “Riku, you have to shoot me.”

Riku’s nails were digging into the palm of his hand from his clenched fist. “I can’t.”

He’d thought about it before; he worried all the goddamn time. The idea that he might have to kill someone he knew, someone he cared about, was always on his mind. He just - he hadn’t expected it to ever be Sora. He’d expected it to have to happen to him, maybe. In his mind, Sora was just kind of untouchable.

For the past four years, he’d been clean. No dirt or black grit or cruelty could mar him, he kept smiling and his heart was still good and pure despite the bruises and he still helped people, long after Roxas and Riku had forcibly learned caution. He was so golden that he simply had to keep living.

Maybe Riku had always been just asking to be proven wrong.

“Riku.”

Riku looked at Sora, begging him to understand, drowning in that blue, blue like the sky and the sea and home, and those eyes didn’t look like they were dying at all. “Please don’t make me kill you.” His voice was trembling. It was more selfish than he had any right to be, it made him _ill_ to think at how selfish he was being. To dare to make Sora turn into one of those things just because he couldn’t - he _couldn’t_ \- stand to kill him. He knew how much Sora didn’t want to turn into one, not after his own brother had stood there, waiting to attack, unable to recognize a single familiar face. There was a reason they never talked about Vanitas. Riku knew more than anything what Sora was afraid of.

But he couldn’t.

“Shh, shh,” Sora said, reaching out with his good arm to cradle the back of Riku’s head.

Riku broke down. Started crying into Sora’s good shoulder, because how could he do this without Sora, how could he possibly go back into the safe zone and just - live with the knowledge that Sora was dead, or that Sora was infected, how was he supposed to be alone? They were supposed to be together in this mess.

“It’s okay,” Sora kept saying soothingly, like he didn’t have a problem with the damn thing at all. “I won’t make you do it.”

Of course he wouldn’t.

“I still love you,” Riku cried into his shoulder, hands twisting in the fabric of Sora’s bloody shirt. It was the wrong time but there was never going to be a right time anymore, the right time was long past and he should stop the words from spilling out, should lock them away like he tried to lock his heart, but he couldn’t. “I love you so much. I never stopped.”

Sora let out a shaky laugh. “I knew it,” he said, and he was smiling, and how could he smile when this was happening? Riku had single-handedly ruined their last year together and he was laughing somehow. Maybe he was in shock. “I _knew_ it, don’t worry.”

“I’m sorry,” Riku mumbled, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry -” he’d thought he was done crying but he wasn’t. “I’m sorry I can’t s-shoot you.”

“It’s okay.” Sora pressed a kiss to the top of Riku’s head. It was so familiar, and Riku could never have this again. “I wouldn’t be able to shoot you either,” Sora said, as if it were that simple, and maybe to him it was. “But - you have to stay with me, okay? I don’t wanna be alone.”

“Okay.” The idea scared him but he could tell it scared Sora more. As much as Sora was trying to hide it, Riku knew him better than anyone else. He was terrified. “I’m with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i know this looks bad but i swear i didnt just tag this "angst with a HAPPY ENDING" for nothing im NOT A LIAR


	3. Chapter 3

Riku wouldn’t let himself cry again. Because Sora wasn’t crying, because he never cried at things like _this_ , he never cried when it was _his_ problems or _his_ life. But Riku couldn’t count all the times that he’d cried for Riku, because Riku wouldn’t cry or Riku wouldn’t accept that he had a problem. Sometimes Riku didn’t even know he had a problem until Sora was crying.

So Riku couldn’t cry now. Not again.

They’d spend the entire night curled up on the floor together, Riku memorizing every inch of Sora’s face. He’d known it before, down to every freckle, but he needed to know it again. The bandage was stark white in the moonlight, but at least Sora slept peacefully, in the open air. It seemed much better than dying in the murky safe zone. He deserved better.

“Morning,” Sora said quietly, running a hand through Riku’s hair. He was already sitting up, face lit just barely by the early sunlight. It felt so peaceful, like they were stupid teenagers in love again. They could pretend they were curled up in Riku’s bed, pretending it was just a sleepover, instead of here in an abandoned house facing the end of life as they knew it, covered in fallen leaves scattered across the floorboards.

Riku used to love nothing more than waking up to Sora.

“Morning.”

Sora looked down at Riku and smiled softly, dislodging a yellow leaf from somewhere in Riku’s hair. Stupidly, Riku wished that he’d be angry about it. That he’d yell or scream or be bitter, _anything_. Him yelling about how this wasn’t fair, how he didn’t deserve this would have been - not reassuring, but expected.

But then, that had never been Sora. He was never the type to do any of that.

“How many hours left?”

Riku pulled his arm out of his sleeping bag and checked his watch. “About twenty hours,” he reported. “Give or take.”

“That’s eons.”

“Could be more.”

“Could be less,” Sora countered. “You should go back to the zone today.”

“I’m not leaving you,” Riku said, sitting up immediately, little fallen leaves showering down from where they’d coated him in the night. He’d promised not to. He had a work shift later in the afternoon that he was going to miss, but he didn’t particularly plan on ever going back to the zone - he’d promised not to leave Sora alone.

Sora let out a little laugh and starting combing through Riku’s hair. “Your hair’s a mess,” he said, hitting a knot. He slowly started to work his fingers through it. “It’s getting long.”

“Sora,” Riku said despairingly as Sora focused on a knot near his ear. “Don’t change the subject!”

“I’m a multi-tasker.” Sora made a little humming noise, tilting Riku’s head for easier access. “I didn’t mean forever, Riku, though -” he made a stupid face. “Eventually, I guess. Anyways - I just meant for an hour or two, to get some food and some rope, maybe.”

Riku felt a little silly for overreacting. “Oh.”

Sora sat back, his hands fumbling in his lap. “Yeah,” he said, laughing a little bit. He tilted his face back towards the sun. Enjoying what was probably the last sunlight he’d ever recognize.

Though, really. No one knew, exactly, what was inside the brain of an infected. They’d been studied, sure, to no end. Captured and sealed up in labs, treated like they’d never been humans at all. Sure, they wanted to eat humans. Sure, they didn’t seem to have most of their cognitive abilities left. But they’d once been people.

Maybe when Sora became one of them, it would be like he’d never existed at all. Or - maybe something in his brain would be left.

“Sure. Yeah. The zone.”

“And, um, Roxas,” Sora said softly, looking down at the leaves on the floor. “Would you find him for me? I want to say goodbye.”

Riku just barely managed to avoid saying something like _this is all his goddamn fault anyways_ because it wouldn’t help and Sora would just look up at him with those sad, slightly hurt, somehow still sympathetic eyes. “Sure,” he said. “I can - go now?”

Sora nodded. “I can come.”

“Not into the zone, you can’t.” They’d find him in seconds with all the blood and the bandages. It only took four hours for the infection to show up on the scanners. The scientists always boasted about it, like that was a good thing.

“No, but I can get you to the edge,” Sora said. “Watch your back, this time.”

Riku wanted to say something like _I should have been watching your back_ , because none of this was Sora’s fault, of course, except for he was so willing to be a goddamn martyr. “Yeah.”

Sora grabbed his pistol and his bow and left the sleeping bag. Riku did the same.

The walk back to the school was entirely clear. Both of them were on the lookout, of course, but they didn’t see a single infected. Maybe something else had interested them, otherwise they were likely to just wander around the backyard, the infection making the urge to leave it essentially void.

But the backyard was empty, and the street was empty, and the school was empty too. The emptiness prickled, made Riku too paranoid; it did the same to Sora, who kept swiveling his head suspiciously but found nothing.

The lab classroom that Roxas has run into was empty, a window just barely open. No bodies, no Roxas, no sign that he’d ever been there. He’d probably gone back to the zone, but it seemed weird that he hadn’t tried to get to the treehouse or find Riku and Sora at all.

Then again, he was the one who’d run off.

“I’ll be back in an hour.” Riku set the laddder against the wall. This was a safe enough place, with any infected wanting to come down needing to drop a full story to get to Sora, breaking their legs in the process. Then again, it didn’t theoretically matter, really, because Sora was already dying, just a bit slower than they might have expected.

“Okay,” Sora said. The small back courtyard was fenced and empty and full of sun, even if it was mostly cracked concrete. There was a tilted basketball hoop attached to the chain link fence, which was covered in vines, and in the corner, there was one of those plastic playhouses for toddlers. Sora would be fine here unless he managed to get himself stuck in a baby playhouse.

“Okay,” Riku repeated, because he hated to leave Sora, of course. He put a hand on the rung, and Sora reached out to grab his shirt sleeve.

“Just Roxas,” he said quietly. “I don’t want Naminé to see me like this.”

Riku swallowed around the sudden lump in his throat. Of course Sora wouldn’t want Naminé to see him bloody and about to die. Just Roxas, who had seen him through everything and would see him now through death. “Okay.”

He thought, probably, that he’d punch Roxas the second he saw him. He’d thought about it all the way back through the school, Sora beside him, oh so careful this time, like it mattered this time.

He thought it crawling through the basement, he thought it when he unloaded his gear, he thought it when he got the street, skirting the area he usually went through because he hadn’t shown up for work duty.

And really? This was all Roxas’s fault. For being reckless, for being angry, for dragging them out there.

Roxas wasn’t home, though. The apartment was totally empty. The window was open, which meant Roxas hadn’t come home at all, because he compulsively shut it, complaining about the smell. Typical. Riku grabbed the notebook from the coffee table and flipped to a new page. _Sora injured badly_ , he wrote. We’re at the treehouse. _Urgent_.

He underlined the word urgent three times. It wasn’t that kind. It was, in fact, a little cruel. But if Riku tiptoed around the words, Roxas wouldn’t show. He’d be angry or sulking. He’d always been capable of holding on to his anger and his pain for ages, much longer than Sora ever had. On Sora it melted away like ice cream in the summer. But despite it all, Sora wanted to see Roxas before he died, and Roxas deserved to see his brother, too.

He asked around. None of the neighbors had seen him, and they all looked at Riku like he was stupid for asking and none of the guards at the checkpoint, either, and they all looked at Riku like they’d shoot him for asking. Riku could hardly believe himself that he was asking, but he was desperate. And when he got through the checkpoint to go to Naminé’s place, she didn’t know he’d been the past day either.

Riku left a message with her too. It would have to be enough.

\-----

Sora was waiting for Riku when he got back, two hours later according to his watch. He kept doing tricks with a baseball bat, flipping it over and around, again and again. He must have found it in the house or possibly the backyard, it was a splintered wooden thing that would crack in half in a fight. But Sora had always been good at doing silly tricks with a baseball bat. “Riku,” he said happily, lifting his hand for Riku to help him up.

Riku grabbed his hand and pulled him up - he was so light - and then, because he was apparently incapable of letting Sora be in a good mood, his stupid mouth said “I couldn’t find Roxas.”

“Oh.” Sora’s smile stayed plastered on, a little too tight to be real. “Did you leave a note?”

“I did,” Riku said. He kind of - didn’t want to look at Sora right now, he felt so ashamed. He couldn’t even do _this_ for Sora. This was the only thing Sora had wanted and he couldn’t even grant his dying wish. He gestured for Sora to go up the ladder ahead of him. “I also cleared out our place.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want to go back after -”

“You have to,” Sora said, clearly dismayed. The sun lit his face just for a second as he climbed through the window, blinding white, and then it was in darkness again, unreadable. “You can’t just live in the treehouse forever.”

“Can’t I?”

“No.” Sora’s feet hit the ground with a thud. “Naminé would miss you. And Roxas.”

“Well, I’m mad at Roxas,” Riku said, skirting the issue by making a dig at Sora’s brother.

For once, it didn’t work. Sora gave Riku a frown. “You promised me.”

Riku frowned right back. “I promised you what?”

“When all of this started,” Sora said, waving his hand around to encompass the school, the undead, the world. “Like, four years ago. We promised that if one of us got bit, we’d keep going. Live on, find happiness.”

“That was four _years_ ago,” Riku protested weakly. He’d forgotten that. It had meant something different four years ago, when they were both still teenagers and they didn’t know what was happening, and it was all new and scary and they didn’t know this was going to become their life. They’d only been dealing with this for a few months. It was different to make those promises.

All they known then was that people were attacking and eating other people, and that people were scared, and maybe they wouldn’t see tomorrow, and they didn’t know how to be safe yet. Riku had never touched a gun, Sora’s baseball bat was just for baseball, and suddenly it was just Riku - his parents were gone.

He didn’t even know if they were alive.

But he’d had Roxas there and Sora, who had held them all together, who was probably the only reason they’d made it to a quarantine zone, who was the only goddamn reason to get through the day, the only bit of light Riku could remember seeing in years.

“It still applies,” Sora said stubbornly, sliding his hand into Riku’s. “I want you to live. I want you to be in love again. Wouldn’t you want the same for me?”

Selfishly, Riku wanted to say no. He wanted to believe that he and Sora were soulmates, that it was just them against the world, that they couldn’t be replaced, but that was so cruel.

He wanted Sora to be happy, too.

“Yeah,” Riku said eventually, and Sora squeezed his hand, proud of the right answer. He must understand from the opposite side - he wanted Riku to be happy, but it was hard for him to want to find happiness in someone else when it could be him. “Fine. Whatever, you win. I’ll go back.”

“Thank you.” Sora pressed a  kiss to Riku’s cheek.

Riku wanted to hate him.

\-----

Riku had never actually _seen_ someone turn. He’d seen lots of people with angry, bloody bites dotting their wrists and shoulders and necks and of course he knew the entire process - who wouldn’t? Not having that sort of knowledge could easily get you killed.

He hadn’t really seen Vanitas turn, because they’d thought he had a cold and they were out of the house when it all happened.

Two days, typically. People were fine for the first day, but then they started getting hazy and confused, less able to stand. After about thirty hours, they were feverish and soon after, they were wracked with convulsions and delusions - Riku knew that a lot of people died at this point, their bodies collapsing from the weight of the infection. In a way, he was grateful for it because people who died before turning posed no problem.

At hour forty, someone might still be functioning, but their eyes were dead. Everything that made them who they were was gone. They couldn’t speak. They wandered, dazed, until something - someone - to eat caught their eye.

Soon that would be Sora.

Riku wondered, briefly, if anything between them would remain. If they both turned, would they unconsciously stick together as infected, not knowing or even thinking about why? Mindlessly partnered, forever?

The thought made him sick. But then, he’d promised to return to the zone anyways, and Riku wasn’t in the habit of breaking promises to Sora. Just the one, the most important one, about being together always.

“Tell me something,” Sora said, late the afternoon. Riku was sitting against the wall, holding Sora close. They’d been talking about anything, about nothing - Riku had offered up every cherished memory he had and Sora drank them in, eyes closed, taking it for the mourning it was.

And he was letting Riku hold him. Sora only liked to be held when he was a good mood. If things were warm and comfortable and pleasant, he’d sprawl all over Riku and tangle their legs together. When he was upset, he was in action. Pacing, or throwing his hands around, and being sympathetic to him meant you had to be in action too, because he didn’t want to be tied down.

Maybe Sora was tired or maybe he wanted Riku to have this. Either way, he leaned back against Riku’s chest and let Riku wrap his arms around him and place his chin on the uninjured shoulder.

“Anything.”

“Why did you break up with me?” Riku froze, his arms locked around Sora’s waist. That definitely hadn’t been what he expected, and Sora clearly noticed, because he immediately wrapped his arms over Riku’s so he couldn’t escape. “No changing your mind!”

Riku groaned right in his ear. “Do I have to?”

“Yes,” Sora said, not taking the bait. “I want to know.” He gave Riku’s hands on his stomach a little pat and then continued, “I know it’s not because you stopped loving me.”

“How?”

Sora snorted, like Riku was just oh so silly. “Okay, besides the fact that you _just_ told me and now you’re cuddling me,” he said, and sure, when you put it like that. “You always forget I’ve known you my whole life! I could just tell that you still loved me. Every time you looked at me, I could see how much.”

Riku let out a slow breath. “You’re such a romantic,” he said, because awkwardness or anxiety had never kept Sora from saying whatever his heart was feeling. “No, it wasn’t that.”

He didn’t say anything for a long minute, trying to gather his thoughts, so Sora kept going, because he knew that if he kept talking eventually Riku would be compelled to correct what he was wrong about.

“I always assumed you were worried that it would get us in trouble,” he said thoughtfully, tipping his head back onto Riku’s shoulder so that Riku could see the corner of his blue eyes, the shadow of his lashes on his cheek. “Like, maybe people would try to use it against us.” That had been part of it, of course. Love was dangerous in an apocalypse like this. “But then you didn’t seem to want to get back together once we got to the safe zone.”

Because Riku hadn’t been okay yet. He’d thought about it, but he hadn’t been better. He’d hoped the safety of the safe zone would - soften him, maybe, so that if reached out to touch Sora he wouldn’t rip him to shreds, but his fingers still had claws. “So I don’t know. Did you -”

“It seemed less painful,” Riku interrupted. Sora made a satisfied little noise and settled back against Riku’s chest; he’d just been talking to get Riku to start. And Riku didn’t want to hear his theories, didn’t want to know what the love of his life had assumed was wrong. Not now, not at the end. But Sora did deserve to know. “I - it seemed less painful for both of us if you lost me like this.”

“What?”

“I just - I didn’t want you to be in more pain.” The words wouldn’t come very easily; he’d spent so long with them trapped behind his teeth. The thoughts weren’t any clearer in his head, either. He could remember actually breaking up with Sora clear as day. He remembered the little tent they were sleeping in; they’d stolen it from a Wal-Mart and it was dripping on them even though they’d duct-taped the holes. He’d had to carry Roxas up to a rooftop because he’d sprained his ankle and they’d taped it but it was so _so_ swollen. They’d been camped out there for a few days, working through their rations quicker than they should.

Roxas was asleep but Sora had called Riku out a little earlier, before Riku was supposed to wake up for his patrol. “It stopped raining,” Sora had whispered, beaming. “We can see the stars.”

Riku didn’t need to look up to see any stars, not when he could see them in Sora’s eyes, but followed Sora’s hand up to look at the constellations anyways, a rare moment to breathe. The sky was starting to lighten, just barely, over the tree line, but the stars were still there, twinkling down. Sora was naming constellations quietly under his breath, because of course he was, because even though this was hell, he wouldn’t stop finding joy, and he was just so beautiful and good.

So Riku turned to him and said “I want to break up.”

Sora hadn’t taken it well, of course. There were two people in their relationship, he argued, why won’t you talk to me and let me fix, what’s wrong? He’d been so focused on the _what’s wrong,_ which Riku guessed made sense in retrospect, if Sora always knew Riku still loved him.

Riku hadn’t budged, though. It gave Roxas a real reason to hate Riku, and eventually, Sora stopped pushing too. It was like they were best friends again, before they’d ever even started dating in high school, which hurt more, probably, that Riku just leaving the group. But Sora didn’t want him to and Riku didn’t want to either, really, because at the crux of it all, he still wanted to take care of Sora.

“You never change,” Riku said eventually. Sora’s thumb was tapping a comforting rhythm on the back of his hand, and he focused on that to keep him calm. “And - I knew that eventually, I’d get hurt. I - I really never thought it would be you, like this, Sora, I always thought it would be me. And you - you feel things so deeply. I thought it would hurt less, maybe, if we weren’t together when I died.”

Sora let out a breath. “Okay.” He waited a moment. “Is this less painful for you?”

Riku buried his face in Sora’s shoulder. Sora didn’t need the answer. He knew, of course.

Sora didn’t say _I’m right_ or _of course it isn’t_ or _you’re an idiot_ or anything else. He wouldn’t, because he didn’t blame Riku and all of those statements were about blame. He just wanted Riku to accept, to acknowledge, to grow. It was all he’d ever wanted, even when they were kids who couldn’t stop racing each other across the beach. He just always wanted Riku to accept that they were a team.

Sora didn’t even say _then why did you think it would be different for me if it were you?_ He said, “I’m sorry.”

“There’s more,” Riku said roughly, even though he didn’t want to say it, not at all. But Sora deserved it.

Sora traced his finger in circles along Riku’s knee, dragging the edge of his fingernail against the denim. “Tell me?”

“You weren’t changing,” Riku said again. Now that he’d told half the story, the second part came easier, like the floodgates had opened and Sora was a village ready to drown. “And, uh. I could tell I was. Into someone I didn’t like, at all.” He knew it with every fiber of his being, with every bit of cruel doubt that he allowed to color the decisions he made. His hands trembled and killed and were coated with blood. How could he hold Sora gently with those hands?

“Riku-”

“No,” Riku said, because he didn’t want Sora’s platitudes about how it wasn’t true. “I was meaner - I was meaner to you - and I trusted people less and _I’m_ the one who contributing to this hell of a world.”

He could remember, very clearly, realizing that he was being mean to Sora. Roxas had been getting more and more dour, but Riku hadn’t realized why. Sora had been talking about something - garlic bread, he thought it was - and he was just chattering and Riku was fed up with him in a way that he never had used to feel around Sora, and he’d just snapped, “Sora, shut up, we’re never having garlic bread again.”

For a second, he felt gloriously free.

Until he realized Sora had actually shut up, and Riku immediately felt sick. Sora just stopped talking, a confused hurt look on his face. He never would have done that before, but then Riku had never felt like his before. In the past, whenever he’d snapped at Sora, Sora had known not to take it personally, because he understood Riku was complicated and Riku felt things very deeply and that Riku loved him, and Riku would apologize, saying _I just need a moment_. He’d nudge Riku and say something like _okay, find me when you’re ready_. Even when they were kids and just friends and Riku had been angry all the time, Sora had known this.

This time, Sora did take it personally, and he was right to, because Riku had meant it personally. It was different this time. And Riku had stood there and thought _he thinks I’m mean_ and then _I_ am _mean_ and felt breathless.

Roxas had shoved him none too easy. “Fuck you to hell, Riku, I don’t know what the fuck your problem is.”

Now, Riku took a deep breath in. Under his hands, he could feel Sora’s steady heartbeat. It hadn’t started to speed up yet from the infection. “I’m gonna end up awful.” It was a different sort of glorious freedom he felt now. Like a weight off his chest, like he could breathe. “And - I didn’t want you stop loving me. I didn’t want to be someone you couldn’t love and I knew you’d do anything to save me. So it was better like this.”

Sora squirmed around so that he could look Riku in the face. He always liked to stare into Riku’s soul during these conversations. “Riku,” he sighed, draping his arms around Riku’s neck. He sounded impossibly fond, which Riku was pretty sure he shouldn’t sound like at this moment. “Obviously if you became an evil Riku, I’d bring you back.”

“That’s part of the problem-”

“But!” Sora said loudly over Riku, “That wouldn’t happen! You could never become someone I couldn’t love. I know you, and I know that.”

Riku did not know that. Sora might have faith in him, but Riku knew himself too. He was capable of change for the worse, not just the better. “Yeah, maybe.”

“Not maybe,” Sora insisted. His thumb smoothed against the nape of Riku’s neck, grounding him. His hands were unusually hot, proof of the infection settling in. The fever was always the first sign. “You wanna know why? ‘Cause I could tell every time how much you hated the decision you were making. I could see how much you hated it.” Riku blinked, startled, and Sora gave him a strained smile. “I guess you didn’t know that.”

No, Riku hadn’t known that either.

“I probably shoulda said something,” Sora continued. “But I didn’t. I dunno, Riku, I guess I just knew you’d never get that far gone, and every time you made a decision you hated, it was like proof.” He made a face. “It was bad of me too. I didn’t think, I – I should have talked to you.”

He sounded sorry for it all, and maybe that made sense, but Riku closed his eyes and basked in the faith that Sora had in him. It felt alarmingly nice. “That doesn’t mean I still didn’t do it, though.” Forgiveness wasn’t that easy. Probably dozens of people were dead because he convinced himself they couldn’t take a chance of them.

“And I hated that,” Sora said honestly. Riku had known, of course, because Sora always argued and Sora tried, and Riku had snapped at him so many times. He hated himself for it. For days after, Sora would walk around with a firm frown on his face. Riku could never be sure what he was angry at: the situation or Riku. “But I think you hate yourself more. It’s okay to forgive yourself and do better in the future, Riku.”

It sounded simple, but Sora wasn’t going to be in the future to know. Riku would have to do it by himself, and he would try. Because he had to fix it, because Sora had hope, because he wanted to.

“It’s not that easy.”

“I know,” and there was steel in Sora’s voice. His eyes flashed with a bit of anger and Riku sat back, a little startled. “You think I don’t know that? I’m the one doing it, Riku, and it’s hard, every _day_ it’s hard. It takes _so_ much work-” he broke off, voice shaking, ducking his head against Riku’s shoulder.

Riku could feel Sora trembling. “You made it seem so simple,” he murmured, tracing circles onto Sora’s shoulder blade. “I didn’t – I thought you just – did it.” He’d just assumed it all came so naturally to Sora, that Sora didn’t even have to think about it. Riku was so used to Sora being the sun, he’d completely overlooked the toll it took on him, the cost of being the one who was good.

How much Riku had been burdening him with this, the price of smiles and sharing food with strangers. Of course it hadn’t been easy. He’d been so blinded by everything Sora was, had forgotten that Sora wasn’t perfect either, that he struggled and fought and was quick to anger too. _Of course_ it wasn’t easy, even for him. Especially for him.

“I think all the time about it,” Sora said, voice ragged. “I don’t know if it would be easier, I think it would hurt the same amount, but it hurts different.” He rubbed at his chest. “It’s – it’s not easy, obviously it’s not easy! But I don’t want to be someone who never helps anyone. I don’t want to be someone who only puts myself first. Neither do you.”

“But I am.”

“But you don’t have to be,” Sora replied. “It won’t be easy, Riku, but it’s simple.”

“I’ll try,” Riku promised. He’d fully expected to live the rest of his likely short life with Sora’s voice in his head, cajoling him to do better. If there was a way to honor Sora, this was it.

“Thanks,” Sora said, sounding very satisfied with himself.

“Sorry for being stupid.”

He was sorry for forcing them to spend this year apart. They could have been happy. It was probably inevitable that he’d done this, maybe it was even necessary, but he was sorry.

“You’re always stupid, that’s why you have me,” Sora grinned. Riku hadn’t realized that Sora knew that. “That’s why we have each other! But it doesn’t matter. One year where we didn’t make out all the time doesn’t mean anything against all our lives.”

“You’re making it way too simple!”

Sora snorted. “You always just make it too complicated!” He poked Riku’s cheek. “You still loved me, and I still loved you. We were still together in the ways that matter.”

Riku kissed him.

Sora made a muffled sound of surprise, swallowed up by Riku’s mouth, before kissing back, hard. He leaned his entire body against Riku, digging his too-hot hands into Riku’s shoulders. They’ve had their fair share of _thank god you survived_ kisses, desperate and needy, but this is different. This time, it was a certainty one of them wasn’t surviving, and it was too frantic and distressed a kiss to be truly familiar. Riku felt something in himself shift back into alignment anyway.

Sora’s hands cupped Riku’s jaw to pull him in and they burned against his skin. And it still felt better than anything to have his lips on Riku’s again. Riku was meant to be here, kissing Sora forever. Sora kissed him hot and fierce, like there was nothing else in the world, because there _was_ nothing else. This time, Sora kissed because he didn’t have much else left.

They broke apart, both of them panting. “You’re burning up,” Riku said softly. He had felt it in every kiss, Sora’s hot hands radiating through his shirt.

Sora ran a finger over Riku’s lips, then pulled his arms back so that he wasn’t touching Riku at all, carefully putting an inch of space between them. “How many hours?”

“You have about twelve left.” He smoothed Sora’s damp hair away from his sweaty forehead. He’d be delusional and convulsing in a few more.

Sora nodded. “Okay,” he said. “You - you need to chain me up.”

“Not yet.”

“Yes, now,” Sora insisted, jutting out his lower lip. Pouting had always worked so well for him. “I don’t want to hurt you, Riku.”

Riku sighed. “I know.” Sora was just so damn insistent that Riku live, and heal, and move on. Riku on his own didn’t particularly have any such plans. But he made promises and Sora had a way of making things happen, so it probably would. The thought of it burned at Riku now, though. He carefully disentangled himself from Sora, and helped him stand.

“I mean it.”

Riku ignored that. “Come on.” There was a radiator in the corner. It was a little farther away from the edge of the house, farther away from the sunlight and the trees, but it had to be done. Sora went willingly. He settled against the wall, next to the couch that hadn’t been used in four years, and held his hands out.

Riku carefully wrapped gauze around Sora’s wrists. “I don’t want you to get hurt,” he said when Sora made a questioning little noise. It was stupid, really. But - but still. This is what Riku had left, now, and Sora let him do it.

“Riku,” Sora said sternly as Riku wrapped the chains around his wrists and threaded it around the radiator. “Make them tighter.”

Riku winced. He’d half hoped that Sora wouldn’t notice, that he’d go to sleep and Sora would just - he didn’t know. There wasn’t really any place to wander off, so maybe Sora would attack, if Riku made enough noise or enough motion. It wouldn’t be that bad to turn, if Sora was there. “Happy?”

Sora gave a test pull on the chains. They clanked obnoxiously, but he couldn’t move his wrists more than a few inches. “Over the moon.”

“Good, I guess.” Riku knelt down and marked a circle around Sora, as far as Sora’s legs could reach, so he’d know how far to stay away. He really didn’t think he’d forget, though.

Sora scrunched up his nose. The chains rattled again as he turned his hand over, one palm entirely red. In its center sat the little crown, like a magic trick. _Now you see it, now you don’t_. Riku stared down at it then jerked his head up to look at Sora’s bare neck. Sora wasn’t smiling anymore. “Will you wear it?”

Riku felt his knees give up and he collapsed in front of Sora, the crown winking at him. “I - _really_?” He couldn’t make his hands reach out for it.

Sora wiggled his fingers, unable to pull Riku any closer, his customary trick. “Really really.”

“But it’s yours, though.” Riku had, in fact, given it to Sora so long ago he could barely remember. It had been made of first-grade pipe cleaners and paper at first, then a little wood carving on a chain after they’d both gone to summer camp. Roxas had loved curling his chubby baby fingers around it as he fell asleep, his head on Sora’s chest where he’d remain the entire time Riku and Sora were having alien movie marathons.

When Sora turned eleven, Riku got him a real necklace with money saved up from doing chores and mowing lawns. It had dangled from Sora’s neck ever since then. Sora used to kiss it for good luck before games, eyes sparkling like he knew what he was doing. It wasn’t until after they’d started dating that Riku realized yes, Sora knew _exactly_ what he was doing, winking at him when he saw Riku in the stands.

Sora stretched out a little farther. “Well, I’m yours too.” He gave Riku a crooked little smile. “I’m sure, Riku. It belongs with you.”

Riku swallowed back tears. “Of course I’ll wear it,” and his hands closed around the chain. He bowed his head and fumbled with the clasp until it was sitting at the hollow of his throat, heavy like the weight of the world. This way, he’d always have a little bit of Sora with him.

Sora took advantage of much Riku had leaned forward and caught his chin, even with his bound hands, to bring him for another kiss. Even with Sora’s arms jutting out at awkward angles, Riku still melted into it, tilting his head just so until Sora seemed to realize what he was doing and broke them apart, his hands on Riku’s chest pushing him back.

Riku stared at him, sprawled across the floor, and Sora shrugged, like _what can you do_. “It looks good on you,” he said, voice hoarse.

Riku pushed himself up on his elbows, noting the tears welling at Sora’s eyes. “Sora-”

Sora cleared his throat, ducked his head so Riku couldn’t see. “Pass me one of the lemonades?”

Riku allowed him to ignore it. Sora had cried last night, softly, burying his sobs in Riku’s chest, only because he thought Riku was asleep. Sora didn’t want to end crying. So he reached for a lemonade.

They’d technically been saving them. It was just Minute Maid, silver-blue cans and nothing else. Nothing fancy. But any treat was to be savored. When Riku had opened the refrigerator in the house two doors down and found five waiting, almost two months ago, long since warm, but still uncracked, he’d thought it was a wonderful gift. Sora had demanded they save the last two cans for Riku’s twenty-second birthday.

Sora wouldn’t make it the next month to see it.

“Happy birthday!” Sora popped open his lemonade can. He had to hunch forward to be able to lift it to his mouth. “I have a birthday wish.”

“Oh really,” Riku said, taking a sip of his own lemonade. It tasted incredible, even warm. Better than anything. “Pretty presumptuous of you to have a birthday wish for _my_ birthday.” It didn’t really matter, Riku and Sora had been joined at the hip so much as kids that whatever Riku did for his birthday, Sora was always there too.

“It’s a good one,” Sora said determinedly. “You can wish it for me.”

Riku looked at him, startled. “Yeah?” he said stupidly.

Sora nodded. “Well, I have two, I have a realistic one and a stupid one.”

“It’s not stupid.”

Sora laughed. “Well, my stupid wish is for all this to be over,” he said, waving his hand the spare inch he could. “The undead and the quarantine zone - I’m so glad I’m not dying in a quarantine zone.”

Riku probably would have convinced himself to be okay in the quarantine zone his entire life. There was enough excitement there. Shifts at work were always boring, but he had his friends and he got enough adrenaline from smuggling and getting into problems. He could have been content being the big fish in a very small pond, not needing to go outside the zone. He’d had more than enough adventure for a lifetime.

It would have been a lie, but Riku could make himself believe it.

“I just want it to be less gray.” Sora gave Riku a determined nod. “Not that I can make that happen.”

“That’s what wishes are for.” Riku took another sip of his lemonade. It was almost sickly sweet against his tongue, the sweetest thing he’d had in a long time. Too much and he’d probably make himself sick, but he couldn’t stop.

“My second wish,” Sora said, downing half the lemonade in one go and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, “Is that you don’t blame yourself.”

“I don’t.” Riku was startled to find that it was mostly true. This he could not have changed. He could not have loved Sora more or protected him more. This was just the world.

“You will, after you’re done blaming Roxas,” and he always dropped bombs like this with no warning. “And when you start thinking about it. These things just happen. It’s dangerous, you know? We’re always - it could have been either of us. Could have been you, or Rox. I don’t know. Just - it’s not your fault.”

“I wish I could save you,” Riku whispered and he leaned forward, capturing Sora’s lips. One last kiss. He didn’t want their last kiss to be full of remembering that they had nothing else, but maybe that was just the way of last kisses. The one would be sweeter than the last desperate one, but it still was tinged with loss.

Sora’s lips burned against his. His voice was sad, so sad it ached when he said, “Riku...”

“Yeah,” and Riku let Sora push him away again.

They didn’t say anything else.

\-----

Riku’s wrist often ached in the cool dark, or when it rained. It was his own fault the thing had broken, and it was his own fault it hadn’t healed completely right, but he didn’t have time for the remnants of pain.

He hadn’t killed the man who’d broken his wrist. Technically. That was what he always told himself, after, but it was always a lie, dressed up to look pretty. Riku might have put the bullet through his leg instead of his heart, but that man couldn’t run, couldn’t call out for help. If he was lucky, it was a clean shot and he could tie it up and limp away. If he wasn’t, and he probably wasn’t because there was no luck in this world anymore, then he’d have a bullet left to shoot himself before he got eaten alive.

They’d run crashing through the woods, practically blind to get away from him. Everyone was dangerous and even with his wrist, Riku’s good hand was at Roxas’s shoulder, pushing him along. They run for ages until they decided they were safe enough and Roxas had sat down, carefully splinting the wrist as best he could. They’d never had to deal with broken bones before, though, so Riku didn’t think his wrist would be the same ever again.

Roxas also crawled into the tent first, saying he’d take last watch, leaving Riku alone outside with Sora.

“Riku?”

Riku regretted ever thinking he was sad he couldn’t see the stars in cities because of the smog because he could see them now, shining beautiful, because there was no light anywhere else, not in the cities or the woods or in Riku’s heart. “I’m fine.”

Sora’s hand touched his back gently, tracing down the knobs of Riku’s spine. Riku couldn’t help but lean back against him. Before all this, Sora would have wrapped his arms around Riku’s waist happily, hooking his chin on Riku’s shoulder and calming him down. He was always so good at that, at knowing what Riku wanted and what he needed, which were so rarely the same thing.

But Sora had kept his distance this time, his hand the only point of contact. Just the shape of his fingertips and his palm flat against Riku’s back were overwhelming, so that Riku could barely hold himself together for how much he’d missed Sora’s touch. Sora’s thumb tapped once, twice, against the nape of his neck. “If you say so,” he said gently, the words quiet.

Riku looked down, putting some distance in between the both of them. That was what you were supposed to do, when you broke up with people. You created distance. Riku had been creating oceans of it for ages now. Once there had been nothing between him and Sora, but slowly Riku introduced a trickle, then a river, then an ocean so wide that Riku couldn’t see anything but the horizon, looking out at the line where the water met the sky like he was back home. This time, he was alone.

He’d put that ocean there, spilling out the depths from inside him. Sora had been surprised, but Riku always known what he was capable of, the things that Sora would never see because Riku had hidden them so well, letting only the icy water freeze _him_ , because Sora was meant to be warm.

He turned, dislodging Sora’s hand, and caught Sora’s wide eyes in the moonlight. “Yeah,” he lied. “Really. I’m fine.”

Sora tilted his head, studying him. Whatever he found, it made him turn away, let Riku contemplate the blood on his hands alone.

\-----

It took a few hours - and Riku could admit that he’d been watching Sora the whole time - but eventually, Sora started to shiver. The chain started clanking against the radiator. Sora kept starting to say things and then cutting himself off.

Maybe he didn’t want his last words to Riku to be some feverish delusion. Riku kept watching, trying to catch his eye to see how clear they looked. To see if Sora was still in there.

It was pointless. By now, Sora was shaking and his hands were twitching and soon - ah, yes, there - he started convulsing, body twitching in a way that was so incredibly painful to watch Riku could hardly stand it. His body contorted as best it could with the chains on, twisting itself into inhuman shapes.

“Hey,” Riku said, crawling close, wanting to do something, anything, but Sora batted his hand aside. He was burning up still, face red. He looked exhausted too, because he hadn’t slept much and his body wouldn’t let him rest, he just kept shaking and seizing even if he wasn’t saying a word. He looked more miserable than Riku had ever seen him.

“Get away,” he slurred, and Riku didn’t know - he didn’t know - if Sora meant to say it to Riku or he was just delirious now.

“Say something else,” Riku begged. “Anything.”

He didn’t want those to be Sora’s last words to him.

“Riku,” Sora mumbled, pushing him away again. It was hardly satisfying, but Riku let himself be pushed away, until he was sitting against the wall on the opposite side of the room. He was in darkness, but Sora - Sora was lit by moonlight.

Sora had never been this sick. He was the sort of healthy boy who never caught so much as a cold. He’d broken his arm once, when he was nine, going over the front of his bike and landing with a sickening crack. Riku had peddled them both back to Sora’s house, Sora cradling his arm and balanced on the handlebars. Riku had begged to go to the hospital with them to get his cast. Sora had fractured his other wrist when they were thirteen, playing soccer on the beach, which he hadn’t even noticed until he’d gone to pick up his water bottle and said “Oh wow!” and dropped it on his foot. Neither of those injuries had slowed Sora down at all. He’d had the flu only once, and he’d been babbling and feverish when Riku had peeked into the room, Sora’s mother insisting that he couldn’t go in, but -

It had been nothing like this.

Last night, they’d slept all tangled together in a sleeping bag. It had been familiar and warm, even if Riku had spent the whole night tossing and turning because of the cost this familiarity was coming at. Now, Riku would be spending this night alone, while Sora convulsed and shook on the other side of the room.

Riku had intended to stay up, but he fell into an uneasy sleep by accident, pure exhaustion and stress just taking over. He’d thought for a second that maybe Sora’s infected body would just walk off the edge of the building and hang by his wrists, but there wasn’t enough chain for that. And when Sora had stopped convulsing and fallen silent, slumped in an awkward position against the radiator, Riku had passed out too. No one could stay awake forever, and so he missed the final hours in which Sora would lose himself.

\-----

Sora had kept trying to hold Riku’s hand after they broke up. He was mindful of the fractured wrist but the other one he kept catching, forcing Riku to be the one to pull away. Every time Riku did, Sora got that look on his face, the one that promised _this isn’t over_. Riku knew that look well, but he had to prove it wrong.

Riku regretted that, now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahahaha . things r fun aren't they huh


	4. Chapter 4

He was surprised to wake up to birds chirping. He’d expected to be woken up by rattling chains and Sora’s snarling face, trying desperately to reach flesh. He hadn’t expected to have any peace at all. But it was just soft little bird calls, like nothing had happened. For a second, just a second, he kept his eyes closed, unwilling to accept it. He was so tired. He wanted to just hear the birds. His eyes felt puffy, because he’d probably been crying in his sleep.

He cracked one eye, slowly stretching his aching neck. He’d fallen asleep with his back against the wall, and the sun was in his eyes, making it near impossible to see anything. It looked like Sora was sitting quietly, legs crossed, eyes closed. Maybe he wasn’t past the final stage yet. Maybe he was trying to figure out how to catch his prey.

Riku sat up a little bit, wincing when the floorboards squeaked loudly under him. In any other house, Riku would have immediately tensed, hand going to his knife, because who knew what was out there, and he did the same here, as if Sora really was a dangerous infected. The rush of fear, even if Sora was chained up, was proof that Sora was right: Riku was alive. His body knew it.

Sora’s eyes opened, showing that brilliant blue.

He smiled.

“Riku,” he said. He _said_. Sora wasn’t supposed to be saying words. Infected couldn’t speak, they didn’t have any higher brain power, they only knew how to hunt. But Sora was saying Riku’s name and his eyes were blue and he was smiling and maybe this was a dream, but it was better than anything Riku had ever had.

“You just said my name,” Riku gasped, scrambling out of his sleeping bag. His foot got caught in it and he stumbled, but when he looked up, Sora was still there, laughing at him. He blinked a few times, like maybe Sora would just disappear when his eyes adjusted to the wonderful sunlight, but he was _still_ _there_. Still real. “Say it again.”

“Riku.” Sora couldn’t keep the grin off his face.

“You said it,” Riku breathed. It felt like a prayer. “You’re – you’re saying things. You understood me.” He gave a watery laugh. He wanted to give Sora the world and now he could, because Sora was alive, Sora was okay, Riku hadn’t woken up to a monster in the same house as him, a monster that he knew.

Sora looked up at him with a cautious expression, smile flickering. “It’s, um - it’s almost noon.”

He looked _so_ alive. In the past two days of his fever and his convulsions and his pallor, Riku had forgotten what he could look like he when he was so fucking alive. Alive and breathing and saying Riku’s name like nothing had ever happened, and he could breathe again, if he could just touch Sora -

Sora, who threw his shoe at him.

“Hey!” Riku caught it clumsily and immediately pitched it back, Sora fumbling to catch it with the chains on before it hit him in the face.

“ _Riku_!” Riku would probably never tire of hearing his name in Sora’s voice ever again. Sora studied the shoe, frowning. “You can’t come any closer!”

Riku didn’t listen. “That’s stupid.”

“Riku, I’m serious!” Sora threw his shoe again. It narrowly missed Riku’s shoulder, which was impressive considering he could barely move his arms. “We don’t know what’s going on!” Riku wasn’t in the habit of stressing Sora like this - and Sora looked a little distraught, pressing himself against the wall as if that would help him get farther away - so Riku stopped coming closer. Sora sighed, shoulders going up and down. “I don’t - I don’t want to hurt you.”

Riku made himself take a step back, even though the only thing he wanted to do was cling to Sora and never let go. Wanted to confirm Sora was still real. “Okay,” he said, taking another step back. One of the hardest things he’d ever had to do, to stay away from Sora like his world hasn’t changed twice in the matter of two days. “Yes. You’re right.”

It _was_ the smart move, but sometimes Riku’s heart was just too loud, begging him to ignore cool logic. Even now, it was thumping, reverberating around his ribcage, screaming so that he was sure every undead within a hundred miles must be able to hear him, but he didn’t care. Not when Sora was grinning at him like that. The way he always grinned, like he knew what Riku was thinking, like he was just so happy to be here with him.

“I’m always right,” Sora said.

“That’s definitely not true,” Riku said but he was right in this instance. He sat down heavily, just outside the circle they’d marked with that abandoned Sharpie Riku had found in the kitchen drawers.

“Well, I’m always right about the important things.” He laughed. So clear, so loud. “So.”

“So you’re not dead.” Riku had thought saying it would make it untrue, somehow, a spell in reverse. Like if he dared to say it as if it was a fact, the illusion would fade and he’d be sitting across from a feral Sora reaching out for him, eyes white. But it didn’t happen.

“I’m not dead!” Sora threw his hands up, giddy with relief. The chains clanked, but he didn’t seem at all bothered by it, since he just kept waving his hands around. “I should be totally dead, right?”

“You should be,” Riku agreed. He was trying to think about it rationally, but he couldn’t make himself stop smiling. Everything suddenly seemed so wonderful. The birds, the sunlight, the fresh air seemed so beautiful in a way that Riku had never been able to comprehend before this. Sora wasn’t dead. Sora was alive and breathing and Riku was going to be able to stay with him for as long as he could, and Riku planned on that being an eternity now, the future so bright it was blinding.

Sora winked. “I’ve always been lucky.”

It was his constant refrain. Just luck. And things always seemed to work for him the way he needed them to, because he forced them just through his sheer good nature.

Riku had never thought of himself as particularly lucky, whether that was because of the universe or because he didn’t make his own luck like Sora, he didn’t know. This didn’t feel like lucky, it felt like a gift, it felt like after four years of endlessly begging for a break, just one, please, just a second to rest – that their wish had be granted, a boon, a reward. Riku didn’t know about luck. But he did know about Sora.

“You kind of got our birthday wish,” Riku realized suddenly. “The one about - well, the one about living, but the other one, too. We can have hope.” He didn’t know what this meant, not quite, but if Sora survived - god, how could he not have hope now? He’d be practically unbearably hopeful and Riku was looking forward to every minute of it. It was a surprise to discover he had his own hope, too, glowing hot in his chest.

Sora let out a startled laugh. “Happy birthday to us,” he said wonderingly, looking down at his hands in disbelief. They didn’t shake even a little bit.

\-----

Riku couldn’t remember a time when he didn’t know Kairi and Sora. In one of his first memories, he was trying to calm down Sora, who was crying because the tag on his shirt was itching him. They’d spent their entire lives intertwined, three kids on the beach, three kids stuffed into the back of cards, three kids sprawled across the rug doing homework. The three Musketeers, everyone used to call them.

Riku really did love them, love their beach, love their little island and how happy they were when they were finally allowed to row out there on their own. At the time it had seemed like nothing was ever going to stop them from devouring the world. It probably wouldn’t have. It hadn’t really now. There had been a time when Riku going off to college, possibly across the country, had seemed like the end of it. If it had been just Riku, it would have been. He wasn’t someone good at long distance communication or keeping relationships alive, he was even quiet and withdrawn for his own parents, but Sora and Kairi were impossible to shake, embedded into Riku’s body. 

“Wanna go out to the island today?” Kairi would ask, feet propped up on the dashboard, heart-shaped sunglasses perched on her nose. She looked too cool for Destiny Islands, always. She belonged in a different city, a place where she could be herself, fully and completely.

“Oooh, yes,” Sora would chime in from the backseat, like they didn’t have homework or chores or anything. No, it was just a breezy day in Destiny Islands, sun so bright that Riku was sure to have a sunburn on his left arm from driving when he got home tonight. “But can we eat first, I’m starving.”

“You  _just_  ate like a whole thing of Cheeto’s,” Kairi would complain, turning around to make faces at him.

“We could go down the highway,” Riku would suggest, ostensibly as a compromise, and both Sora and Kairi would grin at him like they hadn’t known this would be the suggestion the whole time. It was always the answer to three kids with stars in their eyes. “To the city?”

Riku often felt out of place whenever they drove down to Radiant Garden, which was a small city and yet sometimes overwhelming. Destiny Islands wasn’t so small that Riku knew everyone either, but he knew enough people – his neighbors, the cashiers, the waitress who always wanted to kill him when he came in with orders for ten people, on his way over to Sora’s house. He felt too young and too silly and too small-town, but it never seemed to bother Kairi or Sora.

“Riku,  _why_ ,” Sora would demand, hanging onto Riku’s hand and swinging it back and forth as they walked down the street. “Is it because you think you look like a baby? I promise you don’t look like a baby.”

“Yeah,” Kairi would chime in, “If anything, Sora’s the one who looks like a baby.”

“Hey, you’re _way_ shorter than me-” but Kairi always cut him off by ducking into a shop anyways. She always managed to find something in the vintage stores. She’d gotten her heart-shaped sunglasses for six dollars at a secondhand shop. She often found things for Riku and Sora, too, claiming that one of them had to have fashion sense. 

“This is fine,” Riku would protest, looking at his jeans and track team shirt. At least, it was clean.

“No,” she’d reply, handing him a jacket, and dammit, if it didn’t turn out to be his favorite piece of clothing. Sora wandered about constantly, absently, finding new food trucks or ice cream stores with interesting flavors like Green Tea or Kiwi Lime Surprise.

Even if Riku felt out of place, he loved it. Everything was so new, so interesting. Sora always made friends with the wildest people, like the roller derby team who had invited Kairi for a try-out once she hit college, or the waiter who had played against Sora’s lacrosse team last year and apparently didn’t hold a grudge because he brought them free fries.

The ice cream store was always freezing, which Riku always forgot, and he’d always get hot chocolate instead of actually ice cream, which meant Sora and Kairi made fun of him, too, all tucked into one side of the booth because why not?

“I’d give you my jacket,” Sora said, sticking his tongue out, mischief in his eyes. “But it won’t fit you. You’re all brawn and no brain- hey!”

Because Riku would elbow him and then it would devolve into a silly fight. It always ended with Sora catching Riku up in an ice cream kiss, fingers sticky, Kairi stealing their ice cream without them even noticing.

Altogether, it had been a pretty good town, if it had given him Sora and Kairi.

\-----

Riku laid out every single can of food they had, which was enough to last them six days if they were careful, which wasn’t enough time to figure anything out.  For four days, slowly eating canned fruit and old cereal and whatever else they had, Sora made Riku sit beyond the reach of the chains, just in case.

It was possible something could go wrong, since they had no idea what had gone right, and Sora was nervous, so Riku did it, only coming inside the marked zone to hand Sora food or check his temperature. It was always _always_ normal. Sora flinched away every time Riku tried to touch him, too, which Riku hated more than anything.

It reminded him of high school. He didn’t know if Sora knew this, but for a few months after they’d been dating, sometimes Riku would look over and wonder if Sora would shake him off when he reached out, that same grimace on his face. It didn’t happen _every_ time, but often enough that the memory stayed with him even now, the fear pressing against him about to burst through his chest whenever he went to hold Sora’s hand or trace his jaw, because what if this time, Sora changed his mind. He’d find someone else to date – that cute girl in his math class or that boy on the baseball team who Sora always sat with on the bus.

It was first thing in the mornings after a sleepless night, when Riku swung by Sora’s house to pick him and Roxas up, that he’d wonder. It could never last long - Sora would throw open the car door, beaming, and plant a sloppy kiss on his cheek. It was partially because Sora never did anything by halves and partially to annoy Roxas, who was thirteen and made gagging noises the entire ride to the middle school where Riku dropped him off.

Sora would turn around and telling Roxas to have a good day at school and Roxas would flip him off, grinning, and Riku would reach out, safe, heart at ease, to pull Sora in for a kiss there in the drop off line while Roxas slammed the door behind him to join his friends.

Sora didn’t know that, though. At least, Riku had never told him. It was his own problem.

“At least let me check your bandages,” Riku said on day five. It was early morning, so of course Sora was up and very awake. Riku was only partially awake, but he was hungry. He’d probably have to go back to the zone again soon for food, unless he wanted to try his hand at hunting raccoons or something, which he very much did not. Sora was much better at that. “Do you want to get a normal infection on top of your weird brain infection?”

“I guess not,” Sora mumbled. He was leaning over, touching his toes, definitely antsy from sitting so long. It was a testament to how worried he was that he was still going to turn, because he hadn’t complained once about sitting still for that long, and he would have had it any other reason. It was hard to get him to do anything quietly. “I just don’t want it to reverse or something.”

Riku was trying to convince him to take the chains off, but Sora hadn’t gone for it. He’d let Riku extend them, at least, so he could sleep a little more comfortably and so he could stand and move around, but they still caught him with every step, dragging him back down. “I think we’d know.” Riku’s boots were at the very edge of the circle. “You’d have to show some symptoms.”

Sora straightened up, considering that. Riku saw the second he was going to agree. “Okay, you can check my bandages.” Riku was already halfway to him by the time Sora added, “But be really careful!”

If this was a mutation, then they didn’t know what might what might be happening to Sora. For all they knew, Sora had mutated and turned the disease airborne and Riku was already infected too. He didn’t really think that would happen, though. It seemed like a bit of a leap. So that was, at least, easy for Riku to agree to.

“I will,” he promised, carefully reaching out for Sora’s elbow, pulling him closer. If not for the blood on Sora’s shirt, Riku could easily believe nothing was wrong with him. He looked completely healthy. “Come here.”

Riku made them both sit, then he gently peeled the bandage off. The bite stood out against Sora’s tan skin, the imprint of teeth clear, but it was scabbing a bit, thankfully. Riku carefully prodded at it, swiping some antibacterial ointment on it, but it would probably turn to scar pretty quickly. “It’s gross. Riku reached over to the medical kit for another bandage. “Like real gross. But it’s healing.”

Sora nodded then went still immediately when Riku started to smooth another bandage over it. “Like it gets gross before it gets better, that kinda gross?”

“It looks exactly like the same you fell off Roxas’s skateboard and scraped all of your skin off and your knees were covered in pus and you hobbled around for a week,” Riku said, which made Sora smile. “Now can I take these stupid chains off?”

“I don’t know,” Sora said doubtfully.

“Come on,” Riku pleaded. He looped an arm around Sora’s waist. Sora made a face, but allowed it, and that was fine, because for five days Sora hadn’t let Riku touch him at all. Riku went for broke, his fingers lingering on the back of Sora’s neck. “I miss you.”

Sora softened. “Okay, you can take them off.”

Riku couldn’t contain a whoop as he pulled the key out his pocket, releasing Sora’s wrists immediately. The chains hit the floorboards with a clunk. The second Sora was free, Riku pulled him in for a hug that was all enthusiasm and no finesse. It was a good thing they’d already been sitting down, or Sora would definitely have stumbled into his arms. Riku didn’t care. It wasn’t rough, by any means, but it was so far from how he’d been treating Sora the last few days, like glass, and he’d missed him so much.

“I missed you,” Riku whispered, right into Sora’s ear.

“I hadn’t noticed,” Sora said, but he was laughing. His arms were tight around Riku’s waist too. If he was thinking that Riku was unnaturally unreserved, he didn’t say anything. He’d almost just died, after all. If there was ever a time for Riku unrestrained with his love, it was now, now that he hadn’t had to put the love of his life to rest. “I missed you too.”

Riku pressed his face into Sora’s chest, let Sora card his fingers through his hair. He needed a haircut. Maybe Sora could give him one. “Are you going to make me chain you up again tonight?”

“Yup.”

Riku groaned. “Sora,” he said. “I really think you’re fine. You went through the whole cycle, you had the fever and the convulsions, right? If it’s an infection, couldn’t your body fight if off?”

The last state of the infection was the fungi growing over the brain; the convulsions and the fever were just warning symptoms that the body was fighting infection. Riku’s guess would be that the fungi hadn’t grown for whatever reason. He didn’t know what that meant at all for Sora’s body.

Sora made a face. “I dunno, I’m not a doctor.” He huffed. “Can you fight off a brain infection?”

“I don’t know.” Riku sat up because serious conversations required sitting up. He didn’t remove his arm from Sora’s waist, though. Not ever. “Naminé would, though. I can get her out of the zone. If - if you’re okay with it.”

He’d been thinking about this for a while, and it was probably their best and only plan. Naminé worked in the research labs, which were ostensibly still working on a cure. Most of the workers and certainly no one in the zones believed that they’d find one, but that was the government line, and they probably really had been working on a cure at one point. She was the only person they trusted who might be able to tell what was going on.

Sora looked out at the trees then back at Riku. “Naminé?”

“Naminé,” Riku repeated.

Sora bit his lip. He knew that Riku wouldn’t risk Naminé unless he was really sure things would go well. Riku wouldn’t let hope or emotions get their friends hurt no matter how much he loved Sora. Riku would only let himself get ruined. “Okay,” Sora agreed and Riku breathed a sigh of relief. “Since you think it’s really safe.”

Riku cautiously reached out and brushed Sora’s matted hair out of his face. “I really think that if you were going to become a host, you’d show actual signs, but you haven’t had any problems.”

“Maybe I had them while you were asleep.”

“Did you?” Riku said skeptically. Sora squirmed a little bit more but shook his head. “Why are you so determined to believe this is going to go wrong?”

Sora huffed, clearly annoyed that Riku had figured him out. “I just - I don’t wanna be wrong and then get someone hurt because I wasn’t careful.”

Riku made a face. “I don’t like this thing where you’re cynical and I’m positive,” he said. “I just - I want to believe in this, Sora. For as long as it lasts.” It wasn’t in his nature, and they both knew it, but he couldn’t keep going like Sora would die at any moment. He’d tear himself apart like that. He nearly had, this time.

Sora sighed and leaned against Riku. His shoulder was warm, but not worryingly so. Sora always ran warm. “I guess you’re right.”

“I’m always right.” Riku parroted his own words back at him.

Sora didn’t take the bait. “I get to be scared,” he said crossly, lacing his fingers through Riku’s.

It must be hard, to confront your own death - and infection _was_ a death, even if you lived, because everything that made you _you_ was gone - and then be given that second chance. To worry it might all be taken away, again, that you might hurt the people you loved, again. Riku had always wanted anything but that for Sora. You couldn’t always get what you want, however.

“I know,” Riku said. He didn’t. “But - I’m tired of living afraid.”

Sora sucked in a horrified breath. “Oh,” he said sheepishly. “When you put it like that.”

“Yes, I’m very sensible,” Riku agreed. “So can we stop being so dramatic?”

“Like you’re one to talk!” Sora protested, but he was grinning and he wasn’t shrugging Riku’s arm off and it was like old times but Riku had eons more hope. “Fine! You win!”

“Are you gonna sleep with me tonight?”

Sora rolled his head, trying to work out the kink in his neck. He kept having to sleep in stupid positions, with his arms above his head, so that the chains wouldn’t strangle him or something during his sleep.

It felt a little bit like being children again, in sleeping bags, on opposite ends of the room. As kids, it had never last long, because Sora would sneak over to Riku’s side in the night and crawl in with him. Riku would wake up with his head on Sora’s chest every time, needing to be held. He wanted it now, too, but understood why Sora didn’t want to let it happen.

“Not tonight,” Sora said eventually. “Not yet. Let’s see what Naminé says.”

\-----

The following day, they packed up their things and hid them in one of the closets in the house, intending to return to the zone at noon when Naminé would have a break in her shift. Sora walked a little ahead of Riku the entire time they were heading through the school; Riku couldn’t tell if it was because he’d rather fight off infected than have Riku do it now with his immunity, or if he was still afraid he’d turn and attacked Riku.

Riku didn’t really care either way, since they got through the school fine. He could solve that problem later, when they weren’t on a mission. “Okay.” He slid his gun into its holster. “I’ll get Naminé and bring her out here. You good?”

Sora nodded as he set the ladder up against the wall. “I wish I could go with you.”

“You definitely wouldn’t be safe,” Riku said. “They were talking about testing people at every checkpoint, remember?” He remembered hearing the loudspeaker announcement and had chalked it up to the amount of people sneaking it, hiding in contaminated buildings, and then getting infected. It all came back to that, really, the entire reason Sora had wanted to leave the zone in the first place, and the whole reason Roxas had gotten mad. It was all this stupid zone.

“I know, I know.” He gestured towards the ladder, then added hopefully, “And check for Roxas?” They only talked about Roxas once since Riku’s last foray into the zone, just last night while discussing what to do. Besides that one instance, Riku thought that Sora hadn’t wanted to talk about the fact that he was dying without his brother there.

“I will.” They both knew that Roxas would have come had he seen the note. This was a just in case. He leaned over and tried to press a kiss to Sora’s mouth.

Sora slapped a hand over his entire face, nearly poking Riku in the eye. “Don’t.”

“Don’t - don’t kiss you?”

“You _just_ said I probably wouldn’t pass a test right now,” Sora said, which fine, that was a good point. “I’m still infected, probably.”

Riku digested this and pushed Sora’s hand aside. “It’s fine if it doesn’t get into my bloodstream.” Infected saliva had to hit the bloodstream, spores had to be inhaled, he knew that. If a bite didn’t break skin, you were fine. The saliva meant nothing on its own.

“We don’t know that you don’t have a cut.”

“A cut probably isn’t big enough to infect me,” Riku argued. “Come on, I missed you!” He’d spent months not kissing Sora and it had used to be one of his favorite pastimes.

Sora didn’t budge. “We don’t _know_ that,” Sora said, putting his hand over Riku’s mouth again. “I’m not gonna risk it, Riku, I can’t - I wouldn’t be able to stand it if you got infected because of me, and - and I wouldn’t be able to shoot you either -”

Riku gently pulled Sora’s hand away from his mouth. “Okay,” he agreed. “I’m sorry, you’re right. No kissing.”

“Okay,” Sora said, nodded. He waved at the ladder again. “Get going.”

This was probably the only time in the entire apocalypse that Riku had climbed a ladder first. But he pressed a kiss to Sora’s temple - Sora allowed him this, at least - and then headed up, feeling lonely without Sora by his side.

\-----

Naminé didn’t know what was going on, and Riku didn’t want to tell her too much inside the zone, just in case the military got any ideas about Sora. Naminé was, understandably, kind of upset, since it had been five days since she’d heard anything from Riku or Roxas, and last she’d heard was Riku and Sora had lost Roxas outside the zone. Riku shook his head as she smacked his arm. “Just - I have to show you,” he said. “A lot has happened.”

He made sure Naminé brought her little traveling medical kit, complete with vials and syringes.

Naminé didn’t really leave the zone often. Riku didn’t know what she had done before ending up in the zone, but she didn’t talk about it much, and he knew better than to ask. She hadn’t really left since. But they weren’t going far enough to need any weapons, hopefully. Sora was waiting in the little courtyard, leaning against the brick wall of the school.

“Hey,” he said cheerfully. His face was a little red from the sun. The bandage wasn’t quite hidden by Sora’s torn shirt collar but it was still just a bandage, not a bite.

Naminé let a soft cry. “You look _fine_!” She swooped down to give him a hug. Sora didn’t lift his arms much to hug her, because the bite might not be contagious but it was still painful, and Sora’s insistence on being chained up hadn’t helped. “Riku made me believe you were dying!”

Sora _tsked_ and looked up at Riku, who held up his hands in defense. “I didn’t say anything,” he protested, which was probably as ominous as saying what had happened, now that he thought about it. Hindsight was always 20/20.

“I’m not dying,” Sora said, waving his good hand around. Naminé blinked at the sight of the blood still flaked on his fingertips. “We totally thought I was going to, though.”

“What?”

Sora pulled his shirt collar down to reveal the bandage. “I, uh, got bit,” he said helpfully. “But it’s fine! I got bit like a week ago and I’m fine!”

Naminé gasped, peering closer. She swept up Sora’s hand and gave it a quick squeeze. “You got bit a week ago?” She let a shaky breath. “You’re immune?”

She looked shell-shocked; Riku could relate. Before six days ago, he would have never believed in something like immunity. He would never in his wildest dreams have allowed himself to have hope for that. He didn’t know what it meant to look at a disease from a scientific view point, but Riku’d bet money that if Naminé had ever believed in immunity, she’d never believed it would be right under her nose like this. Riku never would have either, and he knew the kind of miracles Sora could make simply by believing in them. This one had just seemed too big.

Trust Sora.

Sora shrugged. “I don’t know, Naminé. Maybe it’s just delayed or something. That’s really what I’m hoping you can tell me.”

“Right.” Naminé sounded very focused, like she was hearing Sora from a great distance. She furrowed her brow; relief having given way to interest. “Can I take off this bandage?”

“You’re the expert,” Sora told her, and Naminé gave him a curt little nod and snapped on some gloves before removing the bandage. It still didn’t look great. Riku didn’t like looking at it. But Naminé seemed capable of putting aside the part of her that knew Sora was her friend and was only focusing on the bite, the meaning, the science. It was a valuable skill nowadays.

“How did this happen?”

“We were looking for Roxas,” Sora told her, tipping his head to the side for her.

Naminé made a humming noise. “Can I have some of your blood?”

Sora made a disgusted face. “Uh, yes,” he said, holding his hand out for Riku.

Riku snorted, dropping down at Sora’s other side. This was familiar - Sora hated getting shots of all kind and often just refused. Riku and Kairi had long since mastered tricking him into going, for his own good, but Sora often told them he never got sick anyways, which was annoyingly true.

Naminé took a few vials; Sora kept his eyes closed the whole time, face tilted towards the sun. Riku didn’t really know what Naminé was doing, but she seemed to be carrying a checklist in her head. She _had_ been working in the labs for the better part of two years.

“It could be genetic mutation,” she mused, swirling one of the vials. “But I don’t know if that’s on your part or the one who bit you. Possibly it might just be a mutated strain of the infection - I wish Roxas was here, I could get some of his blood too.”

Riku made an interested noise. “You think he’d also be immune?”

“If it’s a genetic marker or some kind, yes.” Naminé sat back on her heels and carefully started packing the blood vials into her bag, nestling them into different pockets for safekeeping. “Are you guys identical?”

“No,” Sora said, used to the question. He’d gotten it more and more often, now that Roxas wasn’t a kid. They really did look just alike sometimes. “He’s my baby brother, we’re not twins.”

Naminé looked briefly disappointed by that but she took it in stride, not mentioning any of the usually platitudes about how they looked just the same. It probably wouldn’t have helped, at the moment. “It’d still be helpful, to see if it ran in families. Genetic markers aren’t just for twins.”

Sora considered this. “My older brother turned.” He sounded casual, but his fingers were tight around Riku’s. “Right at the beginning.”

Naminé wrote that down. “I’m sorry,” she said softly. “My father turned, as well. Of course, I actually hated him, so I didn’t care as much.”

The corners of Sora’s mouth lifted in a smile, briefly, then he swallowed. “You really still don’t know where Roxas is?” His voice sounded stilted, odd.

Riku shook his head. “I don’t think he’s been back.” He’d checked the apartment before going to Naminé’s, and it looked like nothing had been touched. Roxas’s room was empty, the note on the table was still held down with a rock. The window was still open, because Riku had wanted a way to know if Roxas had come back at all.

Naminé frowned, her mouth a tight line. “I haven’t heard from him since I last saw you.” She bit her lip. “I hope he’s okay.” She and Roxas had been close. If Roxas wasn’t at work, chances were good he could be found at Naminé’s.

Sora closed his eyes. “I don’t know,” he said miserably. “He has to be, though.”

Naminé shook her head. “We’ll keep an eye out for him,” she said. “What about you?”

Riku looked at Sora, who looked back at him. “We’re going back to Destiny Islands for a bit,” Riku said, squeezing Sora’s hand. Sora squeezed back. “Then I think we’re going to go to Traverse Town.”

He and Sora had discussed it last night, still in separate sleeping bags on separate sides of the room, with Sora still chained by one wrist to the radiator. At least the chain was long enough that he could lie down.

“I want to find Roxas,” Sora had said, rolling over a little bit. Riku could tell by the shadows that Sora was facing him, but he couldn’t actually see Sora’s face that well.

“I know,” Riku said.

“He’d have come if he saw the note,” Sora pressed, and they both knew that was true. “And I want to go to Destiny Islands.”

Riku rolled over too and propped his head up. “You want to go back home? Are you crazy?”

Sora sat up, face suddenly lit by the moon, and he had that look in his eye, like maybe he was a little crazy. “I want to go home,” he said stubbornly. “It feels right. Maybe Ventus has been back looking for us, or Kairi, and I think Roxas’ll go there too.”

Riku didn’t asked _how do you know_ because Sora never knew how, but he was almost always right. Sora always chalked it up to big brother’s intuition, which Roxas always scoffed and groaned at. Riku always scoffed and groaned too, but sometimes he just didn’t see what else it could possibly be.

Riku reached out. So did Sora, with his good arm, so that their fingertips just barely touched. “After that?”

Sora made a thoughtful noise. “Maybe Traverse Town?”

“Traverse Town?” Riku repeated. That wasn’t in the opposite direction of home, but it sure wasn’t in the same one, either. “That’s - the smuggler town?”

Yuffie, the smuggler they’d met a few times, was from Traverse Town, and she’d mentioned several times that she and a few friends had a little compound there, safe enough. If Riku had been paying more attention, he maybe would have realized that all the questions Sora asked about it over the last year weren’t just curiosity, but the beginnings of a plan.

“Yeah,” Sora said. “Think Yuffie’ll help me? You know how much she likes me.”

“She’s a smuggler,” Riku said, because it was true. They weren’t technically friends. Associates, maybe. Though admittedly, all the smuggling went much better when it was Sora handling everything.

“It’s fine!” Sora said brightly. “I mean - it’s a four-day walk, that’s not too bad, and I think Yuffie would at least let me talk to her before she killed me.”

Yuffie might, Leon might not.

“It’s really our only option, huh.” It was the only town he knew of that was still standing, and as far as he could tell, it was very self-sufficient, even if it was only five or so people. Going further down the coast, past Destiny Islands, now that was definitely a bad idea, because the bigger cities had been totally decimated by the infection. As far as he knew, quarantine zones littered the country, and supposedly parts of D.C. and New York were still standing, as well as a couple of cities in Texas, Florida, Virginia, but most of the government officials had relocated if they hadn’t died. Riku wasn’t really sure what job they did anymore. It wasn’t like anyone could elect them. “Yeah, let’s do that then.”

Sora gave him a smile. “So you’re coming with me?”

Riku felt his face heat up. “You know I am.”

Sora blew a kiss at him. “Thank you,” he said, like it was a secret, and then he sent over another kiss. Riku had closed his eyes, playing along and catching them and pressing air to his cheek and wishing they were real.

Now, in the daylight, running his thumb over the bony knuckles on Sora’s hand, it seemed like a pretty solid plan. It wasn’t like they had anywhere else to go. They couldn’t hang out in this ivy and concrete courtyard forever, and they certainly couldn’t stay in the half-demolished house forever either. For one thing, they’d run out of food, and for another, the military wouldn’t like it, and avoiding them on top of avoiding infected was just pure idiocy.

Naminé smiled at the both of them. “Can you stay a few more days? I’d like to get more blood samples.”

Sora looked at Riku, who shrugged. He didn’t see the harm in it. An extra week before they headed out wouldn’t change anything, since Destiny Islands wasn’t going anywhere. And they really had no idea where Roxas was - they had no clues, no trail to follow. It was all of Sora’s gut instinct and another week wouldn’t matter to his instinct either. “Sure,” Sora said. “Do you want to meet back tomorrow to steal more of my blood?”

“Yes,” Naminé decided, giving him a quick nod. She turned to Riku, pulling out a little notebook and pen. “What were his symptoms?”

Riku recounted them. The details were seared into his memory, they’d never leave him behind. “Everything went textbook,” he said. “I was checking the hours. Fever first, then mild delusions and convulsions. He was probably only semi-conscious for the last few hours.”

“I don’t really remember past the fever,” Sora shrugged. “I just remember waking up and feeling fine.”

“Not exhausted, or sluggish?”

“No, just fine,” Sora said earnestly. “Like, I forgot for a minute that anything was even happening. It was early, Riku was still asleep. Probably around six.”

Riku blinked, feeling suddenly guilty; he hadn’t realized Sora had sat around in chains for six hours waiting for him to wake up. He couldn’t imagine why Sora had done it; Sora had never had a single problem waking Riku up at all hours of the day. He must have still been worried that it was a delayed reaction to turning.

“That’s normal for you,” Naminé muttered absently. “And you haven’t noticed your reaction times slowing down, or your vision getting cloudy? Rashes? Fever? Anything abnormal?”

Sora scrunched up his face. “Nope. Riku?”

“I haven’t noticed anything,” Riku said, because they all knew he’d have noticed before Sora would have.

Naminé frowned. “Okay.” She tucked her notebook back into the pocket of her coat. “I have to get back to the labs, but I’ll be back tomorrow and I’ll bring you some food, okay?”

“You’re the best,” Sora said happily. Naminé stood up and dusted off her jeans, which she always managed to keep clean somehow. “See you tomorrow, okay?”

Naminé pressed a kiss to Sora’s cheek then let Riku pull her up. Sora watched them go, expression entirely inscrutable. Riku wasn’t used to that. Once they were up the ladder and out of Sora’s earshot, Riku asked, “Naminé, do you think-”

“I’m not thinking anything,” Naminé said firmly. She peeked back over the edge - Sora waved back at her cheerily, all evidence of his previous displeasure gone. “Not until I look at his blood. But -” she looked at Riku. “I’m sure you both know that this could mean a cure.”

“Yeah.” How could he not be thinking it? “But I’m not signing him up to be a lab monkey. Not in this zone.”

“I know.” Naminé shoved her hands in her pockets, obviously uncomfortable with it. There had been talk of testing vaccines on human subjects in a zone to the north, which Riku had pointedly made sure to avoid. He didn’t know what came of that. “I wasn’t asking you to. I don’t know that it would do any good in this zone, either. But a vaccine could change a hell of a lot. It’d be just like Sora, too.”

“I know.”

“I’m going to mention that to him,” Naminé said, which mean something different. Sora would give his entire body to find a cure if he thought it would work, and this time, it just might. He’d probably walk into the zone himself and give himself up, without even thinking about it.

“I know,” Riku said, pulling aside the metal grate that hid the entrance to the basement. He helped Naminé down and then pulled the metal back into place before jumping down himself. He very selfishly wanted to stop her, to ask her not to mention anything, but even he couldn’t be that cruel. He wanted to chalk it up to a miracle and live the rest of their lives together, finding small bits happiness where they could, whether it was lemonade or celebrating birthdays or just being together at all. He didn’t particularly believe a cure could change much at this point - half the country was dead, and half of what was left was infected - and he didn’t particularly have much faith in Naminé finding a cure, either. Riku wasn't in the habit of believing things that seemed too good to be true.

But Sora wouldn’t see it that way, of course. He could save humanity, if he wanted to, and he would. Riku couldn’t stop him; he wouldn’t be Sora if he could be convinced otherwise.

He wouldn’t trust many people besides Naminé to try and make a cure right. He could trust that no matter how willing Sora was to donate his entire body to a cure, Naminé wouldn’t take it. She wasn’t heartless. She was good.

“I don’t like it any more than you do,” Naminé said, setting off. “But - I can’t let this go.”

“I know that too,” Riku said. He caught Naminé’s hand, forcing her to stop. He felt worryingly naked under her gaze. “Nami, you know I trust you to do this right. I just - anyone but him, you know?”

Naminé nodded, eyes serious. Of course she knew. Riku had never needed to tell her, but he had to. “I know." She knew. Of course she knew. Riku wasn't the first person she'd ever met, she'd lived through the end of the world too. She knew what happened to go people and people who made sacrifices and people who wanted to save the world. "But - this could _be_ something. It really is just like Sora to be immune, you know?”

“He’s always been lucky.”

They both knew Sora had a way of making it true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ssee its fine . but theres still like *checks word doc* oh like a solid 40k more of trauma to go, u kno how it is


	5. Chapter 5

When they left, almost three weeks later, they took a backpack each. They could fit everything they needed into a backpack each if they tied the sleeping bags to the bottom, like they were hiking the camping areas around Destiny Islands.

“Is it sad that we don’t have anything?” Sora asked, carefully packing all the cans at the bottom of his bag so that they wouldn’t rattle. They didn’t have very many left, and they’d have to scavenge to find anything else, a thought that made Riku itch. They’d have enough to make it to Destiny Islands, but they’d have to search there – they’d agreed not to go into any other towns if they didn’t have to, because unknown towns were dangerous, full of infected, and possibly full of traps. Destiny Islands was carved into their very being, familiar like nothing else, even if they might step in and find it all changed due to a different light.

Riku looked at his own pack. He had extra socks, a few extra pairs of underwear, and exactly one other shirt. He had a jacket for once it truly became winter, not just this breezy still humid fall. He had a bunch of dry food stuffs, things that he and Sora had been hoarding for ages, in case the rations ran out, but they’d agreed that was emergencies only.

He had a photo of him with his parents. He had a picture of him standing beside Kairi and Sora as kids, all three of them missing their front teeth (Sora had lost his first, and Riku and Kairi had been jealous). He had the keys to his childhood home, still, the little bat key chain still smiling up at him. He had his ID card, which had been given to him when he’d entered the quarantine zone, since he didn’t have any other identification on him at the time.

Sora also had extra socks, matches, and food stuffs. He also had some hand drawn maps pressed carefully between the pages of an old Winnie the Pooh picture book he’d stolen from a library, but that was it. He still had his license, somehow. It didn’t seem right that Riku should have more.

“I don’t know.” Riku pulled his backpack on; the heft was familiar, the weight evenly distributed across his shoulders. Comfortable. He could run with this. “Does anyone have anything?”

“Poetic,” Sora said sagely. “We have each other, idiot.”

Naminé saw them off; they’d asked her to come but she shook her head. “I need the labs here for a little while longer.” Always so determined. “I’m close to figuring something out. If you make it to Traverse Town, send a note with Yuffie. I’ll come find you.”

Sora grinned at her. “I’m gonna hold you to that.”

“You won’t have to,” Naminé said. Today her blonde hair was pulled into a high ponytail, making her look much older than twenty-six. “I want to find Roxas, and Sora’s the answer to the cure, I just know it. I’m only staying because of that, but I’ll find you again.”

Riku drew her into a hug, surprised that he was so grateful Naminé wanted to come. She was one of his closest friends now, despite only knowing her a year, and he’d honestly kind of thought he’d never make another friend in this hell of a world. He couldn't trust anyone. He couldn't be sure. But Namine had proven him wrong time and again. She was cool and refreshing and light and Riku didn’t want to lose her. “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll see you in a month,” Naminé promised, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

And then they were gone. Just the two of them, and if they were really lucky, soon it would be the three of them. If anyone was still there, at Destiny Islands. Anyone alive. Riku would take anyone at this point; Roxas or Kairi or the girl who used to work at the surfing hut on the beach. Riku wasn’t holding out hope or anything though. If there was any luck to the world, they’d used it up on Sora.

Leaving the area surrounding the wall had been - eerie. It had been just about empty. Riku hadn’t expected tons of infected, given that the military often drove through here, but he’d expected some. Every other time they’d left the zone, there had been. They hadn’t crossed paths with them often, but a few lone ones who had wandered close, sure. They saw none though as they hiked up the access road to the highway.

It was actually sort of freeing to be outside the zone. Riku had expected to be stressed the entire time, but the space was just so invigorating. The highways were clear. The breeze was just beautiful.

Sora’s bite had turned mostly to pockmarked scabby skin, and soon it would just be scar and nothing else. Best of all, Naminé had reassured Sora last week that if he hadn’t turned at this point, he wouldn’t. Kisses were still off the table, until she checked out his blood, but Riku could see that Sora was so much lighter just hearing the confirmation that he wouldn’t become a monster now. Any monsters they might become were solely on their own conscience.

They could share the same sleeping bag again, Riku could wrap his arms around Sora’s waist and bury his face in his chest again, they woudn't have to worry about finding a place to chain Sora up at night, which he’d forced Riku to do until Naminé had broken the news.

And Sora was happier too. Outside the zone, he really came back to life. Riku hadn’t even realized he was fading away until he saw him so vibrant in the sun.

\-----

Riku got picked up from the last day of eighth grade by Vanitas and Ventus, Vanitas behind the wheel of the family’s pick-up truck. This wasn’t uncommon, Riku almost always went home with Sora’s family. Vanitas was rarely the one picking them up though, since he had a part time job at the local bookstore, but school had gotten out _way_ earlier for the high school kids than the middle school kids, so maybe that’s why he’d had time.

“Vani!” Sora said, scrambling into the back of the truck and throwing his red backpack on the floor. Riku followed a little slower. “How was your day?”

“Hey kid,” Vani drawled. He kind of smelled like smoke, but he always smelled a little bit like smoke even if Riku had never once seen him smoking a cigarette. Sora hadn’t either, which just made them want to watch Vanitas all the more closely, but in the year they’d been watching, he hadn’t smoked once. “It was good.”

“Thanks for the ride,” Riku parroted automatically, which made Vanitas grin and Ven laugh. He never understood why they laughed when he was polite, but it was never mean. Vanitas and Ven were always making fun of Sora and Roxas, ruffling their hair, and they did the same to Riku too. Riku liked it. 

“You guys wanna go get food?” Ven asked, turning around in his seat. His blue eyes were just the same as Sora’s, full of excitement.

“Really?” Sora said, bouncing up and down in his seat.

“Click it or ticket though,” Vanitas pointed at Sora menacingly in the rearview mirror. “I have a perfect driving record, Mini-me, you aren’t ruining it.”

Sora nodded very seriously but his blue eyes were laughing. He put his seatbelt on anyways and Vanitas pulled out of the pick-up line, putting on his blinker to go left instead of right towards Sora’s house and the elementary school. “What about Roxas?”

“The pipsqueak is getting picked up by Mom today,” Ven said, putting his feet up on the dash. Vanitas slapped them back down and Ven laughed. He was always riling up his twin, but Vanitas always gave as good as he got. “Come on, this place has great shakes.”

The little diner ten minutes down the highway _did_ have great shakes, even though the waitress gave Ven and Vanitas odd looks. It was probably because Sora and Riku were the only two kids in there, and even Vani and Ven were a little young amid all the truckers. It also could have been Vanitas’s nose ring or his black nail polish, neither of which happened much in Destiny Islands. Vanitas was always sticking out, but he seemed to like the attention.

“A lot of high school kids come here,” Ven told Riku, stealing some of his fries. It wasn’t stealing when Ven was buying them, really. “So you’ll be really cool if you tell your new high school friends about it.”

Riku frowned. He saw a million different things wrong with that sentence but he settled on the easiest one. “I don’t want to be cool.”

Vanitas laughed. “Right on,” he said, giving Riku a fist-bump. “Stick it to the popular crowd.”

“Stop being mean to me.” Ven elbowed him.

“Oh? Oh Mr. Popular can’t handle it? Mr. Popular is a weak delicate flower?”

Ven shoved him none too easy and Vanitas let a huge laugh, both of them distracted.

Sora took advantage of their distraction to steal Vanitas’s chocolate shake and turn to Riku. “You can’t be cool until I get to high school too,” he instructed, stealing a few fries to dip into his shake. Sora still had another year of middle school, though he didn’t seem bothered by it the way Riku did. Sora had Kairi and the kids on his sports team, Riku didn’t have anyone. He’d never had to make friends when Sora had always done it for him.

“Sure,” Riku said, words dripping with sarcasm. Sora didn’t buy it for a second, not according to the grin on his face. “I’ll just wait then, because _you’ll_ definitely be the pinnacle of cool.”

At the time, he’d just felt kind of cool because Sora’s older brothers _were_ cool and they didn’t really hang out with a couple of middle school kids, purely because they had so many things to do. Vanitas played in a band in the city a couple of nights a week and probably more once he moved into college dorms there and Ven had a sports scholarship to a college across the country, and they were both getting out.

He didn’t realize until much _much_ later that Ven and Vanitas had just probably realized that they were going to leave soon, and that they’d miss their baby brother. Riku was honored to be included.

\-----

It took them only four days to get to Destiny Islands, and it was mostly hassle free. The highways were still regularly in use by the military, which meant they were typically free of infected. Sora walked down the center line, avoiding any cars that had pushed to the side that might still have infected in them, and Riku followed him.

The turnoff for Destiny Islands was easily missed and always had been, even before the apocalypse. Riku knew it like the back of his hand, though. The familiar landmarks that signaled to him that he needed to move over one lane: the two-dollar movie theater that only played films set on the beach, the gas station that was painted with bright orange flowers, the faded billboard that read _Hang left for fun!_ There was just one road off the highway, which Riku had driven down hundreds of times, because there was nothing to do in Destiny Islands and he and Sora and Kairi always wanted to go one town over, where there was a mall and restaurants and things to do.

Not that they’d been unhappy in Destiny Islands. Riku loved his home. He just hadn’t known how happy they were until they were gone.

There was one car crashed on the turnoff, driver’s side door hanging open. Riku took a careful glance inside and saw it was empty save for one dead infected, still buckled into the seatbelt, emanating spores. “Be on the lookout,” Riku said quietly. “Whoever else was in the car was probably infected.”

Sora notched an arrow to his bow. Destiny Islands hadn’t been hit by the infection badly at first; they were an isolated town. People in small towns like theirs rarely felt the need to go to the big city for anything. They still rarely locked their doors. And the outbreak had happened long past tourist season, when crowds of city kids would pile into cars and set up on the beach for a day. Save for the mayor and a few people who worked in the nearby city, Riku wasn’t sure most of the town had ever crossed the town lines at all.

He didn’t know what state that meant the town was in. He honestly assumed that most people eventually would have left for a safe zone, once the news got out. A lot of people had been talking about barricading themselves inside the homes, but eventually they’d have run out of food. Some of them, probably, had barricaded themselves in and turned, unable to get out.

Mr. Jones had worked in the city, and he’d been infected, and there was no telling who he’d infected too. Sora, Roxas, and Riku had left town fast, trying to go to Riku’s uncle in the middle of nowhere.

There was really no telling what they’d find.

There weren’t a lot of trees near the road. It was both good and bad; Riku could see for miles, but so could everything else. They were all walking quickly, but as quietly as they could, avoiding glass on the ground.

They should feel better when returning home. Riku hadn’t even let himself think about this, not really, because he didn’t personally think there was any use of thinking about the after. After the apocalypse didn’t help anyone. If you weren’t focusing on surviving to the next day, chances were good that you wouldn’t. What good would remembering what used to be do? What good what thinking about the future do either?

“Maybe we should camp out here,” Sora suggested, cutting a glance at Riku. It was barely five in the evening, but Riku didn’t want to take the time to emotionally prepare himself. He wanted to be there now. “Explore the town tomorrow?”

“No,” Riku said, surprising himself. Emotion winning out over logic.  ”Let’s keep going.”

“Riku-”

“I’m fine,” Riku insisted. “The town is right there.”

Sora looked at him, eyes narrowed. He knew it was a lie too; Riku had known as he was saying it that Sora wouldn’t believe it. Riku was the only one who could gain something here. Sora’s parents hadn’t even survived the outbreak. Vanitas was possibly still wondering around on the streets, but he’d been infected for years, so it wasn’t as if Sora was truly looking for a reunion. He seemed like he was planning on ignoring it the best he could.

Now, Riku - Riku didn’t know what had happened to his parents. There was still a chance, especially for his father. It was just a short walk down the access road, and Riku’s house was one of the first right off the highway.

It was still modern and still ugly. It still stuck out like a sore thumb, surrounded by much quainter beach houses painted in shades of blue and yellow. Riku had used to live across the street and three doors down from Sora in a pink two-story house where everything was faded from exposure to the sun. It wasn’t until his mother got her new job at the county hospital, instead of the little clinic near the beach, that they’d moved into this ugly house, right by the highway access road, that had no soul.

“I changed my mind,” Sora announced, startling Riku enough that he actually flinched a little bit, hand flying to his gun. “We’re coming back here tomorrow.”

“No.”

“Yes,” Sora said, steel in his voice. He never sounded like this, usually content to go along Riku’s ideas, whether they were ten and about to set off fireworks on someone’s doorstep or twenty and thinking about which town to go to next. “Riku, you’re shaking. It’s getting dark. Why don’t we - let’s find a place to sleep. We can come here in the morning.”

“Sora-”

“I don’t want you to break,” Sora whispered.

First instinct was to snap back _I won’t_ , because he wouldn’t, but his hands were trembling and the sunset was reflected in Sora’s eyes, making him unknowable. Riku put one of his shaking hands on Sora’s cheek, and Sora leaned into it, displacing the sunset orange so it was him, again, all blue. “I - okay.”

“We can - maybe go up to the lighthouse and see if we can sleep up top,” Sora offered. It seemed as good an idea as any. “Probably safe, yeah?”

Riku nodded. “Lead on.”

Sora pulled him along, past his house, down the corner, never wavering. It had been years but he knew all the twists and turns to get them to the lighthouse, which stood a little outside town on a bit of a cliff.

Riku was looking down so he actually ran into Sora when he stopped, making them both stumble. “What-” and then he saw the graves. There were easily several dozen, all marked with driftwood headstones. Riku curled his fingers on Sora’s shoulder, letting him take a bit of the weight. “Someone - made graves?”

“That’s really nice.” Sora bent his head to look at one. Riku agreed. It felt right that everyone should get the proper respect, instead of laid out dead on the street for vultures to find. But there was never enough time for that. “These are pretty recent too… I wonder who did this?”

“I did,” someone said sternly, and Riku whirled around, hands going to his holster. “Don’t even think about it!”

He froze, taking her in. She was wearing a heavy jacket and a scarf over her mouth, thin steady fingers holding a shotgun. Her hood was up to protect from the rain that was threatening to fall. A threat. Undoubtedly a threat. But just one person, alone, as far as Riku could see. Short, very short, thin, Riku could take her without the gun. He was quick, he could get his hands to his holster maybe before she shot him, she might have someone with a sightline, but he might have to just take that chance-

“Oh no,” Sora said, hands going up. Always so easy for him. He was going to try talking his way out this first. “Oh, no, I’m so sorry, we’re not looking for trouble. We used to live here, that’s all!”

The stranger cocked her head at him, eyes narrowed. Maybe deciding whether or not she was going to believe him. It was a small town and if she was burying people it was probably _her_ town. This was where she lived and she didn’t like intruders.

Yeah, Riku figured he was going to get shot.

Then the stranger said “Sora?”

Sora blinked. “Yeah?”

She took one hand off the shotgun and pulled off her hood, revealing short red hair and a familiar face, already grinning. Riku’s knees buckled. He stopped thinking about the gun in his holster.

“You’re _alive_ ,” Sora cried, and then he was rushing at her, never mind the weapon. “Kairi!”

She dropped the shotgun to the ground, throwing her arms around his neck. “Sora, I missed you so much,” she cried.

Riku sank to the ground, hands pressing into the dirt, trying to ground himself. She was alive. He hadn’t thought she’d ever be here, taller and thinner than he remembered her, but she was here, where she belonged, with them. Something unexpected but welcome, a lost item returned.

She dropped to her knees beside him, wrapping her arms around his neck too. She was crying as she smoothed Riku’s face out of his hair, checking him for injuries, checking to see if he was still the same boy she’d known four years ago. Riku was doing the same, cataloguing the new thin white scar across her nose, the split in her lip, the way her hair was so short it stuck out like Sora’s now, but they were both alive.

Sora pulled the both of them up, tear tracks still obvious on his face. Kairi had the same ones, Riku was sure he did too. Sora pressed Kairi’s shotgun into her hand, gentle, like prayer. “Kairi, what are you _doing_ here?”

“I’ve been here almost a year,” she told him, curling her scarred hands around his. “Come on, we can go to my house.”

They all knew the way, of course, but they both let Kairi take the lead. This was more her town than theirs, now.

She unlocked the door with her key, pushing it open with ease. Everything familiar, just as it was when Riku and Sora had burst in four years ago, checking to see if Kairi was okay because she wasn’t answering the messages.

The rice was still spilled all over the counter, but the house was mostly untouched besides that. Same blankets thrown all over the couches, enough for all of them because Kairi’s dad always cranked the air conditioner up so high it left them shivering. Aside from the dust, it could look like any day they were piling into her kitchen after a game, hungry and elbowing each other and stealing food from each other’s plates.

And, of course, it was humid inside, the climate control gone.

The loft was small and filled with blankets and a few flashlights. The ladder was broken to hell, which meant they’d had to do a complicated maneuver where they’d hoisted Riku up, then he helped pull up Kairi, and Sora as the most agile had to do a running jump to get hauled up, hands clasping into Riku’s and Kairi’s on the first try.

The pure difficulty of getting up to the loft made Riku feel very safe. It wasn’t until they were settled that Sora dared to ask where Kairi had been.

“Dad and I were in a safe zone until a while ago,” Kairi said, swinging her feet off the edge of the loft. She had a huge scar running up her bicep, once she took her rain-soaked jacket off, but she looked a lot more like herself in just her Destiny Islands High volleyball shirt. It looked clean; she must have scrounged it up from her closet. “They were trying to get all government officials out quick - I can’t believe they thought he was important enough, Destiny Islands was like, 20,000 people, but the zone went totally under last year. I figured I’d come see what was down here.”

She didn’t mention what had happened her father, so Riku didn’t ask. “And you stayed?”

Kairi nodded, leaning back on her hands look up at the ceiling. “On the island, usually.” Her eyes tracked the posters taped to the walls, and drawings that they’d done as children. A few of those Riku and Sora had made for her, when she’d first come to town, shy and waving at them behind her dad’s knees on the beach. “It has fresh water and fish. No infected.”

“Wow.” Sora kicked his feet around in the air too, matching his kicks with Kairi’s. He’d stolen some socks from Kairi’s dresser, black with little pumpkins. “Wow, Riku, we super aren’t that smart, huh.”

“Speak for yourself,” Riku said, reaching around Kairi to poke at Sora. “I was totally gonna think of that.”

Kairi giggled, her hands finding both of theirs. “I really missed you guys,” she said softly. If Riku looked closely, he could see the discoloration on her front tooth, which was fake. She’d been trying to learn how to skateboard from Roxas and the thing had popped up and hit her right in the mouth. When she’d opened it to speak, she’d dripped blood everywhere and Roxas had promptly freaked out, going running into the house to yell at his mom. Sora had offered Kairi a napkin from his pocket, though he couldn’t confirm how clean it was, but she’d taken it anyways because it really was a lot of blood. “It was really lonely here.” She gave Riku a bright grin. “I’m glad you had each other, though!”

Riku could feel his face heat up. “Yeah, well.”

Sora snickered. “Riku, I don’t know what you’re embarrassed about,” he said. “We’re literally still dating.”

Now Riku’s face was on fire. “Sora!”

Kairi snorted. “You haven’t changed at all, either of you.” She elbowed Riku in the side. “I know you’re blushing even without the lights, Riku!”

Riku ducked his head down, staring at the floor far beneath his feet, at the way the moonlight turned this room alien as well. He’d taken his boots off, even, he was so comfortable. He had changed, she just didn’t know it yet. But from the way she was smiling at him, she must know that, too. Maybe she didn’t care.

Riku pressed a hand to his eyes, grateful that she turned away from him to talk to Sora. Of course she’d still know him inside and out. Didn’t Sora? She was no stranger herself to this world. She probably knew everything without even asking, and she didn’t care what dark secrets she might find buried beneath his skin. He didn’t care about hers.

“We’re looking for Roxas,” Sora was telling Kairi, completely blind to Riku’s minor crisis. Or maybe he didn’t want to bring it up. Riku could never tell with Sora. “I was hoping he’d be here.”

“I haven’t seen him.” Kairi frowned, face carefully blank. So she’d learned the lesson about keeping your pain divorced from your heart too, so it wouldn’t overwhelm her. “How long has he been missing?”

“A couple of months,” Sora told her and she winced sympathetically. Roxas was practically all of their little brother. Kairi had taught him how to surf, though he taken to skateboarding instead. “We were in the safe zone for a while, but I kept sneaking out, and he kept getting mad at me, and - well, we’re good at fighting.”

“That’s not true,” Kairi replied automatically, because it hadn’t used to be. Fights had never held any water with them before now.

“We are now,” Sora said, leaning against her so that their feet were swinging together again. “So I want to try and find him. It’s my fault he left, anyways.” He sighed. “I guess we’ll see if he’s okay tomorrow, huh.”

He set his chin on his knee, staring down at the floorboards far below them, lost in his own world.

Kairi glanced at Riku, who shrugged. “A lot’s happened, Kairi,” he said softly, leaning against her too so she was squeezed in between them like a Kairi sandwich. He’d missed her so much. The way she grinned at him when they were both teasing Sora, the way she’d could make Riku laugh.

“Yeah, I almost died,” Sora agreed, because he didn’t know how to be subtle. Riku cast his eyes to the ceiling. “Like for real. I got bit.”

Kairi blinked. “But you have all your limbs.” She held up Sora’s hand as if she’d miscounted somehow.

Sora frowned. “Yeah, what?”

“Some people in my last zone were talking about stopping the infection if you caught it quick enough,” Kairi said. Riku made a face. “Like cutting off a hand. But you have your hand.”

“Yeah, I do,” Sora said, and then he was pulling his feet up and facing her, placing her hand at the crook of his neck so she could feel the scar. They’d stopped bandaging it a few days ago, the scab turning to raised skin, but Riku was still grateful it was mostly hidden under Sora’s shirt.

She gasped, running her fingers over the ridges. “How - how -”

Sora shook his head. “I dunno.” Truly, they had no idea, and Riku wasn’t sure they ever would. “Just happened.”

“I don’t want to look,” Kairi mumbled, pulling her hand away. Riku wrapped his arm around her shoulders and she turned to hug him, burying her face in his chest. “I hate it.” Sora put a hand on her back, soft. “Riku, do you hate it too?”

“Yeah,” Riku said, catching Sora’s eyes over Kairi’s head. Sora gave him a sad smile, like he understood. But Sora had always been a survivor. In fact, he was someone who thrived in the face of a challenge. “It was too close.”

He wouldn’t pretend he didn’t have nightmares. Sora wouldn’t either, both of them in one sleeping bag in the abandoned house until one of them flailed away. Usually Sora – Riku tended to wake up, gasping for air, unable to hear Sora’s breathing over his panting, unable to tell if Sora was truly alive.

Sora didn’t really say much about his nightmares, but he didn’t need to. Riku was pretty sure he was reliving the infection setting in. He’d wake up, hot and feverish, reliving those hours and delusions, the ones where they’d both thought in the morning he’d be gone. On those nights, he was too hot for Riku to hold him close and soothe him. He’d roll away, muscles twitching, trailing just his hand behind so that he could still be touching Riku. Riku would have to be content with Sora’s hand on his arm or chest or pressed against his neck, and Riku would stare up at the ceiling he couldn’t see through the night and talk to him like a wounded animal until he came back.

So no, Riku didn’t like looking at it, not yet. One day, maybe, it would just be part of Sora, something he conquered instead of something that haunted them. But not yet.  

“It was too close,” Kairi said quietly, her nose pressing into Riku’s chest almost painfully. “Sora, you got bit! How did that even _happen_?”

Sora made a face. “It just happened,” he said helplessly, looking at his hands.

Riku was silent a moment. “We just made a mistake,” he admitted eventually. “Had to happen some time.” He didn’t want to go into everything with Roxas, not when bitterness would certainly show through in his voice. Kairi’s arms tightened around his waist. She knew there was more that he wasn’t telling.

She let it go, though, tilting her head to whisper in his ear. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he whispered back, because god, was he. How could he not be, when this had happened? When the outcome was this? “I mean, I wasn’t, but - Kairi, this is a miracle.”

“It would happen to Sora,” Kairi agreed, rolling over a little bit so that she could kick at Sora with her spare foot.

“You’re _so_ gross,” Sora told her, scooting away, and then the tension broke just like that, a stone rippling the water.

That didn’t stop them from falling asleep in a blanket fort, Kairi tucked between them.

\-----

No matter the year, there were bonfires and kegs on the beach every weekend in the summer. Kairi and Sora had been coming to them since Sora and Kairi were sophomores, even though sophomores usually didn’t get told about where these sorts of things were. Riku was a junior and ostensibly should have known, but didn’t really have a lot of friends, even on his track team. No, it had been Sora who’d endeared himself so much to the seniors on his lacrosse that he’d gotten an early invite.

Having gone to this keg party on the beach for over a full year now, Riku didn’t feel particularly bad about late to this one, even though Kairi had texted him a dozen times asking where he was with various misspellings.

He’d been arguing with his mom about college, but he didn’t feel like texting about that, so he just walked over, no explanation.

Kairi and Sora were sitting on the edge of the water, waves tickling their feet, both definitely a little drunk. Kairi spotted him first, waving so much she almost elbowed Sora in the face. He narrowly ducked out of the way in time. “Hi!”

Riku grinned, settling down on the beach beside her. He pulled his shoes off, letting the waves cool him down too, him and his temper. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Sora echoed, passing his plastic cup over to Riku. “You gotta catch up.”

Riku looked down at the beer. “I’m okay tonight.”

Kairi gasped. “Oh, frowny face!” She tipped herself sideways so that she was sprawled all over him, kicking up sand. Sora yelped in protest when it got in his beer but she only kicked more at him until all three of them were coated and Riku couldn’t help the laugh that was bubbling out of him, easing the tension.

“I was gonna drink that,” Sora said mournfully.

“Riku has a frowny face, Sora, it’s not the time for beer!”

“You can say that because you’ve had way more than me,” Sora grumbled, but he crawled over when she beckoned, throwing his arm around Riku’s shoulders. “Okay. I’m here. I’m ready. I’m sober.”

“You’re definitely not,” Riku told him, and Sora grinned.

“You can tell us again in the morning,” he replied. “You only have us pretending to be sober for, like, ten minutes, probably, until Kairi forgets that she has to pretend.”

“Hey!”

“It’s go time,” Sora said seriously, as seriously as he could when his mouth was threatening to smile. “Goooooo!”

“It’s nothing,” Riku denied, and both Kairi and Sora promptly booed him. He loved them impossibly. “Fine! Fine, you maniacs, my mom was yelling at me about college, okay?”

Kairi blinked up at him. “It’s - “ she squinted. “It’s July. You have like. A whole year before college.” She looked proud of herself for doing that math.

“She wants me to go on college tours.” A lot of them, before summer practices started up. The way she was talking, it seemed like he’d spend the rest of summer looking at colleges and summer had barely even started. “Bunch of places I’ll probably never get in.”

“And where you don’t wanna go,” Sora added, like Riku might have forgotten. “Gonna learn the _law_ , Riku? Gonna be a rule-following lawyer?”

Riku snorted. “Guess so,” he mumbled. There wasn’t really another option for him - his mother wanted law school, so he’d go to law school. Sora and Kairi both knew that.

Sora scrunched up his nose, wiggling around so that he was draped all over Riku too. “Why don’t you apply to places that have really good pre-law programs and then just like, change your major?”

Riku blinked. “Could I do that?”

“Well, I think your mom might get pretty mad, but yeah, technically, probably,” Sora said. He grinned up at Riku, matching the moon for brightness. Riku dipped his head to kiss him and Sora rose to meet him, the taste of beer familiar. Sora pulled back just a bit, smiling like he about to whisper the secrets of the universe to Riku and Riku alone. The smile grew. “Kairi fell asleep.”

Riku groaned as Sora laughed. “Shit.”

It meant they had to take turns carrying Kairi back home, taking the sandy road through the beach grass and around the edge of town, which took infinitely longer, especially with Kairi snoring in his ear, but it meant that Sora had time to sober up, too. By the time they were at Riku’s empty house, Riku dumping Kairi onto the futon, Sora was mostly able to focus again, focusing on making himself a snack.

Riku was pretty sure he fell asleep before Sora was done with his grilled cheese or whatever, just listening to Kairi breathe. It was always like that, easy to sleep with them around.

\-----

Sora was missing from the blanket fort when he woke up, but Riku could hear him moving around outside. He carefully extricated himself from Kairi’s grip and crawled out. He hadn’t slept this well in a long, long time.

Sora brightened when Riku stuck his head out of the blanket. “Hey, sleepyhead,” he teased. He had a soft pink blanket wrapped around his shoulders to combat the morning chill, legs hanging off the side of the loft. He also had a coffee mug in his hand.

Riku mumbled something and reached out for a sip of whatever Sora had. “How’d you heat up real coffee?” It was probably the most delicious hot coffee he’d ever had, though he tended to think everything Sora made was the best thing ever.

“It’s a secret,” Sora said cheerfully. He wrapped his corner of the blanket around Riku, who relaxed against him. “Tastes good though, right?”

Riku took another sip. “It’s great,” he said hoarsely. He could pretend, sipping that coffee, that nothing happened. In the morning light, Kairi’s home was dusty and unkempt, but totally untouched. No blood, no bodies. Just dirt. Like it was just a sleepover. “It’s nice to be home.”

“Nothing is ever as good as this coffee,” Sora agreed. He groaned. “It _is_ nice to be home.”

Riku smiled. They’d spent so much time as kids filled with wanderlust, waiting for the next stage in getting farther away, whether that was biking to the next town over or finally getting their licenses or going to college.

They’d wanted to sail away on a raft, the three of them, and they’d even done it, it getting thirty feet offshore before the raft collapsed counted. They’d all had hunger in their eyes, sights set on the horizon. But they’d always expected home to be ready and waiting for them on their return, and when they’d finally left, it hadn’t waited. Not the way they thought it would.

But the morning chill was the same. Kairi was the same. Maybe more of the town was the same too. “Yeah, it’s not bad.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't realize at the time i was dividing this up into chapters that like nothing happens in this one . rip


	6. Chapter 6

They backtracked to Riku’s house first, because Riku had pushed for it, saying he was ready now. He didn’t know if he was, but he stepped up the front walk anyway. His mother used to have a lawn service come every Thursday but the grass was long and wild now. Riku liked that better.

Technically, Riku didn’t need to use the key. The window from the side yard was probably still smashed; they could go around through the gate. But he stuck the key in the lock anyway. He’d carried this damn house key for three and a half years, just in case, and he hated this house and he hadn’t been home since -

 “Riku?” Sora said from behind him.

“I can’t,” he whispered. His body ignored him; he couldn’t even move his traitorous hand. He squeezed his eyes shut, hand frozen on the doorknob. House unlocked, but he couldn’t step in. “Mr. Jones -”

Kairi had no idea what Riku meant but Sora did. Sora always did. Riku felt his touch, feather light, on his shoulder, just enough to remind that he wasn’t alone, then Sora was right next to him, arm to arm. He carefully took Riku’s hand off the doorknob and turned the handle himself, the soft click seeming to echo. “I’m going to check,” he said softly. “Okay?”

Riku could only nod.

Then Sora’s hand was gone and he was moving stealthily through the house. Riku concentrated on his footsteps, which paused. Riku tensed. Then-

“He’s not here.”

“But I killed him!” Riku took four quick strides over to Sora, nearly colliding with him. For a second they did a silly little dance, trying to stay upright and not knock into each other, before Sora grabbed Riku’s arms and forcibly stabilized them both. The kitchen floor was stained rust-colored from dried blood but Mr. Jones was gone.

“I guess not.” Sora squeezed Riku’s hand. “We were kind of freaked, Riku. Maybe we didn’t kill him properly.”

“Ha-ha,” Riku said crossly. His heart was going faster than it should, pounding against his chest. He took a slow swivel around the kitchen. Besides Mr. Jones, everything looked the same as when he’d left. “Kairi, did you-”

She shook her head, already knowing his question. “There wasn’t anyone in here when I came in last year.”

So maybe Mr. Jones had walked off. Maybe his husband had come to find him, daughter on his hip, and found a murder scene instead. But the house was empty.

Sora leaned down and picked up some mail that had come through the slot, sorting through them; Kairi wandered off towards the bathroom.

Riku stood in the middle of the kitchen.

He’d hoped to find some clue that his parents were still alive. Anything. But no one had even come for the food in the cabinets, or the throw blanket on the end of the couch, or Riku’s extra pair of shoes tucked near the front door. Sora’s homework from the night they’d left was still spread across the coffee table, the empty popcorn bowl was still sitting out and frankly, disgusting.

There was nothing. Nothing was out of place.

There wasn’t a note. Nothing at all.

Except-

“There’s something in the backyard,” Kairi said, hand going to her rifle. “Infected, I think. It’s shuffling.”

They hadn’t seen too many infected on the road here. A few, but from a distance while they were still alive before Sora had taken them out with a few well-placed headshots. They were pretty careful to walk on the highways the military used, because those were pretty well cleared out. They’d had one run in where Sora had walked too close to a car and let out a yell when a hand reached out for him through the broken window, lightning quick. He’d slammed his knife into it, but it wouldn’t have mattered; the thing never figured out how to unbuckle its seatbelt.

“Looks like it can’t see well.” Sora peered out the window carefully. “Fungi.” He took a few steps around the counter and aimed through the broken window at its fungi-riddled head. It didn’t look like Mr. Jones. It didn’t look like anyone anymore.

Sora let the arrow loose. It hit its target dead on, right through the eye, and the thing fell backwards, arrow hopefully intact. It did happen to fall, however, through part of the rotting porch, which made a huge cracking sound then splintered, wood showering everywhere.

“Fuck,” Sora said faintly.

At least four more infected filtered by the window, running and screaming. It only took a second for them to notice everyone inside and their screams would probably attract more.

They crashed through the windows. That at least tripped up one infected, but the rest stampeded him.

It was hard to see, for a minute. The scent of decaying flesh assaulted Riku and he forced himself not to gag as he rammed one of them into the wall and shot them in the head. They sagged and reached out for him but he was already moving on to the next infected, a woman limping towards him. She didn’t get within five feet before he ended her too.

“Fuck! You! To! Hell!” Kairi panted, punctuating every word with a stab. The infected rolled off her and she sprang up, immediately, already at Riku’s back. Sora was slamming the fungied head of an infected into the kitchen counter and then Kairi was moving, Riku couldn’t see where she was at all and -

Something slammed into him, taking him down. He jabbed up with his knife blindly and heard a howl of pain as he scrambled away. The injured infected screamed at him, mouth wide. His whole jaw was covered in dried blood, so he must have eaten someone, even if he hadn’t gotten a chance to eat Riku. Riku shot him in the mouth. The body swayed and then its weight fell onto Riku, pressing him against the floor.

He pushed it off, finally allowing himself to gag.

“Ew,” Kairi commented, and Riku realized how silent the whole house was.

He pushed himself off the ground and counted eight infected littered all around the first floor; a few had clearly been shot before even making it inside. To think he’d been so worried about Mr. Jones when he’d done this in his own house without even thinking about it. What kind of monster did that?

“Everyone okay?” Sora asked, when Riku didn’t. Kairi murmured yes. “Riku? You okay?”

“Fine,” Riku mumbled. He didn’t know. He wiped at his mouth, which felt wet and bloody and disgusting. His nose was bleeding, he realized.

“Come here,” Sora said sharply, and Riku found himself tugged along by the elbow and pushed onto the couch. “Riku. Are you okay?” Sora pulled off his backpack and his jacket and ran hands over his shoulders, his neck, his jaw, his arms. His ankles, even. Riku tried to focus, but everything was just a little fuzzy. “Did anything get in your mouth? Your eyes?”

Riku shook his head. “I don’t think so.” His voice was hoarse. He kept his mouth damn well shut in any fight, and the infected that had collapsed on him had smeared blood and saliva all over his jaw and cheek but nothing else.

Sora wet a napkin from the kitchen with his water bottle and cleaned up Riku’s face, from tears and infected blood. Riku thought about crying but he just stared at a point just above Sora’s left ear instead.

“You’re okay,” Sora said when he was done, relief so clear in his voice, and Riku was sorry to put that fear there, he was, but he couldn’t help it at the moment, he couldn’t help anything. Sora tilted his chin up so he could look Riku in the eyes. “You’re okay,” he repeated, pressing a soft, desperate kiss to Riku’s mouth, despite the no-kissing rules. Maybe he figured one would hurt. Maybe he needed one.

And that was familiar, because they’d shared so many _thank god we made it_ kisses over the years, and this was their hometown, and Riku had killed those people in his hometown and his parents were probably dead and he couldn’t hold on to hope with nothing to back it up.

“It’s gonna be okay,” Sora murmured, pressing a kiss to Riku’s forehead. He rocked them back and forth as Riku broke down, trying to be as quiet as possible.

He didn’t know how long Sora held him. It was getting dark by the time he was done, and no one had said anything about it. If Riku hadn’t been the one crying he would have, but he _had_ been the one crying.

Sora shifted him off his shoulder a little bit as Riku stirred. “Feel better?”

Riku swallowed. “Yeah.” His eyes felt puffy from crying, his voice was barely more than a rasp, and he had a headache but he did feel better.

“You want to get going?” Sora asked softly, his fingers warm on Riku’s neck as he fiddled with the collar of Riku’s shirt. “Or do you want to check out upstairs for anything?”

Riku considered. “Can you do it?” He mumbled the words more to Sora’s collarbone than Sora himself, but he felt Sora nod. Sora shifted Riku again, hands going around his waist, and then Kairi took his place, wrapped her arms around Riku too.

“Sorry,” she whispered to him, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “I didn’t know.”

“I didn’t tell you,” Riku mumbled. He could hear Sora thumping around upstairs, loud so that anything hiding would come out. Even though they’d had a firefight right here in the kitchen, Sora wasn’t going to take chances. Apparently, nothing did, because he settled down.

“Still.” Kairi offered Riku a tissue, which he took and stared at it, because it was such an absurdity. How long had it been since he’d had tissues?

“Thanks.” Riku blew his nose. “We should go soon. The second Sora is done.”

“We can go back to mine,” Kairi said, squinting as she stared at nothing, which she always did when she was thinking.

“Fine,” Riku nodded. “Good.” He forced himself to sit up and take control of himself. His hands were bloody, and he’d gotten blood on Kairi’s shirt, and the couch. There was a kind of delight in that; even if it was blood, he’d always hated this stupid white couch.

“Okay!” Sora bounded down the stairs with his hands full. He had his hands full. “Got you shoes and a jacket. And other stuff. We can come back tomorrow, though.”

“I don’t want to.” Riku accepted the hiking boots and shoved them into the top of his pack. Sora narrowed his eyes at him but let it go, reaching out a hand to Kairi and hoisting her up. His pack looked very full and heavy.

It wasn’t until they were at Kairi’s, settled into the loft, that Riku found out why.

Her house hadn’t been a far walk from Riku’s - nothing in Destiny Islands was a far walk - but it was longer than Riku would have liked at dusk, and he’d had to stop and clean his hands in a few puddles. Still, they’d waited for him, and they’d made it back.

“Here.” Sora rooted around in his bag. Their heads were bowed towards each other in the makeshift tent. Kairi was in one she’d put up herself, giving them a little privacy, and Riku was glad for it after his breakdown. The only one who could see him now was Sora, who’d seen him through everything else. “I got this at your house.”

He pulled out the family photo album. It had been updated diligently until Riku was fourteen or so, at which point his mother had gotten her new job and things had gone bad. Riku reached out and gripped its leather cover. “This is too heavy to carry.” He never wanted to let it go.

“You can pick out the important stuff,” Sora reassured him. He folded himself against Riku’s side, and then reached over and opened the book, squinting to see the photos with their weak flashlight.

The first several pages were pictures of Riku’s parents. There was a few of them at an amusement park with some friends, and a strip from a photo booth, and a photo of them leaning together on their first anniversary. Their engagement photos and wedding photos, Riku’s mother in an ugly dress and smiling so wide it was impossible to believe that marriage would ever have problems, all carefully laid out and cherished.

“Keep this one,” Sora mumbled, pointing at a picture of baby Riku, barely a few days old. He had on little blue baby mittens and a knit blanket with orange pom poms. He was completely bald, too.

“My head looks mushy,” Riku protested, because all day-old babies had mushy purple heads. Sora giggled.

Sora himself started appearing in pictures nine pages in, when Riku was about three. They were constantly shuffled between each other’s houses for babysitting. In the first few pictures, Riku kept squinting at him like he didn’t trust this new person at all; in all the rest, Riku looked at Sora like there was nothing more important. His mom had always told him he’d imprinted on Sora almost immediately, and they’d been near inseparable since. His mom always added with a laugh that it made her life so easy, since she could just send Riku over to Sora’s every time she needed a break. Toddler Riku had known, without a doubt, that Sora was going to be the most important thing in his life.

Sora, the Sora in the real day, right now, yawned. “You should at least keep some.” He wiggled down into their sleeping bag. He’d be asleep in just a few minutes, no matter if the flashlight was on. “Chose really good ones.”

Riku didn’t want to choose without Sora; he wanted Sora to laugh with him at their stupid childhood pictures. “I’ll do it later,” he said, closing the book. “Or you’ll just whine about how the light is still on.”

Sora aimed a kick at him even as he was laughing. “I would not!” He protested. “It’s your snoring that keeps me up!”

“Hey!” Riku rolled on top of Sora out of self-defense, so he’d stop kicking and flailing. “I don’t snore!”

“Like a chainsaw,” Sora informed him and then he hauled Riku in to press a kiss to the side of his mouth, still laughing, his hands tangling up Riku’s hair.

There had never been a lot of time for kissing on the road. They always had to be aware, there was no time to laugh or lose themselves in each other. Not like this, when they were probably as safe as they were ever going to be for who knows how long. But Sora wouldn’t break his rules now, even though he had just an hour ago out of sheer relief, but even when he was laughing, he still wouldn’t give Riku a direct kiss.

“We could stay here a little bit,” Riku found himself saying, lifting himself up on his elbows so he could see Sora’s face, his smile. He hadn’t even wanted to come here, but he was born by the water and the sand and it wasn’t surprising how happy he was to be home, even after everything. It wasn’t so strange, was it? After all those years wanting to be away, eventually wouldn’t he want to come home?

Sora shifted under him, getting comfortable. They probably hadn’t been this comfortable in years, even in the quarantine zone, where the mattresses and sheets were stained. “I’d kill to surf again,” he admitted, poking Riku in the stomach. “Remember surfing? Do you think we’re still good?”

“Well, I am,” Riku said, which made Sora poke him harder until he was laughing. “I dunno about you though.”

Sora snorted. “Get real,” he challenged. “I was way better than you.”

Riku pretended to consider. “No, I don’t think I remember that.”

Sora elbowed him again and Riku’s arm buckled. He collapsed onto Sora, who was still giggling. Sora wriggled one arm free and reached out to turn off the flashlight, plunging them into darkness save for the soft weak light of Kairi’s flashlight from the other tent.

Eventually Sora’s giggles subsided. Riku was still sprawled all over him. “We could stay. But - “

“You want to find Roxas and Ventus.” He knew, had known it the second he allowed him to say it. He traced a careful finger around the pockmarked scab that was Sora’s bite mark. It already didn’t look like a bite mark anymore, just a scar. All true evidence was gone.

“I’m really sorry.” Sora’s hand wrapped around Riku’s in the dark, pulling it away from his scar. “How about – we can stay a few days?”

Riku kissed his cheek, once, twice, so that Sora would know he was okay. It was just a dream, that’s all, and Riku knew it was unrealistic. They were both exhausted. He didn’t want to have this conversation tonight. He just liked how comfortable home made him feel.

He rolled over onto his back. “Do you remember when we were three?”

Sora yawned. “Gonna need you to be a little clearer.”

Riku smiled as he felt Sora’s arm fall into its customary spot over Riku’s chest. “We met when we were three. You pulled my hair.”

This was the closest he could get to explaining it. That being three and being together, not a care in the world, that was what being home in Destiny Islands felt like.

Sora laughed, just a little bit. “No, I don’t remember that.” He shifted a little bit so that his legs were tangled up with Riku’s. “Just seems like I’ve always known you.”

“Yeah, well,” Riku mumbled. “I was almost four, so of course I remember.”

“Jerk,” Sora yawned, and then Riku was asleep.

\-----

In the morning, Riku woke up and immediately regretted saying anything about staying in Destiny Islands. It was golden and warm in the tent, Sora outside as per usual. He grinned when Riku appeared, dropping his head onto Sora’s shoulder. He could tell by the light that he’d slept a lot later than he thought.

Crying took a lot out of him.

Almost as if he could tell what Riku was thinking, Sora wrapped his arm around Riku’s waist, pulling him in. “Hey,” he whispered, kissing Riku’s cheek. “You feeling better?”

“Yeah,” Riku said honestly, ducking his head. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be stupid.” Sora leaned his forehead against Riku’s shoulder. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

No, Riku supposed. Of course not. Sora offered him part of a snack bar and let Riku lean on him for a few minutes. Riku was nearly done with it when Sora said, “So I was just thinking about what we could climb.” Riku tilted his head, not sure where this was going. “So we can see the whole town now that it’s light, you know? I was thinking the water tower but-”

“No way,” Riku refused immediately. “You know I’m scared of heights! Remember when you made me climb it?”

“In my defense, I did not know you were scared at the time,” Sora said solemnly. “What I remember is that you were trying to impress me.”

Riku could feel his face burning. “Sora!” It was true, though. Sora was always so devil-may-care, especially about this, so Riku had decided he’d climb it too. He’d gotten maybe a fourth of the way up, and had frozen, unable to move his hands from the metal rung. Sora had had to climb around him on the ladder and help him down, rung by rung, and then spent almost an hour sitting next to him while Riku cried. After that, Riku had made Sora swear to never climb up the damn thing again.

“Anyways,” Sora said loudly, leaning on Riku’s shoulder. “Maybe we can start with the general store, see what’s left, then go to the water tower where I will definitely climb up with a safety harness that I’m gonna steal.”

“I don’t think we need to.” Riku had been selfish last night. In the light of day, after a long night’s sleep, he didn’t need to stay. “If there’s something at your house, we don’t need to stay.”

Sora blinked at him, probably confused because of all the things Riku had said last night. “But-”

“I’m okay,” Riku told him. “We’ll be okay.”

\-----

They didn’t bother to pack up their stuff and take it with him this time; they hadn’t seen a single soul and it seems very unlikely that anyone could get up to the loft without the ladder. Instead they went with empty backpacks, so they could scavenge everything they need.

They passed by the general store, which looked completely looted. They passed the lighthouse and the graves. Sora took a second to find his parents.

“Thank you for burying them.” Sora’s fingers traced the names of his mother and father, together in one grave. The headstone was a simple piece of driftwood, their names carved.

Kairi nodded. “Of course.” She reached out for Sora’s shoulder.

It was everything. It meant that Sora wouldn’t have to see their dead bodies, lain out on the floor at least. In fact, Sora’s front door was closed, when Riku knew it had been open when they ran away. Sora’s father had been in the doorway.

Unlike Riku’s house, Sora’s was a true beach house, small and painted a faded yellow. It was technically a few blocks from the beach, because the house was on the edge of a little cliff, the whole porch was built over the bluff. There was a little trail that went around the side of the house, and Riku always felt like a mountain goat carefully picking his way down it, around the side of the cliff, and to the little rocky beach on the other side. Underneath the house there was just water.

Sora’s mother worked as a surf instructor; his dad taught elementary school. They were cheerful all the time, much like Sora, and their entire house was always coated with a thin layer of sand, which never seemed to bother anyone. It looked a little depressing, now; the doorframe was slightly leaning to the left and the windows were completely coated with sand. Sora cleaned off a little circle and peered in. “Don’t see anything.” He looked back at Riku and Kairi warily. “This is the only door, too.”

None of the other windows were really big enough for a whole person to fit through.

“Let’s go,” Kairi mumbled, and Sora unlocked the door. It stuck a bit, from the rough seaside weather wearing it down. Riku took a moment to run his hand over the window of the front door, so there’d be a little bit of light inside even when they were unwilling to leave the door open.

There was dried blood on the floor. Riku swallowed.

Sora had disappeared into the room on the left, past the kitchen, so Riku couldn’t see his face. Sora and Roxas had shared that room their whole life. It had used to belong to Ven and Vanitas, but they’d moved up to the attic once Roxas was born, into a small room with a slanted ceiling that barely could be called a room, but they seemed to love it. Ven had complained the first time he’d come home for the summer and realized his parents had put boxes back up into it. It was always close quarters in their house, which Riku loved, since his house was so empty all the time.

Sora’s bed was on the right, still unmade, same Spiderman comforter Sora had had all his life, because he didn’t care if people thought he was childish. His laptop sat on the desk still, stickers faded. Roxas’s skateboard was tucked under his bed. There was an open umbrella sitting in the middle of the floor, bright yellow, painting the whole room as the sun leaked through the sand on the windows to shine down on it.

“Sora?”

Sora was standing in the middle of it, looking around. “It’s like I was just here.” He ran a finger through the proof that he hadn’t been - the thick dust on the dresser that stood in between the two beds. Riku was suddenly glad he hadn’t gone to see his old bedroom at all. “Just everything’s a little smaller.”

“I’m certain you haven’t grown at all,” Riku teased and Sora laughed, spinning around to leave. It made Riku feel better that he could laugh that easily, standing in his old bedroom, which he’d long since outgrown. The unmade bed, the books. Sora’s backpack and the soccer ball.

On the door frame were little pencil marks, showing how much all four brothers had grown. When Sora passed by the doorway, Riku could see that he had a good three inches on the last mark, which read “Sora 16 bday.” Then he was gone.

Riku touched the little pencil mark. He felt like crying.

He got himself under control, swallowed around the lump in his throat. Then he followed.

Kairi had ducked into Sora’s parents’ room, so Riku went to the kitchen and started opening cabinets. The fridge was a lost cause, obviously; nothing would be good in there after 4 weeks, let alone 4 years. But there were some unopened cans, a bag of rice, and some pasta.

The note was on the counter, under an empty glass. Sora put the glass in the sink absentmindedly and unfolded the note. Any note was good news, of course; Riku knew that better than ever after his empty house. But he could tell from how round Sora’s eyes got that it was really, _really_ good news.

“It’s from Ven.” He was trying not to sound too excited, after everything, when Riku’s eyes still were a little puffy from crying. But Sora had been wanting to know where Ven was for four years. His biggest hope was about to be answered. He was so happy that his hands were shaking.

“What’s it say?” Riku stepped around him, trying to read over his shoulder. All four brothers had absolutely awful handwriting and Riku could barely read a single thing any of them ever wrote. This note was about the same, especially with Sora’s trembling hands.

“He’s,” Sora said. Stopped. Squeezed his eyes close, took a breath, started again. “He’s in Wyoming. He - he and a bunch of others are working on getting a, a community started at one of the colleges. And, um-” he swallowed. “Roxas was here too.”

Now that he’d pointed it out, Riku could see two different handwritings. “Do you ever get tired of being right?”

“Never.” He sounded so smug. Somehow Sora had known Roxas would come back to Destiny Islands. It was so infuriating when it worked. He folded the note back up and sliding it into his jacket pocket, the one above his heart. “Yeah, looks like. Roxas was - he dated it two weeks ago.”

So Sora had known before Roxas had even arrived that he’d go there. “Wyoming, huh,” Riku said. “That’s not close.” He wasn’t perfect, he couldn’t even begin to guess how many days it would take to walk to Wyoming. Maybe they could get a car. “Hey - you okay?”

“Yeah, ‘course I am.” Sora brushed away his tears. “Just happy, you know?”

Of course Riku knew. They hadn’t known if either of them were alive. “Yeah,” he said, slinging his arm over Sora’s shoulder. Sora was shaking. “Yeah, I know.”

“Sorry.” He was really crying now, tears dripping down his face. “Sorry, Riku, I am.”

Riku pulled Sora in, let him cry into his chest. “You don’t have to be.”

“I feel so mean,” Sora cried, “I’m so happy but it’s not fair, about your family-”

“You’re my family too,” Riku said sharply. “You and Roxas and Ven and Kairi and Naminé are all my family. And you’re _here_.” Even if Roxas was a shithead and the entire reason they were out here and even if Riku hadn’t forgiven him yet and maybe never would.

“I know.” Sora’s voice was muffled. Riku’s shirt was probably covered in snot. “Sorry.”

Riku snorted. “I know,” he said as gently as he could. “You said that already.”

“And I’m sorry we can’t stay.”

“I don’t want to stay.”

Sora drew back to look at him, rubbing his eyes. “You did,” he accused, a tear hanging at the end of his chin. Riku reached out and brushed it away. “Last night.”

“It’s just - it’s home,” Riku said. “That’s all.” He tucked Sora’s head under his chin, wrapped his arms around him. For a second, it was all silent. Kairi must have been hiding out in the bedroom, not wanting to embarrass Sora even though she’d surely all seen him cry dozens of times.

Sora sniffled. “You’re really okay with going?”

“Yeah.”

“Tell the truth.”

Even when he was crying, Sora was too perceptive. “I miss this place,” Riku admitted. He was trying to make a habit of not lying to Sora anymore, but it was so easy to brush things off with an _I’m fine_. Sora always knew, though. But Riku was trying to tell the truth because Sora deserved the truth, not because he’d see through the lies. “It’s - mostly peaceful, I guess, and there’s fresh food. But-”

Along the way, somewhere, he’d forgotten what it was like to fall in love with how beautiful Sora made the world. Instead it became something Riku feared dirtying with grimy hands. It became something he had to protect. He was so busy making sure Sora was safe, making sure he could laugh, that he didn’t realize how much it had cost him. How much it had cost the _both_ of them.

But he loved to just exist with Sora, in the dreams that Sora turned into reality with hard work and smiles. Riku wasn’t meant to stay trapped in a zone or a small-town memory. What would staying get them but a little bit of safety? Nothing compared to leaving and living again.

“But we should get to be happy. And I’d rather be with you then here without you.”

Sora pressed a kiss to Riku’s shoulder. “You could just say I love you.”

Riku felt his face flush. He said it so rarely, and Sora had always understood that, had never pressed him. “I do love you,” he mumbled into Sora’s hair.

Sora looked up at him, delighted but not surprised. “Yeah,” he said. “I love you too.”

“I know,” Riku said stupidly, then he cleared his throat. “Kairi, you can come out now.”

She did, giggling. Sora was laughing a little bit too, scrubbing his entire snotty face with the sleeve of his jacket so that it was red and puffy. Sora accepted her hug too, taking the tissues she pulled from her pocket to clean his face.

Riku grinned at them both, feeling impossibly fond, and shoved open the front door. There was, at the end of the porch, an infected. It had a cuff on its skeletal wrist, proof that it had been locked up at one point.

This was why they couldn’t stay. Home did things to them. Made them do stupid things like walk out of houses without double-checking what was outside and made them feel good and sentimental and they weren’t supposed to be feeling good and sentimental, because it was dangerous to feel like that. To hold on to those feelings was just a bigger chance that you’d be good and dead by the end of the day.

Riku should never have let himself feel anything.

The infected turned. The infected was wearing Vanitas’s face.

It wasn’t the same shit-eating grin he’d always had when making fun of Roxas and it wasn’t the eyeroll whenever Sora gave him a hug. It had absolutely no emotions, because Vanitas had no emotions anymore, no drive except hunger.

Vanitas spotted Riku, a feral, almost delighted expression on his face at seeing his next meal. Riku unfroze, heat rushing up his neck as he shoved Kairi back inside. She yelped as he pushed it but he he was focused only on Vanitas and his hunger.

Vanitas was limping, his left foot dragging against the wood boards but that didn’t stop him too much from picking up speed. Riku scrambled with his gun – stupid, stupid, he wasn’t _thinking_ , he was caught up in thoughts about home, not his holster or his bullets. Vanitas snarled. This was how people died, and now he was going to be next unless he could get his fuckin gun out-

He drew the damn thing just as Vanitas tackled him like he’d been a football player four years ago, which Riku _knew_ he had not. His hands scraped at Riku’s throat and Riku choked for a second, unable to draw breath, before he managed to punch Vanitas in the face and scramble away, hands scraping against the deck. He felt splinters slice into his palms. Vanitas roared at him, ready for a second attack, and lunged at him again.

Riku shot him before he made it. There was a tiny thrill of victory that went through him as Vanitas fell against him, limp, dead, before he realized what he was doing. He’d killed Vanitas.

On autopilot, he’d raised his pistol and shot Vanitas in the head. Perfect headshot, he was well-trained.

He couldn’t contemplate it too long, because the porch was old and their combined weight was just too much for the neglected railing, which he felt give under his back. He saw Sora reach for him but too late, he was falling, falling, falling. His back hit something then everything was black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i forgot to mention this but vanitas's band is definitely called "SPREADING ZOMBIFICATION" which was also my group chat name for a while when i was researching the specifics of - wait for it - spreading zombification . anyways press f


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i forgot to mention this last chapter but there's definitely a scenario i couldn't make fit in where sora slaps down a piece of paper while they're drinking coffee and is like "CONGRATS RIKU U GOT INTO COLLEGE" and its just . like 2 college acceptance letters that sora found and opened while they were in riku's house and riku immediately says "sora it's ILLEGAL to open my MAIL you've RUINED the happiest day of my life-" nd then sora goes "ill make it worse, they'll never take you without having graduated high school-" and then they both just crack the fuck up

It was dark for a long time. Hazy, black, dark. Cold. Nothing but the faint sound of Sora’s voice, barely, maybe – Riku could be imagining it. Maybe Sora was saying nothing at all and he was just alone in this darkness.

But he held on.

\-----

Most road signs were still up, so it was easy, in the spring, to find their way to the college. The town wasn’t small - it had several exits on the highway, as opposed to one, but it still felt the same as Destiny Islands, full of mostly cheap movies theaters and old diners and stores that would never last in a big city. Probably this college had been their pride and joy, if the purple street signs and posters in shop windows were any indication.

Riku tried to imagine college: he’d have been by himself, Sora and Kairi both a year younger, and it would probably would have been somewhere decent. Not Harvard or Yale, nothing like that, but somewhere better than any of the small coastal colleges that most of his graduating class would have ended up at, learning practical things before they moved back home. Riku wouldn’t have minded going there at all, but Riku’s mother scoffed at this. She was only in Destiny Islands because of Riku’s father, who was a local. She wanted bigger and better things for her son, who loved his home, wanted to leave, and had no ambitions.

Looking back on it now, Riku could see that his mother’s new job and their new house was the beginning of the end. If things hadn’t fallen to pieces, Riku probably could have come home during spring break to find his parents getting a divorce.

Maybe he’d have had a good time in college - he’d been applying as a pre-law major, mostly because he didn’t really care. He, Sora, and Kairi just cared about leaving the town.

He tried to imagine Sora in college, but he couldn’t.

“Riku, this way,” Sora called, gesturing. He was standing under a tilted exit sign with the college logo painted on it.

Riku pulled his scarf a little tighter around his neck - it might be spring and the snow might be melted, but he was still cold, he was always so cold - and reached out for Sora’s hand. Sora grinned at him, delighted, and leaned over to press a kiss to his cheek.

“Come on, lovebirds,” Naminé called, rolling her eyes. Riku still had to get used to the sight of her in old jeans and a thick jacket, rifle over her shoulder, as opposed to her lab coat. He didn’t know how she’d gotten to be so good with the rifle, but if he’d learned anything over the past four years, it was not to ask people how they’d gotten good with weapons.

“Should be the next exit.” Sora looked down at the map he was holding: he’d picked it up from a gas station outside Traverse Town, as well as a pen. He was the cartographer, painstakingly detailing every step they took, every road. Every town they passed he marked off with an X. He’d planned the entire trip out, actually, from food to when they should stop in each town. He’d had it ready to go before Riku was able to walk around again without pain.

“I, uh, need to something to work on,” he said, presenting the map to Riku, who was just barely able to sit up. “I couldn’t just sit around.”

“You want to get to Roxas, huh,” Riku had asked, peering at the map, head swimming.

“Huh?” Sora looked confused. “I mean, yeah, of course, but I really just didn’t want you to have to do it all.”

It wasn’t the first time he’d said something like this, ever. He was always wanting to take care of Riku, but he’d amped it up recently without even realizing. He seemed reluctant to say exactly how much Riku’s fall had scared him.

It wasn’t that Riku was surprised, or anything, but Sora’s continued care both soothed and scared him. Even now, when Sora should be rushing, less than an hour away from seeing his brother, he was taking it slow, constantly checking for Riku.

Riku kind of didn’t like it.

He didn’t remember _much_ about falling, but he remembered the after in bits and pieces: Sora’s arm around his chest, steady despite all the years that had passed since Sora had done summers as a lifeguard. He remembered Sora saying, voice shaking, “Come on Riku, come on. Don’t leave me now, I swear I’ll kill you if you do.” He remembered wanting to say anything to reassure him but he could barely make a sound. He didn’t remember passing out, although Sora had told him did several times. He didn’t know at all how Kairi and Sora had managed to maneuver him off the beach and into one of the nearby houses, or how they’d gone and gotten their packs without Riku’s help to get them up into the loft.

He didn’t remember what had happened to Vanitas after the gun went off, a round bullet hole in his forehead.

He remembered waking up to Sora crying.

“What’s going on,” he tried to say, but he didn’t get any of the words to actually sound like words. His mouth was dry and his brain wasn’t working right, but he could see the stark relief on Sora’s face and how terrifying it was. He must have looked like that too, faced with the certainty of Sora’s death. Love in times of war, and all that.

He’d been in and out of consciousness for days. Tons of broken ribs, a mass of bruises all over his entire back where he’d hit the cliff than the water. A bone in his leg had been broken, leaving him gasping with pain. Four broken fingers on his left hand, the same one as his long-ago improperly-set wrist.

He didn’t really remember any of that, either. Sora had told him they’d trekked back to Traverse Town on his broken leg, rips still taped up, at his own insistence. It was only a two day walk and it was safe. Destiny Islands wasn’t.

Apparently, the only thing keeping Riku upright was sheer willpower, and even towards the end, Sora and his crutches had been the only thing holding him up. He’d collapsed after that. The broken ribs hadn’t killed him, but the shock and fever came close, and if it wasn’t for Sora insisting that Yuffie bring Naminé back with her a smuggling run, it truly might have. The leg she’d had to reset, and it had been horrible, especially after walking on it wrong for a few days. Riku had _definitely_ passed out for the pain of that, too, the leather of a belt clenched between his teeth as he screamed.

Riku was mostly fine now, though sometimes he felt phantom pain in his fingers that made him wonder if they healed a little wrong. It was better the fingers than his ribs, and they worked fine, mostly. Sora had a habit of pressing kisses to them as if to ease the pain, which Riku couldn’t decide if he loved or hated. He thought he’d have loved it if he didn’t feel so guilty. All those injuries summed up to the reason, of course, that it had been eight months since Sora had last seen his baby brother. By the time Riku could walk, really walk, not just hobble around while Sora and Kairi scolded him for pushing himself, the snow had long since cancelled everything. And he was the reason Vanitas was dead, really truly dead.

He hadn’t felt this guilty in a long time.

This past month, traveling, Sora’s hands fluttering around Riku’s wrist, worried, not wanting to reach out, it had been killing him.

Riku had never wanted Sora to know this. Sure, they’d had their fair share of scrapes, of worries, but Riku had never been _that_ close to dying. Sora, clearly, didn’t know how to handle seeing him unconscious for days at a time, and Riku had longed to remove the worry from his eyes. He wished he’d never put it there. He was glad it had taken this long to show up.

He was glad it was over, that he could move again, that he could push them towards Roxas again.

They all kept an eye out making their way down the road, but as nerve-wracking as the anticipation was, they didn’t see anyone. It was mostly an empty highway with a few twists and bends. Lots of trees, which made for hard sightlines, which Riku _hated_ , but infected weren’t quiet and most of the trees didn’t have full leaves, yet, since it was just becoming spring.

“You okay?” Sora asked, veering a little closer to him while Kairi stopped to inspect a car with broken-in windows, reaching in for something.

Riku nodded, carefully pulling Sora closer for a kiss. It was the only way he knew how to reassure him.

“It makes sense that this place is empty if they’ve been settled for a while,” Naminé observed. “I always thought a college campus would make a remarkably good base, but only if it has gates.”

Kairi snorted. “Why would a campus have gates?”

“My college did,” Naminé told her, reaching out and plucking a flyer from the ground, pulling it out from under a car tire. “Or, well, it had walls. No gates, because they let bikers and cars come through, but I bet it wouldn’t be too hard to close them off.”

“You went to a fancy school, didn’t you,” Sora said suspiciously, the words floating over his shoulder. He leaned down and picked up a long branch, which he was tossing ahead of him every so often. They walked into a booby-trapped sewer once, and the blast had thrown them out the end and Sora, who’d been at the front, had red patchy burn marks on his palms and arms for months. They were all a little more careful now. “For fancy smart people.”

Naminé stifled a giggle. “Yes.”

“Wow,” Sora said. “Nerd.”

They were getting out a little farther from the town now. The trees were growing bigger, most of the turn offs from the road looked like private drives. Riku could - yes, he could see the gates rising up.

Naminé let out a chuckle, adjusting her rifle. “ _Told_ you.”

The gates were large bars with chicken wire at the top. They looked like they might have been taken from somewhere else on the campus, because they didn’t align with the wall very well. Instead, there was an overturned 18-wheeler blocking the left half of the gates entirely.

“So,” Sora said, looking up. He was dwarfed by the gates and the wall and the mostly empty trees, stretching up to the gray sky above them. “You think anyone’s in there?”

“They better be, or I’ll kill Roxas myself,” Riku mumbled. They were all tired. His feet ached, even though they’d taken the journey slow, and his fingers ached from where they’d been broken against the cliff face. Riku felt the absence of strength _keenly_ whenever he held his rifle up with that arm, the rifle sights slightly trembling. A broken wrist and broken fingers, he couldn’t be perfect forever. His shoulders were perpetually around his ears how much stress he was carrying on them, constantly, after five weeks of being on the road, sleeping in shifts and knowing full well none of them were getting any real rest.

Kairi put her hand close to the gate, just far away enough that she wouldn’t hit a booby trap. “Maybe we should climb over? It doesn’t feel electric.”

“Move back or I’ll shoot,” an unfamiliar voice demanded. Riku looked up at the owner. There were three of them, standing on top of the turned over truck, all of them in heavy coats and hats with scarves around their mouths. “Move the fuck away and put your hands up.”

Riku was slow to do so and one of the guns veered towards him. “Don’t even think about going for your gun.”

“Alright.” Sora reached up for the blue sky. It was always easy for him to wave a white flag.

“Now, wasn’t that easy.” Riku thought the man in the middle was the one talking, in a loose Southern drawl, but he couldn’t be sure. “So. You better tell me you’re lost.”

Sora made a face. “Um, sorry, no. I’m looking for my brother, Roxas?” Even with the gray cloudy sky, against barren trees, Sora still looked bright, like the sun was shining on him.

“Why should I believe that he’d your brother?”

Sora blinked. “We look the same.”

And then - Riku would know that voice anywhere, Roxas’s voice said, “Calm down,” and the gate pushed open, revealing Roxas on the other side. “He’s my brother.” He holstered his own gun. The men on the truck were a little slow to holster their own, as were the two people who came out behind Roxas, a redhead and a woman with blue hair.

It was like Sora finally settled, seeing Roxas. Tension Riku hadn’t even known he had - but of course he’d had - bled out of his shoulders, letting him grin so wide and free at his brother. “Hi, Rox.”

Riku didn’t know how Sora could be so happy. Or, he did, but he could never understand Sora’s heart, and how forgiving it was.

Roxas looked much the same, but then, Sora did too. Neither of them were any taller. Roxas didn’t have any new scars, and Sora didn’t have any new scars that Roxas could see. Roxas’s hair was shorter, like it had been cut recently, but his eyes were the same. He looked just fine. Totally unblemished in a way that Sora was never going to be again, and Riku could feel anger clawing its way up his throat as Roxas frowned at them. “I can’t believe you really came all the way out here.”

“No hug for your big brother?”

The corner of Roxas’s mouth quirked up. “You’re not any taller than me, though.” He accepted Sora’s hug, Sora wrapping his arms around Roxas’s waist and practically lifting him off the ground. He didn’t seem to want to let him go, until Roxas was laughing and shoving him off. Then Naminé was rushing him too, and Kairi, all of them laughing and giggling.

“Kairi!” Roxas threw his arms around her. She was laughing and crying, her family being returned piece by piece.

Riku cleared his throat, but the anger didn’t disappear. “My turn.” Roxas turned to him, confused, probably not even sure the last time he’d ever hugged Riku, if he ever had. Kairi looked at Riku, eyes wide, hand on his shoulder to stop him, the only one who could see what he was about to do, but-

Riku punched Roxas in the face. It was not the smartest thing he’d ever done. He’d probably rank it as one of the stupidest, given how many guns were immediately pointed back at him. Naminé gasped - she and Roxas were close, but then, she knew everything. Riku had told her as she sat at his bedside, checking his ribs. He hadn’t been able to keep it in any longer, had let everything spill out from his soul.

Roxas staggered but didn’t go down. Guilt settled into Riku’s gut, not just for the punch or the crack of Roxas’s nose.

It was odd to be proud of Roxas for staying on his feet, especially when it came mixed with regret that could overwhelm Riku if he let it. Roxas had always been younger, smaller, just fourteen when the apocalypse hit.

He could hold his own now.

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Roxas pressed his hand hard against his nose as he lifted himself up on his other elbow. “I think you broke my nose.”

Riku only felt a little guilty.

Sora took a step forward toward his brother but a gun barrel was shoved right in his face, by the redhead. “Whoa!” His hands went up again.

Roxas waved them off, shoving the gun barrel out of Sora’s face. “It’s fine.” He spat a little bit of blood onto the green green grass. His nose was already turning purple. “I - I deserved that. Fuck you, Riku.”

“No, fuck _you_ ,” Riku spat, leaning around Kairi and jabbing his finger into Roxas’s chest. Everyone, clearly, was waiting for him to get the point, standing by Roxas’s assertion that everything was fine. The redhead looked agitated, though. “You’re damn right you deserved that. Do you know what the hell you did to us?”

“Riku, he doesn’t know,” Sora said quietly, his fingers tracing up Riku’s good wrist, the crook of his elbow, steadying him.

“No, he doesn’t, because he ran away,” Riku snarled. Sora’s fingers tightened just a little, pressing into him. “Did you know that when you ran, Rox, you left us for dead? Just took off? Left _Sora_ for dead?”

“I didn’t know, I swear.” Roxas’s eyes darted towards Sora, cataloguing him up and down. He couldn’t see anything of course. And of course he didn’t know, but Riku had been carrying this around, the weight in his chest, for months now. Roxas didn’t know but he should have. But then again, Sora was the only one who’d ever claimed to be able to read his brother’s mind.

“Or I’m sure you remember being the only reason we were outside the safe zone during the day? I’m sure you remember that.”

“I remember,” Roxas mumbled.

“But you don’t remember the notes I left you about how Sora was dying, because you ran. Away. What the hell were you thinking?” Roxas opened his mouth and Riku cut him off. “Don’t _answer_ , I know you weren’t thinking anything!”

“Riku,” Sora said anxiously.

“How could you be so _stupid?_ ” Riku was full of pent up anger and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to stop, but he couldn’t stop it now, the words swelling out him bitter and loud. “You left me to watch him die!”

He felt lighter. He’d been carrying the weight for too long.

“Riku,” Sora insisted, tugging on Riku’s wrist. He stepped in front of Riku, breaking his line of sight to Roxas. Riku blinked, focusing in on him instead of anyone else around them. “It’s okay. I’m okay.”

“I know.”

“I know,” Sora repeated. He pressed a soft kiss to Riku’s cheek then his warm hands left Riku’s wrist.

Roxas was crying, even as Sora pulled him into a hug. Riku just looked up at the clear blue sky, pretending not to listen as Sora soothed his younger brother. Always together, those two. It was a wonder they’d lasted this long apart.

“I’m okay,” Sora was saying, even as Roxas cried into his shoulder. Stupidly, Riku thought how strange it was that even though Sora was the one who’d been in pain, he was always the one doing the comforting. It was always that way with Sora. Roxas and Riku had taken advantage of that so much more than they should have. “Better than okay.”

A low whistle came from Riku’s left.

“I didn’t think he had any family,” the redheaded guy confessed. He was in the middle of lighting a cigarette, rifle slung casually over his shoulder. “But they’re sure as shit brothers, huh?”

“Yup,” Riku said tiredly, reaching out to cup his hands around the lighter so it would light against the cold spring wind. “I mean, that’s why we came all the way out here. Brotherly intuition, or whatever.”

“Thanks,” the guy mumbled, cigarette lit. Riku shoved his hands back into his pockets. “Is that a thing?”

“I don’t know.” Riku shrugged. A harder question couldn’t be asked, not when he’d been trying to understand it for years. “Sora says so, and Roxas says it’s not, but Sora always managed to find Roxas before he gets into trouble. That’s how we got here.”

“Roxas has been here for a while now,” the guy said. “How’d you _really_ know he was here?”

“He wrote a letter,” Riku said, rolling his eyes. “Told us not to come find him.”

“But you did.”

“Yeah, well, if he really didn’t want us to come, he shouldn’t have left a letter.” Roxas had to have known that Sora wouldn’t just leave him alone. “They’re brothers, you know?”

“And you?”

“I go where Sora goes.” It was comfortable to say, Riku realized. Their first time around, he’d never been able to say that, out of fear. Fear of other people, but mostly himself. “Punching Roxas was just a bonus.”

“Long grudge.”

“He deserved it,” Riku said. In a way, Roxas had freed them, of course, but Riku wouldn’t ever thank him for the two days of pure agony he’d put Sora through. Watching Sora convulse and shake like he wasn’t human, the screams he made - no. It was hard to forgive.

“Great,” the redhead said. “I’m Axel. Why don’t y’all come in?”

\-----

The woman with blue hair gave them all a once over, hand on her rifle, then introduced herself as Aqua, since they’d clearly passed whatever test she’d set. Roxas mumbled _she’s in charge_ as she led them through the campus, giving a few directions to the other men with her.

Sora wouldn’t let go of Roxas’s hand, or maybe it was Roxas that wouldn’t let go of Sora. Either way, they walked side-by-side through the campus, not saying anything. Roxas had stopped crying but every so often he’d wipe at his eyes, like he was ready to start up again. One of the men had quickly popped Roxas’s nose into place, though his eyes were already started to bruise too.

Riku walked behind them, arm in arm with Naminé, and Sora kept twisting back, as if to check that the both of them were there.

Kairi was doing all the heavy lifting, walking beside Aqua and asking all the appropriate questions. _How many people do you have?_ “About a hundred and fifty.” _How long have you been here_? “I was going to grad school here, so just about the whole time.” _How do you all work together?_ “We have a job rotation, with people who go hunting, and a sort of military situation. There are a lot of farms out here, too, so we’ve - well, we’ve got some chickens, but admittedly that endeavor hasn’t been going _very_ well. You’ll see! We make it all work.”

It wasn’t a big campus, but it looked to have tall walls on most sides, and it was pretty clean of the usual debris - downed branches, crumpled receipts - as well as clear of the usual but unfortunate debris - dead bodies, scattered guns. There was an empty fountain ahead of them on the main road through campus, and there were lots of buildings, still standing but with missing windows. There were also large scratch marks on some of the pavement, where heavy things had been dragged.

“We stole some solar panels,” Axel said, noticing where Riku was looking. “We mostly stay in one of the dormitories, that’s kind of our main base, but this school was apparently really big on agriculture and green science, which makes it perfect for us.”

“Did you go here too?”

“No sir, I did _not_.” Axel blew a bunch of smoke out. Riku wrinkled his nose. “But a lot of the people at camp did. Not me.”

“This is the dorm.” Aqua directed them to the right, cutting across the grass. It was a tall building, most of the windows on the front were covered in newspaper, so infected wouldn’t see inside and try to break through the glass. “It’s where we all stay. There’s a dining hall in it and everything, also a weapons room. Roxas, you want to help find them all rooms?”

“Sure.”

“Great!” Aqua said brightly. Looked like Kairi had worked her charms on her, then, because she didn’t look angry or that willing to shoot them all in the head. “We’ll give you a few days to get settled, then we can figure out work rotations, alright? Dinner is at six. Everyone else, you’re off-duty!”

Most of the men gave a little cheer. One of them headed around the back of the dorm, while the other two headed inside, pulling open the heavy door.

None of them made a move to enter, though. Roxas took a few steps towards the door, looking back when Naminé spoke up, her hand fiddling with the collar of her worn jacket. “Is it true you’re working on a cure?”

“Yes,” Aqua admitted slowly, carefully. Wary, that was good. “We’re not giving up. But it’s very slow going, I don’t want to give you false hope. But we have several researchers working.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Riku saw the slightly downturn of Sora’s mouth, the slight tensing of his shoulders. If Roxas noticed – and Riku didn’t know that he did, not with eight months between the brothers – he didn’t say anything.

“There’s no worry of that,” Naminé informed her. “I’d hate to give _you_ any false hope, either. But I worked in the labs in the Northern California zone, before we were given official orders to close down, and I did bring some very interesting blood samples.”

Aqua’s eyes gleamed. Roxas frowned.

\-----

The last time Riku had felt safe, he’d gotten broken ribs for his troubles. Which meant he was having a hard time falling asleep, even though he was four floors up in a dorm that had one working entrance watched at all times by at least two guards. Even though he was in a dorm room, asleep on an actual mattress, both him and Sora smushed together in an extra-long single dorm bed.

He and Sora had chosen an empty room in the dorms near Roxas’s room. Roxas had shown them around, let them know they could get sheets from the commissary, but it was still a dorm room, meant to be transitory. It had all white walls, and cheap wooden drawers that they couldn’t possibly hope to fill with the meager contents from their backpack. If Riku closed his eyes and let sadness crawl its way up his throat so that it hurt to swallow, he could imagine that this future was his. He could have gone to college and had Sora visit him on weekends, both of them tucked into one bed just like this. Sora probably would have become such good friends with Riku’s roommate that the guy wouldn’t have even minded being sexiled.

But instead they were lying together in an empty dorm room, backpacks thrown on the other bed, staring at the blank wall. They’d _found_ Roxas. It had taken only seconds to uncover anything about Ventus, who was apparently off working near D.C., or what remained of D.C., where a few scientists and politicians were trying to remake the world. But he was safe. He wrote letters. Roxas had let Sora read the one Ven had sent last week over dinner. And even though they’d just shown up, there was _food_ , hot food that Riku had to force himself to eat slow in case he gave himself a stomach ache.

He and Sora sat side by side, bumping elbows, letting Roxas introduce them to people. _My friends_ , he said, and Riku could practically feel how Sora lit up, so happy for Roxas that it was uncontainable, that everyone in the cafeteria had to be blinded.

And now they were lying together, Riku still awake, unable to calm down, his body so _sure_ that something was wrong, despite what his heart knew. He closed his eyes, not that it made much difference: the moon was hidden behind clouds and he couldn’t see Sora at all either way, could only feel his breath and his fingertips and heartbeat, calm in sleep. He should be reveling in it. It had been _months_ since they’d been able to sleep together, not worried about what might come for them, not thinking about the next shift they had to wake up for or who might be watching.

Riku ran his thumb across the center of Sora’s necklace, comforted by the familiar glint. He’d given it back in Traverse Town, having forgotten he was even wearing it. It had been one of the first things he’d done when he was able to stay conscious for more than a few minutes. Sora had protested, but Riku had pressed him, haunted by how empty Sora’s eyes looked whenever he thought Riku wasn’t looking. He really had thought Riku was going to die. Riku really might have. “I gave it to you for a reason.” Riku had to pull Sora closer to him because he couldn’t sit up properly with his ribs.

“Yeah?” Sora asked, letting himself be pulled so that Riku could give him a soft kiss. The first one in a long time that Riku had actually been present for, along with fixing Riku’s leg, Naminé had declared that Sora didn’t carry a trace of the infection at all. Sora had probably kissed Riku a lot while he was in and out of consciousness, but this one, this one was important.

“I wanted you to have a piece of me too,” Riku said, and it was the truth, had been the truth when they were four and eight and eleven. It had been the truth that carried him through everything, even this. Sora shouldn’t have to lose him either.

So it had gone back around Sora’s neck, settled in where it was supposed to be, a lucky charm like no other.

“Roxas looks happy, huh,” Sora mumbled into Riku’s ear. He flinched and Sora let out a little yelp as Riku’s fingers accidentally dug into his arm. He hadn’t realized Sora was awake.

“Yeah,” he whispered after his heart stopped racing. He ran his fingers over Sora’s bicep in apology, hoping he wouldn’t bruise. It had been a few thin months with not much in the way of nutrition, so he probably would. “Sorry. Yeah.”

Sora giggled into his ear, hardly put off. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“I didn't know you were awake!” Riku protested, poking Sora in the side to make him giggle more.

“I can’t sleep, it’s too weird,” Sora complained, settling back down. “Like. This is a bed. And zombies can’t work doors.” He wiggled around so that his arm was loose, letting in a rush of cool air. Sora always ran so hot when he was sleeping, it was like snuggling with a furnace even in the dead of winter. “And you know I can’t sleep when I’m mad.”

“You’re mad?” Riku asked even though it wasn’t a question. He knew. He’d felt a bit of stale anger in Sora, running through his veins even as Sora sat next to him and laughed at Roxas’s friends. They’d both been carrying it around for months, but Riku had _had_ his catharsis, his anger all dissipated the moment he’d thrown the punch. Sora hadn’t had that. Sora was the master of getting upset over the little things, like who ate the last ice cream, but when it came to Roxas, he’d do anything to make sure his little brother was happy.

Maybe that wasn’t great this time. At least, it had been part of the problem.

“I’m annoyed, maybe,” Sora said. “I’m kind of mad, but also, Roxas looks so comfortable, you know?”

Riku thought of Roxas happily showing them around the compound. The field in the middle of the quad where a few people were harvesting ripe, beautiful strawberries. One of the girls had offered them a few, grinning. “I’ve heard a lot about you!” She elbowed Roxas, laughing. “I’m Xion. Roxas talks about you all the time!”

“Aw, Rox,” Sora had crowed, looking delighted. Xion had laughed too, head thrown back so much that she had to hold onto her floppy sun hat before it slid off.

Roxas had looked embarrassed, but the old way he’d used to look embarrassed when his friends would come around and Sora would be a nosy older brother. He’d cast glances at Riku, just begging them to get their snack and _leave_ , come on Riku, he’s _your_ boyfriend, _come on, come on_. Riku would have to steer Sora out, all of them grinning, even Roxas. It had been like that today, like nothing had ever happened.

Something did happen, though, and it still had its claws in both of them. “He looks good,” Riku said, because he did. “But I’m also still a little mad at him.”

Sora snorted. “I couldn’t tell,” he deadpanned, smoothing his thumb over the split skin on Riku’s knuckles.

“I feel better now?” Riku offered, which made Sora laugh.

“Well, I’m not going to punch him,” he teased, but the mirth faded quickly, pulling him back into thought. “I think that wouldn’t be fair. I’m mad but also he’s happy now, so it just seems like it’s okay, right?”

He kicked his feet around, agitated. He was never one to put up with how carefully Riku liked to word things. Riku, as per usual, gave in. Sora wasn’t one to mince words, he wouldn’t care. Riku _did_ drape his leg over Sora’s so he’d stop wiggling around, though. They were in a sleeping bag in a twin bed and they didn’t need Sora falling off the edge, because if he did, he’d take Riku with him. “I think he does seem happy.” He hesitated. “Probably he just gets to be himself. Not the youngest, or your little brother. He can just be a person.”

Sora made a thoughtful humming noise. “You’re probably right,” he said. Roxas had never complained about that, of course, but every school teacher he’d ever had had remembered Sora and what a delight he was to have in class, _simply a delight!_ “Oh no, I hope I don’t ruin that.”

“You won’t.”

Sora didn’t answer that right away, probably knowing too well how easy it would be for him to bumble in, smiling, and steal it all away. He had a habit of making people breathless that would be annoying if Riku and Roxas didn’t love him so much. Riku hoped, for both their sakes, that those eight extra months would mean something here, that Roxas could stay comfortable. “Well, I think it’s good for him. He made friends! It’s - it’s weird.”

Riku shifted, propping himself up on an elbow. He couldn’t see Sora at all, it was so dark in their room and the moon was just a sliver. It was hard to navigate this when he couldn’t see Sora’s face, could only hear the slightly stilted tone of his voice. “Weird?”

Sora huffed. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen him so happy,” he said slowly. “He’s really - grown up, I guess. Talking with Aqua about work rotations and whether or not they should start another planting field. He’s really made a place for himself here.”

“We will too,” Riku said and felt Sora shake his head.

“That’s not it,” he said thoughtfully. “I don’t know. It’s just - he did it without me. And I don’t think he _could_ have done it with me.”

Riku pursed his lips, unsure of what to say. He thought he knew what Sora meant, that it was sometimes weird to realize you didn’t know someone as well as you thought you did. Or that the person you’d known didn’t want to be who they were, the person that you knew. To find that you were holding someone back. “I think that’s okay,” he said carefully, reaching out and finding Sora’s cheek, nose, lips. “Don’t you?”

“It’s great,” Sora said emphatically and Riku relaxed just a little bit as he felt Sora’s smile against his fingertips. “Just makes me feel weird. Like I should have been more aware.”

Riku bit down his first impulse, which was to say that Sora couldn’t have known. That wasn’t what Sora needed right now. “Maybe,” Riku allowed. “But I don’t think it's your fault. I don’t think any of us really knew what was going on, not even Roxas.”

“No, I should have,” Sora disagreed. “I just didn’t want to.” He sighed, curling his arm around Riku’s waist so they were slotted together. “I just feel a little guilty, is that stupid?”

Riku swallowed, a pit in his stomach. “You’re the one always saying feelings can’t be stupid.”

Sora snorted. “But they’re arguing.” As if his feelings were people in a town hall who couldn’t reach a consensus. “I’m _smad_ , Riku.”

“Smad is still not a word,” Riku said, in the tone of someone who had trod this argument thousands of times before, because he _had_. “Try disgruntled.”

“I’m _not_ disgruntled, I’m smad,” Sora insisted. He groaned. “I’m working on it, okay? I just - I dunno if I ever thought I’d see him so happy again.”

He settled in, clearly ready to fall asleep, but Riku lay awake, thinking about it. About how he and Sora hadn’t let Roxas grow, be who he was, be the person he was showing he could be. He was thriving. Riku wanted to find that too, but he didn’t know if he could do it yet, not when things were still so new and the guilt was old but refreshed.

\-----

Riku was almost surprised to find the guilt lessening as they settled in, almost a little discomfited by it. He and Sora requisitioned a full-size mattress and broke apart their dorm bed to make the room a little homier; they set their small collections of items on top of the dresses. Sora’s picture book and their family photos, a few things that Kairi had kept for them. Sora kept saying that on their day off, they’d have to go into town to steal curtains, because the blinds had been torn and the sun was unrelenting.

 They got added to the work roster, which meant that half the time, one of them came home covered in dirt from the small farm that had been made out in the middle of the quad, sprinkling it all over the admittedly already disgusting carpet. Naminé explored the labs, and for days afterwards, Riku felt eyes on him when he and Sora and Kairi entered the dining hall, dozens of eyes wondering what they’d brought, if it was going to actually work.

Roxas was happy, that much was clear, and that made Sora happy. Sometimes, they’d be in the rec room and Roxas would be laughing with his friends and Sora would just squeeze Riku’s hand. Riku understood how he felt. It felt like it had been so long since they’d seen Roxas smile, really smile, and Axel and Xion could coax it out of him so easily.

If Sora was a little saddened by it, that everyone else could make his brother smile but him, he didn’t say. He didn’t encroach, he let Roxas wave him over to his dinner table instead of just assuming he could sit there. It was a very odd approach for Sora, and Roxas must have noticed it, but he didn’t say anything. Neither did Sora, which was just another odd thing.

He was _trying_ , even if it wasn’t natural or easy, so make that he gave Riku hope for everything, blossoming in his chest as they built their life.

It became _easy_ in a way that scraped at Riku’s soul, a way he _hated_ because it should be easy, he should be allowed to have this. He should be allowed to join the work rotation and make jokes with Kairi as they searched the college walls for holes and to fall asleep being held by Sora. He should be allowed to laugh at Roxas and gossip with Kairi about how Naminé was really hitting it off with Roxas’s friend Xion, wasn’t she, and yeah, he _would_ bet that they got together before two months were up.

But he wanted to hold on to the guilt for all the trouble it had caused.

He wasn’t supposed to. He was _confident_ he wasn’t supposed to, it was what had caused him all his problems, but it ate away at him, mostly because he _knew_ that Sora wouldn’t turn away. Hell, it had been eight months since Riku had pulled that trigger and not once had Sora flinched under the hands that had killed his brother.

Sora hadn’t done it in the past and he wouldn’t do it now. No, it was all on Riku to change, the way he’d promised to do as he sobbed into Sora’s shoulder, still half-disbelieving he was going to die in that empty house outside the zone. It was different that helping a family on the road by giving them a little food, way different. That had been hard.

That didn’t cause him to jerk awake with nightmares, thinking about his hands stained red, so that he couldn’t fall back asleep at Sora’s side.

“How come it took you so long to get here, anyways,” Roxas asked over dinner. Terra, the man who planned all the work rotations, was being kind to them by always letting them all have dinner at the same time for a few weeks. Riku didn’t know if Roxas had asked for that or if Terra had just done it, but Roxas and Sora were sometimes more like twins that brothers - they both did an incredible job of endearing themselves to people. “I thought you’d show up all pissed off like, after two weeks.”

“Well, we went back home and Riku broke his ribs and his leg,” Sora said softly, finding Riku’s hand under the table, the one with the once-broken fingers. “And, um, we found Vanitas.”

Riku stiffened, his fork pausing in route from his plate to his mouth. They hadn’t - they hadn’t talked about it. Not him and Sora, at all, even if it had been _months_. Not them and Roxas, either. Riku wasn’t sure if Ven or Roxas had even seen Vanitas – he’d been chained up at some point, but Riku didn’t know who had done that.

And now Sora was bringing it up, head bowed, voice soft, mourning.

Roxas’s glass slipped out of his hand as he gaped. Axel righted it before the whole thing spilled, but Roxas didn’t seem to notice the slow crawl of water over the table top. “Shit, really? Is he - he’s all-”

“He’s dead now.”

Riku winced, but if it was from the pressure of Sora’s tightening fingers on his or hearing him say it so bluntly, he didn’t know. Roxas looked as he’d been punched again, mouth open, eyes wide and empty. From the look in his eyes, he hadn’t seen Vanitas at all. He sounded very young when he said, “Really?”

“Yeah.” Sora sounded very far away. “Just the three of us, now.”

Roxas winced and Riku dug his elbow in Sora’s side, sure that he hadn’t meant to say it. Sora flinched and then, eyes wide, added, “At least we know what happened to him, now, Rox, right? He doesn’t have to be - be like that.”

“Right.” Roxas attempted a grin.

Dinner was quiet after that.

Clearly, Sora didn’t want to tell the whole story, didn’t want to say that they’d been stupid and Riku had _killed_ their brother. He didn’t want to open that up, not so soon after reconciliation. Roxas tried to grab his elbow after dinner, pull him into his room, and for once, Sora actually pulled away. “Not tonight, Rox,” he said, which Roxas had probably _never_ heard from him, ever.

Even when they were kids and Sora tried, he’d say something like “Don’t you have homework or video games or something to be doing?” and if Roxas was in a good mood, he’d leave Sora and Riku alone, and if he wasn’t, then Sora never pushed more.

It only took murder to change that.

Riku closed the door behind them and surveyed their tiny room. They’d recently gone into town and stolen a fluffy yellow comforter out of someone’s closet, and Sora was face-planted on it now, his feet hanging off the side. “Sora?”

Sora mumbled something unintelligible then kicked his foot up half-heartedly. Riku reached over and pulled off both his shoes, so that Sora could curl up on the bed the way he liked to do when he was upset. Riku took a seat beside him, set a hand on Sora’s back, running down his spine. It’d been a while, actually, since Riku saw him like this. Riku should have seen it much sooner.

“I’m okay,” Sora mumbled, lifting his head just a little bit.

“I don’t think so,” Riku countered.

“It’d be really nice if you didn’t know me so well sometimes.” Sora dislodged Riku’s hand as he rolled over, arms reaching out.

Riku huffed. “Really?”

“ _No_ ,” Sora said, burying his face in Riku’s shirt. “Which you _know_ because you _know_ me so well!”

Riku didn’t let himself smile, because Sora was unhappy, but he did know that, and he liked it. He liked when Sora knew him so well that he knew when to press and when to let Riku be, that he knew that he should rarely let Riku be. He leaned down and pressed his lips against Sora’s ear, the words only for him. “I’m so sorry about Vanitas.”

Vanitas and Ven had doted on Sora the same way Sora doted on Roxas. Riku remembered Vanitas babysitting the both of them once, putting them both in front of a TV to watch kids adventures, but he’d parked himself on the couch even though he didn’t have to because Sora asked him to watch together, curling his fingers around Vani’s shoe. He remembered Vanitas’s slow grin and how he was always kind of contrary, how Ven was constantly smiling but had a hair trigger temper too. Whenever he thought of them, though, he thought first of how much they both looked just like Sora.

Riku didn’t have a brother, but he guessed it would feel the same as seeing Roxas get shot in front of him.

Sora sniffled. “It’s stupid,” he said, voice wavering like he was about to cry. Riku knew the sound well. How many times had they been in this exact position, Sora upset and Riku’s hand on his back? None like this, though. “Vani’s been gone for _years_ and I knew that, but sometimes I just - I really miss him.”

“What part of that was supposed to be stupid?” Riku gently pressed a kiss to the top of Sora’s head. Sora was practically shaking in his arms.

“I just hate that he’s dead,” Sora sobbed, curling up so that he fit perfectly, as if he was never meant to be anywhere but Riku’s arms.

Riku swallowed. “I’m so sorry,” he repeated, over and over, hoping the words would smooth Sora, somehow, even if they were from his mouth. He wasn’t as good at this as Roxas was. But Sora hadn’t wanted Roxas, he’d wanted Riku, so Riku didn’t stop talking, just let Sora cry himself empty until he was exhausted and Riku’s previously clean shirt was snotty and damp.

When they were kids, they’d always cry if the other was crying. They’d done it long after they should have grown out of crying just because another baby was making a fuss, but they just hated to see each other sad. Their parents would joke that they were practically just one child, for all the mood swings they shared.

Riku had always liked it, in a weird way. Sora did too, because they talked about once at a sleepover, when Sora confessed that it made him feel really comforted. “Is that weird,” he checked.

Riku was almost ten. “No,” he’d said, rolling over. “It makes me feel like you get me.” Sora had _beamed_.

Riku hadn’t thought about that in a while. Partially because they’d gotten better at dealing with their shit than they were when they were twelve. They didn’t have any more arguments about whether or not swimming was harder than track, which was one they’d had in elementary school and fought about so much that they hadn’t actually talked for days, until Sora had made a peace offering in the form of a best friend contract that said ‘agree to disagree’.

Riku was sure his copy was still upstairs in his room, maybe even still taped to the wall with his and Sora’s signatures in red ballpoint pen. Even when he was upset, he could look at it and feel a little better. When they’d started dating, Sora had put a little sticky-note on it, amending _best friend_ to _boyfriend :)_ and it made Riku blush impossibly hard, which only made Sora laugh harder, but Riku had kept it taped up.

Sometimes they just fed off each other, like they were just one singular entity, and that feedback loop was the only explanation for why Riku burst into tears the second Sora shifted, saying, “I feel so much better, Riku- oh no-”

“Sorry,” Riku mumbled, pressing his hand to his mouth like that would stop him from leaking everywhere. Sora snatched it away immediately, threading their fingers together and looking _utterly_ unsurprised. Either he also remembered the feedback loop or Riku was way _way_ worse at hiding his guilt that he thought.

“Riku, it’s okay, it’s okay.” His capable hands cupped the back of Riku’s neck, tilting him forward until his forehead hit Sora’s thin shoulder, so steady no matter the load. “Just let it all out, I’m here.”

Of course he was. He always was, and even the worlds spilling out of his mouth wouldn’t push Sora away. Riku tried to remember to be grateful for that as the guilt ate away at him. “But I killed him,” Riku sobbed, as if Sora needed any sort of reminder.

He was supposed to be past this. Everything he’d said about hating who he was, he’d meant it. He wanted to be better, he wanted to be the person Sora believed he still was and some days, he really felt like he _was_ that person. Some days. But he’d still killed Vanitas without a second thought and most of them time he woke up from nightmares, his own voice was ringing around in his head. _I’m gonna end up awful_.

Riku had always been a little stagnant to change.

Sora’s thumb pressed against the underside of Riku’s jaw, tilting his head up so that Riku had to look at him. No hatred in his eyes. No fear. He was the one always moving, always changing. And Riku knew he manufactured everything, but the guilt still stayed with him, cloying. “I know.” Sora gave him a weak smile. “It’s okay, it’s really okay.”

“It’s _not_ ,” Riku said, jerking away from Sora’s sympathetic gaze. “I killed him and - and you promised not to lie to Roxas, you _promised_ , I don’t want to get between you again, I can’t-”

He didn’t even know what he saying, pouring it all out in their slowly darkening room until he was empty too. Sora listened, his hands holding Riku steady.

“Feel better?” He asked softly when Riku had lapsed into silence.

“No.”

Sora let out a tiny brittle laugh. “You will,” he promised, his voice not sounding very strong at all. “Eventually. You just have to make sure it happens, okay? Because you can’t keep feeling so guilty for everything, Riku. With Vanitas, I - I’m not going to get over it soon. He’s my brother and now he’s dead and-” Sora buried his face in his hands for just a second, shoulders shaking. “And I miss him. I miss him _so_ much. But Riku, you didn’t kill him.”

“You were _there_ -”

“ _This_ -” Sora waved his arm around, encompassing their room and the world. “This stupid apocalypse killed him! Not you! You aren’t a murderer, Riku! He was attacking you because he wasn’t _him_ anymore. He was something else. He was _long gone_ , Riku, he’s been dead for four fucking years ago, okay?”

Riku tilted his head against Sora’s hand as his thumb brushed away tears. Even when he was supposed to be distancing himself, he was incapable of resisting Sora’s touch, not when it settled him like nothing else could. “But I pulled the trigger.”

Didn’t Sora know? Sora had to know. Riku had killed him, Sora had to know.

“And I didn’t.” Sora’s voice threatened tears again. Riku saw him visibly swallow them back. “He - he killed Mom and Dad, and Dad would probably be alive if I had, but I didn’t. I think about that all the time, Riku, that - that’s he just been out there, not even a person anymore. So. At least that’s over, right?”

“You’re too forgiving,” Riku mumbled, but something tight in his chest eased, just a little bit, right where Sora’s hand was pressed against his heart.

“Maybe you’re too stubborn,” Sora countered, his constant refrain. He pressed his forehead against Riku’s. “I’m here with you, okay? And you’re here with me. So don’t let this set you back. It _has_ to be the two of us against the world, I can’t do it alone again.”

He couldn’t do it alone again. Funny. Here Riku had been thinking the same thing.

“I don’t know if I can do that,” Riku mumbled, then added, hastily, “Yet!”

“Yet is fine,” Sora said, combing through Riku’s hair. “That’s just fine. I’ll be here no matter what.”

Even if Riku never got to ‘fine’ Sora would be there. So Riku simply had to get to ‘fine.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shoutout to @beckthebeetle for walking me through the injuries riku could have survived after like . falling off a cliff dhfgljdghdjgh he's FINE, MOSTLY . he LIVES


	8. Chapter 8

Riku _really_ didn’t expect to be punched first thing in the morning, before he’d even gotten to breakfast, but he was. He had just looked up to see Roxas coming at him, fury on his face like Riku wasn’t used to anymore, not after a month on the campus, and suddenly Roxas’s fist hit his nose, brain radiating throughout his skull. “Hey!”

Roxas was glaring at him, hands balled into fists. “Fuck you!”

Riku pushed him off and felt around his nose, which hurt but didn’t feel broken. He scrunched it up a few times, groaning, and then returned his glare to Roxas. “What the _hell_?”

Roxas didn’t provide any answers, just looking like he was gearing up for another punch at this rate, and then Riku heard Sora’s voice, his hand turning Riku’s head so that Riku was looking right into his blue eyes instead. “Is your nose okay?” Riku winced as Sora’s cool fingers checked for any breaks. “It looks okay - Riku, I’m so sorry!”

Riku breathed in deep through the subsiding pain. “I’m good.”

Sora gave him a sheepish smile. “I just told him,” he said, hands disappearing into his pockets. “I didn’t think you’d be his first stop.”

It was early morning, and Riku was never his best at it. It took him a second to catch up, to connect Sora’s slightly guilty look and Roxas’s rage with everything. “You _told_ him?”

Sora nodded. “I told Aqua ten minutes ago.”

Riku ignored Roxas’s protest of _you told her before me?_

They’d agreed to tell Aqua a few nights ago. They’d been in the compound almost a month, enough that Naminé had become comfortable in the labs that lived in the corner of the campus, far away from the dorms and the fields. It was one of the only places in the entire campus with electricity that functioned 100% of the time.

Naminé hadn’t offered Sora up; for that, Riku was infinitely grateful. But she only had so many vials of blood and the scientists in the lab were getting impatient. Riku hardly met any of them, that’s how much they stayed locked away with their test tubes and microscopes. Out of the seven or so, he’d only talked to one, Ienzo, who had been coaxed into coming to Music Night in the rec room by his boyfriend Demyx, who played the ukulele astonishingly well for someone who somehow seemed perpetually stoned.

Riku liked him fine, he was quiet but a little sweet, but the rest of them were a mystery that Naminé was hesitant to throw Sora into the middle of. The infection targeted the _brain_. He wasn’t all too keen to see if any scientists would want to open Sora’s up. Sora would let them, probably.

Sora didn’t care, of course. He trusted Roxas and Roxas trusted Aqua and Terra, and Sora would never let himself be the reason people had to suffer a moment longer. He wanted to save the world.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” Riku said quietly, ignoring Roxas for just a moment. Roxas scowled, but he was used to Riku and Sora having their own conversation in front of him. Riku regretted that, a little. “I’d have gone with you.”

“You looked like you were having a really good dream,” Sora admitted, gaze soft. It caught Riku off guard for a second, so simple and sweet. “It went fine, Riku. You didn’t have to back me up.”

Riku blinked, caught off-guard. It was true that Sora didn’t _need_ him there, Sora never needed anyone to fight his battles for him, but he’d have liked to be there. They were partners. Maybe Sora hadn’t wanted to stress him out any more.

“I can’t believe _neither_ of you told me.” Roxas swiped at his eyes, clearly upset. Down the hallway, Riku could see Xion looking on, frown etched on her face. Riku was grateful for her, too, for Roxas to have someone, anyone, to turn to. “It’s been a _month!_ ” He narrowed his teary eyes at Riku. “Is this why you punched me?”

Riku couldn’t see any sense in denying it. “Yeah.”

“Okay, that’s fair,” Roxas admitted, shoving his hands in his pockets, just like Sora. “But still. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”

“I’m fine, Roxas, really!”

“It’s _not fucking fine_!” Roxas yelled. “What the hell, Sora!”

Sora shushed him desperately, pulling Roxas farther down the hallway, so that no one in the dining hall would hear them. Xion didn’t move. “Roxas, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, okay? I didn’t want you to get upset, and that was wrong of me.”

Roxas looked momentarily stunned. “Uh, thank you,” he said, clearly not sure what to do with that. His hands left his pockets, one of them looping around Sora’s wrist like he was five again and was worried he was going to lose him in a crowd. Sora would always scoop him up and put him on his shoulders, not that that got him much higher. “Can I - can I see it?”

Sora obligingly pulled his shirt off his shoulder and showed off his neck, the scar tissue that Roxas must have noticed peeking up for under the collar. Riku had seen it before, thousands of times, and it hurt a little less, each time. Every time Riku laid his hands on it, he thought about how Sora could overcome anything, through sheer force of will, including death. No one had asked about the scar, of course, because you just didn’t ask about scars, and maybe Roxas was a little scared to ask, because it hadn’t been on Sora’s body before he’d left and now it was.

“It healed up pretty nicely,” Roxas admitted grudgingly, his hand hovering over it.

Sora reached out and pressed Roxas’s hand to his neck, none too gentle. Riku didn’t doubt that soon Roxas too would have memorized its bumpy pattern, the way Riku’s fingers knew every edge, every divot, the typography of survival. “Riku cleaned it out.”

Roxas looked at him for a long moment. Riku couldn’t hope to understand what they were telepathically saying to each other, but at least Roxas’s shoulders relaxed a little bit. “Of course he did.” He rolled his eyes. “When -”

“After you left,” Sora said quickly. Liar.

From the look on his face, Roxas knew it, too. Sora wasn’t a bad liar, not really, but Roxas knew his brother too well. It had never worked on him, even when Sora was still trying to convince him that Santa Claus was real. He’d scrunched up his nose and pinned Sora down with that unyielding stare. He did the same now. “You’re not supposed to lie to me, Sora.”

“I’m _not-_ ”

“You are!”

Aqua’s voice cut into the argument. “Sora, can we talk to you for a minute?” She was down the hallway, standing with Terra and a man from the labs that Riku thought was named Ansem. Naminé was there too, standing a little farther apart. Riku didn’t think she particularly liked Ansem much. He kind of looked like a jerk.

“Sure, Aqua!” Sora said brightly, waving his hand. “Roxas, please - I’m okay, I promise. It’s all okay.” Then he headed off down the hallway, leaving his brother behind. Sometimes there was something higher calling, and Riku watched as he wiped the troubled look off his face, pasting a smile on to talk with Aqua.

Roxas immediately turned around to Riku. “Tell me.”

“Um.” Riku suddenly wanted to run away. “I can’t, Rox.”

Roxas groaned. “You’re the _worst_.” He looked mostly like he was talking to himself. Riku knew it wasn’t easy on Roxas, always feeling left out. When he was four, he’d burst into tears because he was never going to know Sora for longer than Riku had, because Riku had been born first and _that wasn’t fair! Sora!_ It had taken ages for Sora to calm him down.

He had the same wild look in his eyes now, that the older kids were leaving him out again. If running away was anything to go by, he’d carried that around with him for a long time. He strode down the hallway, away from Riku and Sora and towards the door.

Sora caught Riku’s eyes, gave him a pleading look. Riku knew what he wanted. For Roxas not to be alone, and Riku might not be his brother, but he was close enough. Maybe it would be better this way, even. Riku waved Xion off and followed after Roxas.

Roxas had shoved through the front door to the quad, sucking in the sweet air. Riku caught up to him in no time at all.

“Hey,” Riku said gently.

“I don’t wanna talk,” Roxas mumbled, though he leaned into the hand Riku put on his shoulder instead of shrugging it off, like Riku had expected. Riku carefully steered him away from the field and the people on the farming rotation, back towards where there were little stone benches in the shade to sit on. Roxas collapsed on one. “Not if neither of you are going to tell me anything.”

“I can’t tell you that part,” Riku said again. It had to come from Sora, even he knew that. For all that Sora had been trying, there were some hurdles that were still just a little too high. “It has to come from him.”

“It won’t,” Roxas mumbled. “I’m still just his kid brother.”

Riku didn’t know if a relationship could be removed from a person so cleanly. He doubted that Roxas could be cleaved from Sora so easily, that was the nature of family. They’d always be intertwined. Sora was just aiming to give Roxas a little bit of breathing room. “He’s been trying really hard,” Riku said, trying to figure out how to say it. This wasn’t his forte, but Sora had to save the world, so here he was. “Not to - overshadow you.”

“I don’t think that matters once news of this gets out.”

Riku let out a brittle chuckle. Sora did have a habit of taking the spotlight, even when he never meant to. “Yeah. Probably. Okay, so that’s a bust, but he’s trying, right? Trying to give you your own space and be your own person. You didn’t notice?”

Roxas scrunched his nose up. “I did think he was being very un-Sora-like.” Riku snorted. Sora was being so incredibly Sora in the way he wasn’t being Sora, bring his full attention to everything, as always. “But I thought he was still just mad at me.”

“Maybe a little.” Riku wouldn’t pretend that he fully understood what went on in Sora’s brain, which was crowded with far too many emotions and feelings for Riku to ever hope to understand. “But he doesn’t want to push you away again.”

“Stupid,” Roxas mumbled, pulling his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs and looking very young. “Like he could.”

Riku took a bit of pity on him. It wasn’t his right to tell Roxas about Sora. Sora was scared of losing Roxas again, scared of pushing him away again, and he didn’t want it to happen where Roxas had finally found a home. That all was between brothers and the most Riku could do was try to convince Sora to spill. But … “I’ll tell you my part, if you want.”

Roxas looked up at him with curious eyes. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Riku agreed, because he had to say it all someday. He had to pull it out of himself, where he’d buried it down. If anyone deserved to hear it, it was Roxas. Sora already knew, had it carved into his heart, and Roxas was family too. Riku couldn’t say he was guiltless in Roxas’s decision to run away either. “I - I cleaned it out because I had to.”

“You look like you’re about to cry.”

“Shut up,” Riku said with no heat. “This isn’t easy, okay? I had to chain him to the stupid radiator. We were in the old house and I was gonna _watch him turn_. I woke up two days after he got bit and I knew - I _knew_ \- he was going to try to attack me. You might be brothers but you don’t know what it felt like, it was just me and I was alone too, okay?”

Riku felt Roxas’s hand on his elbow, a small comfort. “I’m so sorry-”

Riku waved it off. He didn’t want apologies from Roxas. “It doesn’t matter anymore.” It didn’t, that was the truth. It was in the past. It had left their scars on them, claws hooked deep in their skin, but they were slowly moving away, the hold on them lose. The nightmares became less. “It wasn’t your fault and it’s in the past. But - god, he gave me a speech about moving on and finding someone new to love, Roxas.”

Roxas squinted at him. “Would you?”

“I - I don’t know.” Riku was surprised to find the words were something that resembled the truth. “I mean, definitely not _then_ , I couldn’t -” He swallowed the words back and the tears that threatened to well up at the thought. He’d never been a crier but anytime he thought about that night, it seemed like someone else was inhabiting his body, a Riku who cried freely and openly and didn’t care. “Maybe I could now. I don’t know. It’s morbid, but I think about all the time. If he died in a car accident, would I have been able to move on? What if I was the one driving?” He sighed. He never knew the answers. He probably never would. “I dunno know that either, Rox. Would you?”

“People do and have.” Roxas hunched his shoulders up. “So I guess I’d have to too.”

It was easier said than done, of course. People died, always. People were always losing something, always, _always_. Even before this, every person in the world had or would know some form of loss. But outside the compound, when it could happen every second, it felt heavier, like the weight of the world on Riku’s shoulders. “I could have shot him,” Riku said quietly, the horrible secret that never was a secret because Sora had asked him to. It curled around his heart like barbed wire. “I couldn’t, but - if I had been stronger, I would have. I’d have ended this.”

“You never would have been able to,” Roxas said. “You’re like me. You - sometimes I feel like if I don’t let Sora go, I’ll just hurt him.”

Riku blinked, the weight of the words settling heavily into his chest. “I think I still feel like that, sometimes.” It was a heavy admission but he felt like it anyone could handle it, it was Roxas, who dragged it up in in the first place. He and Roxas _were_ the same, down in their core, the hatred and the worry and the anger that they had to work to smooth over, and now Roxas was standing up, eyes blazing.

“Yeah, well, that’s because you’re stupid,” Roxas announced, hands on his hips. Riku smiled, comfortable with this. This was the boy he’d grown up with, a little kid with too much fire and too much love, both in equal spades. “I’m also stupid. But, you know. Trying, right?” He held out his hand for a first bump.

Riku tapped his fist. “Yeah.”

\-----

It wasn’t quite a promise but Riku tried to fulfill it anyways, best he could. Trying to coax Sora into talking more. He tried, really, but Sora didn’t seem to want to talk about it and out of the two of them, Sora was by far better at getting people to talk when they thought they didn’t want to. He was always the one who came around, sliding his fingers into the spaces between Riku’s, asking him in that soft voice if he was ready to talk yet. Half the time, Riku hadn’t even realized something was wrong yet. And if he said no, Sora would understand, keep their fingers laced together, not pushing any more, and if he said yes, Sora would draw him aside. He’d usually have a piece of candy or a drink to offer as Riku would spill it all out while they drove around or hid under the bleachers or stayed tucked away in Riku’s big, empty bedroom.

Riku didn’t really know how to do that for him as well. He tried, of course, and Sora had always made it easy by wearing his emotions on his sleeve, by being a known entity for twenty-one years. But people forgot how stubborn Sora could be; it was hard to get anything out of him if he really didn’t want to let it be known. And whatever this was, he really didn’t want it to be known.

For a few days in a row, Sora was absent at dinner, Roxas catching Riku’s eye across the table. Naminé was absent too, though she often came in late, but they couldn’t say much - Aqua had been pretty clear that she didn’t want anyone to know, just in case. Riku could understand that sentiment. Hope was a little dangerous, and things worked so well in the little compound, everyone rotating between shifts and laughing and having rec nights with the board games they’d scavenged from the dorms and the town. Riku had even been coerced into a pick-up basketball game in one of the gyms last week

There wasn’t any tension in the air except for Riku, Roxas, and Kairi, the three of them focusing on their food. Axel and Xion were studiously ignoring them, although Roxas had admitted he’d told the two of them. They’d been able to tell he was upset, for which Riku was - well. Kind of grateful.

So the entirety of the dining hall was fine, eating dinner, laughing, except for their small table of five, the chair Sora should be in standing empty. Kairi leaned over the table, ignoring her soup even as her sleeve trailed in it. “If Sora doesn’t show up, will he even get dinner?”

Riku shrugged, pretending to be more confident than he felt. Kairi pursed her lips, clearly unimpressed with his show. She knew him too well. “I’ll say he wasn’t feeling well, and bring it upstairs.”

“That’s not gonna work forever,” Roxas pressed, dropping his spoon in his empty bowl. “Aqua needs to say something. He shouldn’t even be on regular shifts, he nearly fainted today pulling up some stupid carrots.”

“ _What_?” Kairi asked. “What are they even doing in there that he’s that tired-”

“Well, he’s just light a couple vials of blood or whatever-”

Sora hadn’t been taken off regular shifts, partially because that had been the point of whatever secret conversation he’d had while Riku was off calming Roxas down. Aqua didn’t want false hope spreading through the compound, figuring that anarchy might break out sooner or later if things went south, but Riku didn’t see how they could avoid it much longer, not when Ansem in the labs wanted Sora there more and more often, and Sora had bruises from the blood drawing permanently on both his arms.

Something - someone - had to break.

It was Roxas, first.

It was late, so late that Riku must have been lying awake for hours, Sora cradled in his arms. This rarely happened, but Sora was so tired that he could barely stand to eat the dinner Riku had brought up for him, with an extra bit of bread. He’d left half of it on the plate, even if he needed _more_ , not less, because he _was_ short on blood and his body needed fuel, but he wouldn’t, not even when Riku waved a hunk of the bread right next to his nose.

There was a brand-new bruise blooming right inside his elbow.

But when the knock came at the door, Sora was detangling himself from the comforter and Riku’s arms before Riku even registered that he had actually heard anything at all.

“It’s like two am,” Riku mumbled, reaching out to try and snag Sora’s shirt to bring him back to bed. He missed, his fingers swiping empty air.

“It’s Roxas,” Sora mumbled right back, swinging the door open. The college whiteboard, which proudly displayed SORA + RIKU, clacked with the movement.

“Hi,” Roxas’s voice said quietly. Riku rolled over, his back to the door. He should stop being surprised that Sora always knew when Roxas needed him. He just hadn’t been reminded in a while. But no matter where, Sora was attuned to his brother. “Can we talk?”

Sora, because he was an idiot, said “Sure, come in,” instead of something like _it’s two in the goddamn morning._ Riku gave up on sleep. “Can’t sleep?”

“No,” Roxas admitted. Riku heard him pad in. He heard the creak of the other bed and assumed that Sora and Roxas were sitting on the bare mattress. “How - how are you doing?”

Sora laughed; the sound clearly smothered by his hands. “ _That’s_ what you want to start with?”

“ _Sora_ ,” Roxas said, pained. Riku could imagine the expression on his face, the same one he _always_ had when he was so involved in his own feelings that he hurt Sora’s. Roxas had always had a habit of running away and then returning to apologize once he’d had a little time to cool down. And he _always_ returned to apologize.

“Sorry, sorry,” Sora apologized, still giggling. “Come here.”

Riku could imagine Roxas curling up against Sora, like he’d used to do when he was smaller and had a bad dream. Once he got comfortable, though, Roxas cut straight to the chase. “You’re still mad at me, aren’t you?”

“What?” Sora said, sounding surprised. “No.”

“Yes you are,” Roxas insisted. Riku had felt it too, sometimes bubbling up. He knew that old arguments, if unresolved, would always fester like this. He knew that because Sora had told him once, completely solemn, before spilling all his feelings because he didn’t want to carry around the anger forever, he wanted to talk about it, to fix them, to move forward. “Because I left and you got bit and you _keep lying to me_! You’re mad and you’re trying not to be, but I can take it, Sora, I can _always_ take it.”

“It’s been, like, nine months.” He sighed heavily, a sound that shivered down Riku’s spine, made him ache to roll over and reach out. “Do you _want_ me to still be angry?”

“Yeah, ‘cause you _never_ get angry with me, Sora, you just let me do whatever!”

“Fine!” Sora hissed. Riku couldn’t remember any time before that he’d ever sounded like this, so low and quiet and angry. “Yeah, I’m mad! Deep down, I’m _so_ mad, and I feel bad, even, because I know you hate it when I baby you, but you’re still just my kid brother, okay? I don’t know _how_ you could be so stupid and childish! I was _so worried_!”

Riku sighed, feeling Sora’s words resonate. He hadn’t brought it up, not wanting to push his own feelings into this discussion, because his were far less at the moment. He didn’t have the same bond that Sora and Roxas shared. Roxas _had_ been unbelievably stupid and selfish and childish, but he _was_ still just a kid sometimes, they all were. He’d only been fourteen when everything had gone to hell, and he’d had grown up like this, carrying around pain that he couldn’t share because everyone had pain, carrying around the feeling of being nothing more than a burden for _years_. Riku, too, felt almost guilty for being so mad at him. He _understood_ , in an odd way.

Sora sounded like he was crying and trying to stifle it.

“I’m sorry,” Roxas was saying, trying to calm him. He was keeping quiet, at least. Sora had always been a quiet crier. “I’m sorry, I am. I’m _so_ sorry for leaving, Sora, I really -” he sounded like he was crying too. Rare enough, but then Sora had always been good at pulling out those deep emotions, at getting to the root of the problem so that the weeds could be pulled out. “I was just so mad. You never let me do anything! You never trusted me.”

Sora sniffled. “That’s why - that’s why I was trying not to be so mad _now_ ,” he said softly. “Because it was kind of my fault. I was trying to protect you, instead of trusting you.” He hiccupped. “It was dangerous out there! I couldn’t stop, I just - I wanted you to be safe.”

“And I can’t want to do the same?”

“Of course you can!” Sora sounded so surprised to hear it, though, like he’d never given that a thought. “Rox, you were never a burden to me. I’m actually - I’m really proud of you. I mean, I wish this all had never happened, but - I really am. You should have graduated this year and I would have been so stupidly proud of that too but instead I’m proud of how you’ve handled a fucking apocalypse!” Sora sighed, anger leaving him. It was always just a quick burst, there in a flash like a lit match burnt out too quickly. “You had so much on your plate, I didn’t want to add more.”

“I wanted you to!” Roxas’s voice was rising. Possibly the people next door could hear him, Riku wasn’t sure how thick the walls were. His guess was _not very_. This was a college dorm, after all, they were engineered to make you hate your neighbors. Hopefully Xion would forgive them. “I didn’t want you to have to do it all alone, you weren’t even in college yet! I know – I know it wasn’t your fault but it was _killing_ me that you wouldn’t trust me!”

“Shh!” It sounded like Sora slapped a hand over Roxas’s mouth. “Roxas, I am sorry, both for doing it and for not realizing I was doing it. I just – I wanted to help, that’s all.”

“So did I, but you only let Riku,” Roxas mumbled, so quietly that Riku had to strain to hear it. “You never let me into your club. Even _now_ you aren’t letting me into your club.”

“The club where we’re dating,” Sora said skeptically. “ _That’s_ the secret club you want into - _ow_!”

“Fuck you, no, I don’t want into your club!” Roxas ignored Sora’s soft _aw, Rox, we can have our own club!_ and continued over him, still more loudly then he should be. “I _meant_ that you can trust me too. But it’s always you and Riku.”

“Rox, you’re not any less important to me than he is.” Sora didn’t sound surprised. Neither was Riku, really. Whenever Roxas used to get self-serious, Sora would flick him, teasing him about being jealous until Roxas would push him back, laughing and telling Sora to _get real, I’d never be jealous of that nerd_ and they’d both start throwing chips at Riku, cracking up. “It’s just different for us.”

“I _know_ that,” Roxas snapped. “But you’re always taking care of me and Riku, and – you just lean on him more and I wanted to _prove_ that I could be okay and – and that you didn’t have to take care of me.”

Riku pressed his hand against his eyes, stopping tears. Roxas’s jealousy wasn’t new, it had come up thousands of times their whole life. Riku could never begrudge Roxas that, not when he understood how intoxicating and thrilling it was to have the full, unshared weight of Sora’s smile. So when Roxas begged for Sora to take him to the mall or to the beach, just the two of them, Riku had never pushed back, just hung out with Kairi or did homework and relied on the frequent selfies that Sora would send.

He’d never thought about how much Sora was giving up to take care of them, to make sure they kept smiling. Handling their hearts with gentle hands, the same hands that held guns to temples if needed. It was so easy to believe that Sora would never fail, but Roxas had wanted to _leave_ to alleviate that burden, to make sure he could never drag Sora down. Roxas had noticed. Roxas had wanted to solve the problem. Even if he’d gone about it a bit wrong, he’d wanted to change something. He really was so much older now.

“I’m sorry,” Sora repeated. “I should have realized -” the end of words got pinched off and nasally, and Riku imagined that Roxas had tried his favorite trick of simply pinching Sora’s nose closed to get him to stop talking.

“No,” Roxas said. “Ew, don’t lick me, you _shouldn’t_ have. You can’t go around taking all the blame for this! We both fucked up, okay? We both did. We both made decisions and some of them were stupid and it’s _both_ our faults.”

There was a long pause as Sora digested this. “You know,” he said, voice clear again. “You’ve really grown up. It makes me almost a little sad. You’re a whole big kid now.”

“Clearly _you_ aren’t,” Roxas grumbled. “Someone had to be! So? Ready to tell me what happened?”

“Oh,” Sora said, like the whole conversation circling back around to this was a surprise. He’d been trying to give himself a little more time before having to actually talk, clearly, but Roxas saw right through that. “Um.”

“Sora, not telling me now is just doing the _same_ thing!”

“Yeah,” Sora agreed, then he grunted. “Hey, don’t _hit_ me! I’m not perfect!”

“I’m _well aware_ ,” Roxas teased. “Or I wouldn’t be here.”

“Rub it in, why don’t you,” Sora mumbled, but Roxas didn’t respond. He just waited. Waited for his brother to align with him, two gears slightly caught against each other until the tiniest adjustment set them turning again. It was long enough that Riku’s eyes drifted close, sure that Sora wasn’t ready to say anything, but then he spoke up, so sudden and soft that Riku had to strain to hear him.

Roxas exhaled as Sora spoke, loud but controlled, like he’d known all along he’d get Sora to spill even if Riku hadn’t been so sure.

“I got bit right before you left. I mean - _right_ before. There was, um, an infected was coming for you. It was me or you, Rox, you know? And I don’t regret it, and I won’t apologize for that that’s not - that’s -” Sora cut off. Riku hoped Roxas would understand, thought he would: all three of them would have done it in an instant for each other. It was protection and love and Sora’s damn kindness, always. “Anyway, you pushed me off and you went into that classroom. It _wasn’t_ your fault. I’d have done it for anyone, not just you.”

“But I left the zone-”

“Don’t,” Sora snapped. “Don’t play that game. You left the zone, but I caused that. If you don’t want me to protect you, that’s fine, really, but you _have_ to deal. You can’t break down. You _can’t_ feel guilty. We have to get through this.”

It was easier said than done, of course. Sora always talked as if it was so easy to shrug off the problems, when he was living proof that it wasn’t always as easy as it seemed. As if just saying it could wash away guilt and overprotectiveness and anything else that might search them out. But when he spoke, it all sounded true. He created truth from each word.

“Pinky-promise,” Roxas swore. Sacred, unbreakable. Neither of them had ever broken one, as far Riku was aware.

“Wait, before we do - I can’t tell you about Vanitas yet.”

“ _Sora!_ ”

“I’m not ready,” Sora whispered. So quiet, but Riku could still hear every word, his whole body attuned to Sora. “I’m - it hurts, Rox. You can ask Riku to tell you, or Kairi. You can tell them I said it was okay. But I _can’t_ say it.”

There was silence. “Okay,” Roxas said. “I’ll still pinky swear. You can tell me when you’re ready.”

“It might be forever.”

“It won’t be.” He said it so easily, faith unwavering.

They were quiet for a long time, so long that Riku wondered if they’d both fallen asleep curled up on the other bed, so long that Riku had given up on them saying anything else and was halfway to sleep, suddenly much warmer and more comfortable.

“Hey, Sora?”

Sora yawned. “Yeah?”

“I’m really happy for you and Riku.”

Riku could practically feel the force of Sora’s smile, even if he couldn’t see it in the dark. “Thanks, Roxas,” he said genuinely, all that sunshine stuffed into one human boy. “I’m really happy too. And I’m glad you’re happy too.”

It was easy to fall asleep after that.

When Riku woke up the next morning, he was still in bed alone, the sheets all bunched around his legs because it was almost summer, things were getting hot. Sora was sleeping sitting up in the dorm bed, Roxas asleep in his lap, hand fisted in Sora’s shirt. Riku grinned at them as he stood up, stretching his arms above his head.

“Hey,” Sora whispered hoarsely, cracking open one eye. He winced.

“Let me guess, you’re in tons of pain right now.” Riku offered the water bottle that was half-full and sitting on the dresser.

“ _So_ much,” Sora whispered, raising a hand to grab the water bottle. He made a face and then swallowed the entire bottle. “Worth it, though.”

Riku glanced at Roxas, completely knocked out. He didn’t even stir when Sora shifted a little bit, trying to get circulation back to his legs. He’d probably been sitting like this the whole night, completely passed out. Sora could sleep through just about anything. “You get it all figured out?”

“Turns out he’s really grown up,” Sora admitted. Not that Roxas looked it right now, fast asleep and drooling a little bit. He looked five, honestly. “Came to talk to me all by himself and everything.”

“I’m glad,” Riku said truthfully, letting Sora pass the water bottle back to him. He leaned over the end of the bed. “I – when I talked to him, I could tell. It’s not easy to be the grown-up.”

“I know,” Sora agreed, grinning. “I’ve been trying to teach you how to do it for years.”

Riku let out a laugh, louder than he meant. As if Sora could ever be the adult. “I’m older than you.”

“I’m wiser, though,” Sora said knowingly.

Riku waited a moment. “Yeah, probably,” he admitted, something in his chest blooming with Sora’s smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yall idk how i still have so much to go in this fic


	9. Chapter 9

Sora took care of Riku in Traverse Town for _months_ , carefully helping him walk around and bringing him meals and putting on that happy face. Even after Riku _had_ started to move around on rickety crutches, Sora had made sure he got the easy shifts, like cooking or inventory. Things that kept him out of harm’s way. Riku was grateful for it, even if it rankled at him to be stuck in a chair like there was a chain around his ankle. If he didn’t heal, he couldn’t protect Sora either. He was lucky, _so_ lucky, that he’d heal at all. That his broken ribs hadn’t punctured a lung. That he hadn’t broken a weight-bearing bone. That the only thing that didn’t work properly were his fingers, a little stiff and crooked now.

Riku stretched his leg out carefully in front of him. He didn’t really know what had broken, he couldn't name any bones, but it was healing fine now, so long as he was careful to use the crutches. He didn’t remember them resetting the bone, because apparently, he blacked out from the pain several times. “You don’t have to baby me.”

Sora paused in his wandering around their little room, a shoe in one hand. “Yes I do.” His jaw was set, his voice stubborn. Riku nabbed him and drew him in close, Sora fitting neatly in between Riku’s knees, but Riku’s hands on his hips didn’t ease the tense slope of his shoulders. “You have to be okay.”

“I am okay.”

“ _More_ okay,” Sora insisted, sliding his hands under Riku’s shirt, so carefully, over the bandages around Riku’s chest. “You have to heal completely, because I said so.”

“I’m gonna.”

“ _Promise_ me.” As if Riku could make it true with a simple promise. “I can’t lose you, Riku, okay? I - I can’t.”

Riku tilted forward until his forehead hit Sora’s chest. “You won’t,” he promised, even though he wasn’t supposed to promise things like that. They couldn’t have promises in times like this but Riku let one fall from his lips anyway, knowing Sora would believe it, wanting more than anything for it to be true. “I know you’re stressed about Roxas right now-”

“What does Roxas have do with this?”

“I’m the reason you haven’t found him yet,” Riku mumbled. It had been months now, the snow had buried them, and Riku knew it to be true. The only reason they were still here in Traverse Town was him and he could tell Sora was upset by it, for how much he paced. Riku would bet he was treading a path through the already-worn rug. “You’d be with him if it weren’t for me.”

“What?” Sora repeated, furrowing his brow. “Riku, I don’t - of course I miss him, but he’s safe. I mean, I hope he’s safe, but. I have to believe he’s safe. I know he is.”

“You don’t have to make me feel better,” Riku told him. He wished Sora would get mad. Sora never got mad, he kept it all bottled up, and Riku couldn’t judge him for that, because he did it too, but just _once_ , he wanted Sora to get blindingly mad at him. “I know you’re mad.”

“ _Mad_?” Sora said incredulously. Before this all, he might have pushed out of Riku’s arms but this time, he carefully disentangled himself, mindful of Riku’s fingers and ribs and his leg and his everything. “What are you - I’m not _mad_! I - you _scared_ me, Riku, I thought I’d lost you! I thought you were dead, I thought-” and then he was crying.

Riku reached out, unsure if Sora would let him touch him, but Sora folded back into his arms so easily, let Riku hold him. “I’m sorry,” he whispered quietly. He’d misunderstood it all.

“I’ve never come so close to losing you,” Sora sobbed, arms around Riku’s neck. “I don’t know what I’d do if I did, Riku.”

Riku had heard him. In the darkness, in the abyss, Sora’s voice calling to him. More desperate than anything Riku had ever heard, and he kept wanting to call out, to promise that he was fine but he kept succumbing. Sora’s fingers wrapped around his good hand were his only anchor, tethering him to this life. He’d never wanted to them to be a matched set like this, both of them truly facing the others death. Sora would never say it, but everyone else in Traverse Town knew that as much as he kept faith, he thought Riku really might die. He _begged_ Riku not to, begged him to come back.

So Riku understood that. He understood losing people. He’d been about to lose Sora himself, about to becoming just one in the world instead of a pair. He understood losing people.

This situation – now this Riku understood less. It wasn’t exactly the same now. Riku was bringing Sora his meals and making sure he got enough sleep, but he was losing Sora in a different way. Sora wasn’t dying, but shrinking, quieter, less. He spent every moment in the labs after he’d been officially pulled off work duty after passing out on a routine wall inspection. Riku hadn’t been on it, he’d heard the gossip second hand, just walked in to grab his lunch and heard someone say, “Well, haven’t you heard about Sora? Apparently, he’s _immune_ , he’s been in the labs! Guess that’s why he passed out-”

He wasn’t prepared to lose Sora like this, but Sora wanted to save the world. So he took care of Sora the best he could. Brought him food, water, coaxed him out of the labs where Ansem and the others made him answer questions about where he was born and his allergies and had he been exposed to toxins as a young child, like maybe certain paints?

Riku hated, more than anything, not being able to do anything. To come into the dining hall, like today, and not see Sora’s familiar hair anywhere. He double-checked, even - Sora was so friendly he could be sitting anywhere. But Riku could only see Kairi at a table near the door, sitting with Xion. She waved him over with a grim look on her face.

Riku turned back to Demyx. “Did Sora-”

Demyx was already shaking his head. “I haven’t seen him at all today.” He offered up the tray, laden down with extra vegetables and a double helping of soup. They all already knew what Riku was going to ask, they already knew the answer. Everyone watched out for Sora, or at least, they knew Riku did.

Riku grit his teeth. “Thanks, Demyx.” He balanced Sora’s try on top of his, heading for the door. Kairi caught his eye and followed, leaving her tray behind with Xion in favor of helping Riku through the door. She also took the glasses of water so that Riku could balance better.

She held one of them up, her eyes huge and worried from the distortion. “Sora’s?”

“Who else,” Riku ground out, stepping out into the hot air. They were fully in summer now, the sun beating down and just begging to turn Riku’s skin bright red. He’d take it, if he could have Sora next to him soaking up the sun. But Sora seemed paler, lacking the tantalizing freckles that always cropped up on the bridge of his nose. “They keep him in the labs all the time, Kairi, I haven’t seen him at all today. He didn’t even eat lunch. They didn’t let him leave for _lunch-_ ”

Kairi held open the door to the labs with him. Riku blinked against the sudden electric lights; the labs were the only places that had it, besides the electric gates. He’d grown used to stumbling his way through the dark, using candles and flashlights if they had any to spare. Riku would know the four corners of his room blind. “I know.”

“This is exactly what I _knew_ would happen,” Riku hissed. He could feel his strides getting faster and faster, leaving Kairi behind.

She didn’t stand for that, she slammed her hand out, blocking Riku from entering the actual labs. “Hey. You’re right, but Sora did too, okay?” She narrowed her eyes at him. “He can fight his own battles, Riku.”

Riku looked down, heat crawling up the back of his neck. Sora’s extra tray had clearly been carefully prepared by Demyx. He’d given him lots of extra broccoli, which he liked, and the soup had a hunk of bread at its side. She was right, of course, she always was. “You’re right, Kairi.” He didn’t like it but running into the labs, furious, was definitely a good way to get shot.

“That’s what I’m here for.”

She deserved a better job that reminding him he was stupid, but Riku let it go, scrounging up a bad joke even though he wasn’t in a laughing mood. “I thought you were here to groan about how you don’t have a girlfriend.”

“Fuck _off_ ,” Kairi said, elbowing him in the side. She didn’t even spill the water, either, which was both impressive and annoying him. She stuck her tongue out at him, grin on her face, and then pushed open the door. “Hi, Sora!”

Sora was sitting on one of the tables, spine ramrod straight, and he beamed when Riku came in. “Hi guys,” he said happily. It couldn’t disguise the deep purple smudges under his eyes. Even was drawing blood. Sora didn’t seem that bothered by it anymore.

“I brought dinner.” Riku held up the tray. “Spare a minute?”

They hated to let him leave the labs now that they’d convinced Terra to pull him off shifts. Naminé advocated for him, and he was much more likely to come to dinner if she was there, but she couldn’t be in the labs always.

Only Sora was given that privilege.

“Sure,” Sora said, looking at Even, who pulled back with a test tube of his blood. “Do you need me for anything?”

“No, of course not,” Naminé said pointedly. In the corner, Ansem gave a harrumph. She shooed them out anyways, closing the door behind her before Riku could ask if she wanted to join them.

Sora dug into the soup, sitting on the steps in the sunlight, and Riku reached up and smoothed a thumb over those dark purple circles. Sora grinned at him around the spoon, clearly not worried at all, not like Kairi and Riku were.

He just wanted to save people.

\-----

Sometimes, Riku woke up from dreams suffocating, the memory of a boot print bruised into his skin, right above his heart. It didn’t matter if the boot itself was long gone, it remained in every aching breath Riku took, like he could still it there pressing him down into the dirt.

The first person Riku had ever shot was in every heaving waking breath.

They’d been new to this. Still dodging infected instead of killing them, seeing people with lives instead of husks. But it had been raiders, not infected.

The dream always started the same way - of course it did, it was a memory. He still remembered with lightning clarity the feeling up waking up in the tent, unable to place what had woken him.  He only knew that he was awake, it was dark out, and that his heart was beating a paranoid staccato against his ribs. None of that was uncommon, he could even hear Sora and Roxas talking outside the tent in low, muffled voices. According to the glowing numbers on his watch, Roxas had this shift. It was equally as likely that Sora had woken up in the middle of the night and gotten lonely as it was that Roxas had shaken him awake, wanting a moment to talk to his brother alone, without Riku to overhear.

They often argued, lately, and this sounded like one too; the words, though quiet, were sharp and pointed, burrowing through the thin fabric of the tent. Riku could hear brief bits of the conversation, things like _Destiny Islands_ and _safe zone_ and _well, what about Ven?_ It was an argument so worn-down that Riku didn’t feel guilty about continuing to listen, since he’d heard it a thousand times.

If Riku closed his eyes, he could believe that he was lying in a blanket fort, spending the night at Sora’s. He and Sora would both be in the living room, like they always were, feet stretched out into the open air where they couldn’t quite make the fort big enough. When they were much younger, Riku would wake up to find that Roxas had crawled in with them, getting lonely in his room, but Riku and Sora had continued the blanket forts and sleepovers long past time that Roxas would have nightmares and cry in the middle of the night. They did it all the way until high school, at which point Roxas would roll his eyes and claim he was too cool for blanket forts.

Riku pulled the sleeping bag up, even though it was a little too short and he had to fold his legs awkwardly to do it. If Sora were in the tent, he’d be curled up right against Riku, keeping him warm, but as it was, Riku was a little chilly. But he’d fallen asleep to the gentle sounds of Sora and Roxas arguing before, and he’d do it again: the brothers had always been prone to annoying each other but it was rare that a single argument would last through the night. When he woke up, things would be back to normal. As normal as they could be.

He closed his eyes. The ground shook, just a little bit.

Riku pressed his palm face-down, focusing, and then he felt it again, just a slight tremor, a rattle too big to be the wind. Something big was moving. He sat up, shoving his way out of the tent as quietly as he could.

Outside there was a cool wind blowing, almost painful after the warm tent. Roxas and Sora were lying at the edge of the roof, both their heads swiveling in unison to frown at Riku. They hadn’t noticed, then. He put an unnecessary finger to his lips; they’d all learned how to shut up by now.

The roof shook again, just a bit, as headlights veered closer on the highway. Riku dropped to his stomach, crawling alongside Sora, whose eyes were wide and black in the dark, to look over the edge.

From the headlights alone, he could tell it was a big car. Probably military grade, possibly stolen. Military wouldn’t care about three kids on the rooftop, but raiders might. There was no way of knowing which it was. Dread and fear and adrenaline turned Riku’s blood to ice, gave him the desperate drive to do something, anything, to _run_ and never look back, even if he knew the smartest answer was to not move at all.

This town was small and empty, but nothing was ever a ghost town these days. It had a lot of infected wandering around, most of them trapped in houses or backyards. So they hadn’t stopped to sightsee, instead of just choosing the nearest rooftop to the highway to camp out on. Whoever used to live here must have gotten the same rumble as trucks passed by, growing steadily bigger like an avalanche.

The headlights stopped, blinding the infected that had the misfortune to cross the highway at the time. It swiveled, mouth opening in a howl, and then two more slunk out from behind cars, ready to hunt, but they didn’t know what Riku knew, which was that the enemy was in an armored car and had no fear. The car revved and hit the first one dead on with a disgusting crunch.

Bile rose up in Riku’s throat as they continued on and he gagged on it, forcing it down with tears in his eyes. Down below, the gun came out, framed in the light. They all expected it, but Sora winced as they heard a gunshot, then another, the echo ringing in their ears like a warning siren.

Two more infected collapsed.

Riku chanced moving his hand, just a bit, so that his pinky was against Sora’s elbow. It didn’t settle Sora, who was still tense like an anxious animal ready to bolt. Whoever was in that car on the highway could probably hear all three of their heartbeats, so loud they were deafening, but maybe the laughter was drowning it out.

Because the shooter _was_ laughing, car door open. The sound of it grated down Riku’s spine, wrapping around his throat like insistent, burning fingers, and he suppressed a shiver. He’d heard laughter like that far too often recently, the deranged laughter of someone who the end of the world had ruined, and he couldn’t _breathe_ for how it scared him.

The shooter stalked in front of the headlights, calling back to whoever was in the truck. He poked the dead infected, illuminated and bloody in the light, with the end of his rifle, then turned back. Riku chanced a breath - they were happy to run the body over and leave but -

Then there was the sweeping beam of a flashlight, scraping over them. They were already statues, Roxas was holding his breath, but Riku willed them to _become_ the roof, to be concrete and nothing human at all.

 If they didn’t move - if they just didn’t move, it would be fine. It had to be. The wind swept over them, prickling at the back of Riku’s neck and blowing dirt and dust into his eyes but he couldn’t even blink, because if he blinked, he might move just enough to be seen. There wasn’t _time_ for this. Not when they had food to find. It was getting cold, fall threatening to break into winter.

The beam caught them.

The running, now that Riku didn’t remember well. He thought that Sora had practically thrown him from the edge of the roof, where the ground sloped up high, then tossed Roxas over as well. They had to leave the tent behind, but Riku wouldn’t realize that until later. It was just a desperate _desperate_ run through a town they didn’t know, praying. All it took was one second, maybe two, for Sora and Roxas to round the corner, one-two seconds out of his sightline.

He was immediately slammed to the ground by a raider he couldn’t see, the boot settling heavily over his heart, threatening to crack him in two. He turned his cheek to the mud, straining to see. On the ground like this, he could perfectly see the soles of Roxas’s boots leave the ground as another raider caught him by the throat, lifting him up.

Sora was on the ground too. If he was seeing any of this, he’d have done something, but instead he stared up at the sky, completely unmoving. Whatever the raiders had done to him in those one-two-three seconds, they clearly thought he wasn’t a problem anymore.

Roxas made a choked-off noise as those fingers pressed into his flesh. It was awful to hear him trying to breath, every shuddery breath pressing against Riku, clawing down his spine. Roxas scrabbled ineffectually at the man’s arm, pushing at his jaw, but his strength was fading fast, his legs spasming like a dying bug. He was just a kid.

Riku pressed his hand against the grass, trying to force himself up.

Roxas was having the life pulled out of him, each breath cut off. _Get up_ , Riku begged his body. His vision was swimming, in and out, the grass under his palms razor sharp. _Get up, he’s dying, get up!_

“Shit, you’re just kids,” the man laughed. He didn’t seem inclined to stop crushing Roxas’s windpipe with this observation. Roxas’s head started to fall back, blond hair turned silver in the moonlight.

Riku found his knife. He found his strength.

But he still woke up suffocating every now and then. He’d open his eyes and it would be so overwhelmingly dark that he’d wonder if he died and then he’d hear a noise, like a door clicking, or the wind blowing, or Sora in his sleep, and he’d realize he was fine, just fine, and if he took a breath, it’d be perfectly clear.

But Sora wasn’t here tonight. He hadn’t been there when Riku had fallen asleep, either, exhausted because he’d tried to stay up. He’d appeared at dinner briefly, both him and Naminé disappearing into the labs the second their broth had disappeared, filled with excitement, so Riku had been sad but not all that surprised to fall asleep before Sora even returned.

But now it was - Riku lifted his arm to the sliver of moonlight to check his watch face - almost midnight. Far too long to be in the labs.

He sat up, unease curling through him, the sweat coating his body making him shiver.

He hadn’t killed either of the raiders. He’d stabbed the one pressing him into the earth, he’d shot the other in the shoulder, even though he knew the noise would draw attention. He’d pulled Sora up off the ground, Sora clearly concussed, and grabbed Roxas by the collar, helping him find his feet. Roxas had been moving the second he had air, the both of them half-dragging Sora behind them.

They’d left the two raiders. For dead, most likely.

Riku made his way down the stairs, waving at Axel on the night guard, who was flipping through a four-year old _Vogue_. Axel seemed largely unconcerned with anything as Riku shoved through the front doors. He was tired. He could feel it in every step he took, could feel it like roots wrapping around his ankles.

There was something a little soothing about being outside, though. Knowing, almost completely, that he was safe. That he was outdoor in nothing but his T-shirt and pajama bottoms, no guns or knives or holsters. Just the window cooling him down, making him shiver even though it was humid and hot.

The labs lights were on full-force, of course, making Riku squint so that he had to follow the sound of laughter - laughter? - through the hallways until he reached the lab. “Sora?”

Sora and Naminé were leaned over a microscope, Naminé pointing something out. She had a huge smile on her face, as did Ansem, and one of the other men, a big guy named Aelous or Aolous or something like that, was staring off into the distance with a dazed look on his face. Even and Ienzo had hundreds of papers spread out across the tables.

Whatever the energy in the room was, it didn’t feel like it was midnight in these labs. It felt like everyone was wide awake, even Sora, who lifted his head and saw Riku standing there.

“Riku!” He pushed away from the microscope. “What are you doing here?”

“It’s late.” Riku crossed his arms. He wondered if _any_ of the scientists ever got sleep. It sure didn’t seem liked it. It seemed like they ran on nothing, like they weren’t human at all. Riku wasn’t sure he’d ever seen Ansem _eat_. “Really late.”

“Science can’t be stopped, young man!” Ansem said heartily, raising up a pen like it was a glass, but Riku was in no mood to be joyous.

“It’ll stop if you push him so hard he passes out again,” he snarled, and then the party was over.

“Riku,” Naminé said, looking a little apologetic. She had dark circles under her eyes too. Riku immediately felt bad for yelling at her. “I’m sorry it’s so late, I should have been watching-”

“It’s fine, Naminé.” Sora’s mouth was set in a firm line. “It _is_ late. Bye, everyone.”

He pushed his chair back. He didn’t reach out for Riku like he was so prone to do, just walked by him, shoulders stiff.

He didn’t say anything the whole way back to the dorms. Axel gave them a sleepy wave when they came through the doors, but the look on Sora’s face was enough that he simply hid behind his magazine again.

Riku didn’t know why Sora came back here. It was clear they were going to fight. The tension spread out through the air as they walked until it coated the entire campus and now it was being stuffed in their tiny room. Riku would have preferred if they’d gone to the gardens or the benches. Somewhere where Sora could pace.

He closed the door behind them with a soft click.

Sora pulled off his shirt, the moonlight catching the tense planes of his shoulder blades and casting shadows like wings. He dropped the shirt on the ground, where Riku would probably pick it up later, and took in a deep breath, wings expanding.

“You’re mad,” Riku said, before he could say anything. He looked at the shirt, crumpled up, instead of at Sora.

Sora let the breath go, a long hiss. “Yeah, a _bit_.” He turned around, crossed his arms. The fire in his eyes that Riku once used to know so well was back, burning so bright that Riku could barely believe it ever faded. When was the last time Sora had been mad at him? Months? Years? He was too forgiving. “You just threw a temper tantrum in the _labs_! Coming to get me like I’m five, I - _yes_ , I’m mad.”

“Sorry.” It wouldn’t be enough, of course, it wasn’t enough to just say sorry, but it was all Riku had against Sora’s silence, against his narrowed eyes. Riku pursed his lips, trying to tamp down the annoyance that was threatening to rise up, to overwhelm him.

“Are you?” Sora asked and Riku almost snapped back, because of _course_ he was, but - he didn’t know if he was. All he knew was the roots around his ankles and the circles under Sora’s eyes. Wasn’t he _supposed_ to step in, to make sure Sora was taken care of if he wouldn’t do it himself? “Because it doesn’t seem like you are. What it seems like, to me, is that you’re trying to shoulder everything and you don’t care what’s happening around you. Like _me_ , and what _I_ want to do.”

Riku’s breath caught in his throat, anger rising up. “I was just trying to _help_.”

“Nope,” Sora replied. “Want to try again?”

Sora had never played this game before. This wasn’t how things usually went. Something had gone more wrong than Riku had expected. He’d overstepped. But the way things were going, they’d been going wrong a long time, and Riku couldn’t have known that if he hadn’t been told. All he knew was what he saw. “You aren’t _taking care_ of yourself, Sora! If you don’t, then I do, see?”

“Closer, but not quite. Wanna take another guess?”

Sometimes he was so infuriating, like this was a quiz in class instead of their lives. “You clearly _know_ the answer,” Riku said, frustrated. “Why can’t you just tell me?”

“Because I can’t be the only reason you don’t go backwards,” Sora cried, spreading his hands out before him like laying out a set of cards, options and excuses that Riku could pick from and play his hand. “ _That’s_ why I’m mad, Riku, because you don’t want to understand where you’re going wrong!”

Riku picked his card. “Well, you haven’t _told_ me anything!”

“I shouldn’t have to!” Sora said, then swallowed, lowering his voice as if realizing the entire dorm was probably able to hear their conversation. “Riku, _you’re_ the one upset! Not me!”

“You’re yelling at me _right now_ -”

“Yeah, I’m mad right _now_.” Sora was pacing back and forth even though there was no room. He took four steps and hit the wall, turning around, having to step out of his way to avoid running into Riku, who didn’t particularly feel like moving. He was grounded to the floor. “But you’ve been upset for _months_. Did you even notice? Or were you just hoping I wouldn’t let it go? Because I _won’t_ let it go, I’ll never let it go, but I can’t be the only one! You have to stop relying on me alone to tell you any time you’re upset!”

“I’m not _upset_ ,” Riku snapped, hands curling into fists. Distantly he realized that yeah, in fact, he was _really_ upset. He was lying. He was on fire. “I’m worried about you, that’s all!”

“Is that why you’re acting like my mom?”

Riku threw his hands up. He didn’t know how to make Sora see anything, didn’t know how to stop him from falling downhill. Couldn’t make Sora see that that’s what Riku was trying to do, to temper the damage that was surely coming. “You aren’t taking caring of yourself!”

“You yelled at Ansem in the labs today!” Sora turned his face away, jaw clenched, shoulders tense. “There’s something more and I’m _always_ the only one thinking about it. The last time I felt like you’d do anything to keep me safe no matter the cost to yourself, you broke up with me!”

Riku flinched like he’d actually been struck, as if Sora had reached out and slapped him. It hadn’t been on his mind. He didn’t even know what he was doing wrong right now. Being a little overbearing? Trying to take care of him? He didn’t know where he’d gone astray, not at all. He’d thought he’d been doing okay, even if his stress levels were constantly up. “I’m not going to do that again.”

“Then you have to explain to me why this is different,” Sora said. Riku sucked in a breath of the too-humid air and tried not to get lost in the middle of their darkened room. “Because it feels _just_ like that, Riku. It feels like you’re going to take on everything again and let it suffocate the both of us, _again_. I don’t wanna be unhappy again.”

“I don’t either,” Riku said, practically tripping over the words, needing to get them out before they suffocated him, like he was drowning again on Destiny Islands. He’d reached out to touch Sora but Sora was fire too, electricity sparking so that if Riku touched him, he’d get a shock. “I don’t - I don’t want that. I didn’t - I didn’t realize I was doing that.” Because he _had_ promised he would getter better, hadn’t he? He’d _said_ he’d try to let go of the guilt that dragged him down into the mud, to stop shouldering the weight of the world. To treat Sora as a partner.

“So _tell_ me,” Sora said, and he gifted Riku by holding his hands, a sure sign that enough of the initial anger had faded, even if the argument wasn’t over, the problem still unsolved. Sora didn’t like to be touched when he was mad. But he was reaching out now, thumbs pressing against Riku’s pulse. “Are you stressed? Are you scared? Are you hungry and just annoyed?” This, now this was familiar, the way he’d just coax Riku into talking until Riku talked himself into finding out what the problem was, like a ridiculously emotional round of word association.

Riku let Sora draw him out. “I’m - I’m tired?” He felt lost. “I - got worried. I woke up without you. I never see you anymore and it’s stressing me out.”

“Okay, good.” Sora gave Riku a tight grin. Sometimes Riku wondered if Sora had been put on this earth to understand him like no one else could, but he was beginning to realize that was the problem. “Well, not _good_ , I’m sorry you feel that way, but - good that you know.  What else?”

“You aren’t getting enough rest.”

“Okay,” Sora said, leaning back. “Thank you for realizing that. I wish you’d talked to me about it. But - Riku, you aren’t _responsible_ for me or my health. You’re my partner, not my mom. I need you to support me and my decisions, even if they’re really stupid.”

Riku swallowed. He felt absurdly stupid for having this pointed out to him, for not noticing, but that was part of the problem, of course. “I - logically know that,” he said softly, and felt all the anger Sora had pulled out of him, every worry and fear, disappear into the warm air. “But I want to take care of you. You’re too thin.”

“You can do both! Like whenever you bring me food in the labs, it makes me feel like you care about what I’m trying to do and you just want to help me by the best.”

Riku was grateful for the darkness, so that Sora couldn’t see his reddening cheeks. “Oh.”

Sora grinned, his teeth white against the shadows of his face, a breath of fresh air. “Sometimes taking care of me _is_ just supporting me.” Riku was beginning to see that Sora had planned this, clearly. Maybe he’d been rehearsing this speech for ages. He’d been thinking about it, had been worrying about Riku reopening old scars in a way that Riku hadn’t even contemplated, and guilt settled in Riku’s stomach. “I just wish you’d _talk_ to me. It took you months and I’m still the one talking first! You – you wanting to take care of me can’t be an excuse to ignore me and – and it can’t be an excuse for you not taking care of yourself.”

Riku looked down at his hands, caught up in Sora’s. Ensnared like the fishing nets back home. They’d use to always joke about catching mermaids. “I - okay. I know that.” He didn’t. Not really. Maybe for an instant, caught up in the euphoria of being able to hold Sora’s hand again, of being able to let his heart free, maybe he’d truly known. But that was gone now, suffocated under Riku’s own doing.

“Do you?” Sora didn’t seem to care about the answer, possibly knowing what it was already. He wasn't in the habit of pressing so hard that he left bruises. Riku felt a little raw anyways. He released Riku’s hands and pulled off his jeans. He threw himself onto the bed. “Come over here. I don’t want to go to bed mad.”

Riku went. Was that it, then? Was Sora really just going to leave it at that, even when Riku gave that sorry excuse of an answer, an answer that wouldn’t convince anyone. _I know that_. Did he? Would he? He’d known that before, and here he was again, lost. “Are you just - are we done? You’re just gonna trust me to do better?”

“Of course I do,” Sora said, so easily, like they hadn’t been arguing. “You listened. You know what’s wrong now. I trust you.”

Riku sucked in a breath. “How long have you been worrying.” Not a question. He knew Sora had been, could tell in his aborted movements, the way he was trying to keep his breath even and not choke on his words.

Sora threw his leg over Riku’s. “You don’t remember much of when your broke your ribs, right?”

Riku startled, almost sitting up again, but Sora’s arm across his chest forcibly pushed him back down. “That long?”

“Do you remember?”

“Not really.” He remembered the pain of having to get his femur fixed, of clutching Sora and Kairi’s hands so hard that it was a wonder they were still able to use them. He remembered not being allowed to move. But mostly it was all lost time to him.

Sora snorted. “Yeah, you were really fucking out of it,” he said, but he sounded like he was playing a part rather than actually laughing about it. “You kept, um. You were feverish and you were definitely delusional ‘cause of the pain, but you kept telling me you were sorry.”

“Sorry for what?”

“For taking so long to get to Roxas.” His hand turned over on Riku’s chest, sliding up until his fingers rested in the crook of Riku’s neck. “And I let it go because you were feverish and in shock and you also kept telling me zombies couldn’t swim, I think because you thought it would be comforting. I don’t know what that was about, but it was actually kind of funny now that you’re not dead. But - you feel responsible for that too, don’t you?”

“Of course I do,” Riku said immediately. “I held us up.”

“By _healing_ ,” Sora stressed. “Something you needed to do! If you hadn’t - well, I dunno where I’d be without you, Riku. I’m not accepting sacrifices like that. I need both of you, you’re both important to me. And Rox and I even better now than we have been in years!”

Riku turned his face against Sora’s neck. He knew the logic of that. Knew that he was no good to anyone if he couldn’t hold a gun. He didn’t regret healing properly, not at all, but getting injured in the first place… “But you worried for months.” Sora had paced around the room like a caged tiger for the entire first snow, wondering if Roxas had made it to shelter. “We could have found him so much faster if I hadn’t gotten injured.”

“And if I hadn’t been babying him, he wouldn’t have left the zone,” Sora countered. “But I did. I didn’t treat him like a partner, I treated him like a responsibility. And you’re doing the same to me now, even though we said we would get better. So just - just think about it, okay?”

He closed his eyes, clearly down with the conversation. His breathing slowly evened out. Barely two minutes after a fight and he was completely out. Believing in things like trust and promises to do better.

Not Riku. Riku stayed awake a long time.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's talk of a dead infected girl in this chapter so just . be warned its abit heavy. like ikno this is a zombie au but still

Sora was up earlier than him, which wasn’t unusual. He was always up with the sun, a boy meant for living. He made sure to press a kiss to Riku’s hair as he left, his hand lingering just a second too long so that Riku could tell that even if the argument was over, the bruises remained, inky-black on Sora's heart.

Riku forced down the guilt that rose up with Sora’s easy forgiveness. That was the _problem_. The _problem_. He caught Sora at the tail end of breakfast, saw Sora give him a small smile. He ate his whole breakfast, too, maybe to reassure Riku after last night. “I’ll see you later,” Sora promised, pressing his hand against the nape of Riku’s neck for just a fleeting second before disappearing.

Roxas squinted at him over his oatmeal. “Is Sora mad at you?”

“Maybe I’m mad at him,” Riku snapped. “That could happen, you know.”

Kairi snorted across the table. “Nooo way,” she scoffed, waving her hand around, uncaring about the food on her spoon. Roxas blinked as she splattered soup on his cheek. “You look like you accidentally kicked his puppy. Total guilt, right all over your face.”

Riku flinched, hating that she could so easily read him. “Yeah, well. I’ll fix it.”

\-----

The space around him and Sora felt tender, precious. Not anger, exactly. But it seemed like Sora was giving Riku a bit of space to think. Riku found himself longing to reach out but he figured he needed to at least unravel a tiny bit of the web around his heart.

So they existed in the same space as opposing magnets, no longer orbiting each other in perfect circles. Riku didn’t like his new path but he wasn’t sure how to fix it yet. And Sora was waiting for Riku to say something first, watching him with curious, encouraging eyes. Riku wasn’t sure what to say. The words caught in his throat every time, but Sora seemed content to wait.

Riku stepped into the gyms to find Sora there, sprawled across the bleachers. Kairi had trash-talked Riku into joining her pick-up volleyball game, which was pretty impressive coming from someone a foot shorter than him, even though she’d shoved him when he told her so.

She’d also recruited Axel, who looked confused about the whole concept but stood practically as tall as they net, as well as Roxas and Xion, and Naminé. That meant they had uneven numbers, but it was impressive that Kairi had even gotten this many people at all.

Kairi was pulled her hair up into a tiny little ponytail that spiked out everywhere, a determined look on her face. “Who wants to be team captain?” No one answered, possibly fearing the look in her eyes. She was good at staring people down and she turned to Riku, a grin creeping across her face. “Riku, be a doll and be team captain.”

Rik frowned. Sora was always team captain when they did this. He cut a glance to Sora, who hadn’t moved. He looked a little tired today, pale, bandages on both arms. He caught Riku’s glance and tilted his head, question in his eyes. He wasn’t going to play then.

Riku almost fell into the trap. He almost let the words fall from his mouth, almost said _you should go to bed_ , almost was back right there in the beginning or possibly it was the middle, but either way, it was moving backwards. It was dark out and Sora would have to be up early but Riku paused, words turning to ash in his mouth. He was supposed to be stopping himself.

“Sure,” Riku said instead, moving to his side of the court. The corner of Sora’s mouth turned up as he sat forward, slumping over the scoreboard. Across the net, Kairi grinned at him.

Axel slapped his back, moving into a position two steps to Riku’s left. Naminé hesitantly stepped towards the back court. “You ready for this?”

Riku tried to ignore Sora’s glare. “Have you ever played a sport in your life?”

“Ultimate Frisbee.” He sounded completely seriously. Riku stared at him far longer than he should have, but Axel simply raised an eyebrow, staring back. Riku couldn’t tell if he was joking at all.  

“He’s very competitive,” Sora told Axel. “You don’t wanna be on his team.”

Axel nodded. “Somehow I figured that.”

“Do you even know how to play?”

Axel shook his head. Namine gave Riku a smile. Barely, but Xion explained the rules to me.”

“Okay,” Riku said, nodding. That was fine. He’d had to carry the game before but damned if he was going to lose to Kairi. “Great. Just stay out of my way because I need to beat Kairi.”

“I’m like, four wins ahead of you, loser, so good fucking luck!” Kairi blew a kiss over the net at him, ready to serve. This could be any day, any game they started playing on the beach when they had enough people, Kairi wowing tourists with her skills.

Sora mimed a whistle blowing. Kairi launched the ball up in the air immediately, four years of not playing the game having clearly diminished her power. She scowled as Riku got himself under the ball, barely managing to get it into the air. Axel did not get the next pass.

Sora laughed. It wasn’t a belly laugh, the kind where he tipped his head back, throat bared, practically falling over with the force of his own joy. It wasn’t the kind of laugh where he couldn’t contain himself. This was the quiet laugh of 3 am sleepovers, when Sora was tired and halfway to sleep, when he’d bury his face in Riku’s neck to try and muffle the sound of quiet golden happiness.

Just like that, Riku realized what he was missing.

\-----

It took him a few days to think of a plan. For once, he didn’t think Sora would expect anything, not Sora who kept treating like he’d break. It was funny. Riku had thought he needed to treat Sora like that, like a fragile vase in a museum.

He woke Sora up on his next day off, four days after the argument. “Hey,” he whispered, gently shaking Sora awake. It was a testament to how exhausted he was, that Riku had managed to get out of bed so early without him so much as stirring. They were all light sleepers now, but it had been months of safety, so that could have changed.

“What’s happening,” Sora mumbled sleepily, fingers curling around Riku’s wrist.

Riku leaned close, so that he could see nothing but Sora. “Do you wanna play hooky today?”

“They’ll get mad,” Sora whispered, but Riku loved the smile blooming on his face. He knew that smile. That smile was what won his heart, that smile that had so much _trust_ , so much joy in it. Sora had always smiled at him like that; no wonder Riku never had a chance of loving anyone else.

“We’ll leave a note,” Riku offered, and that was enough for Sora, who scrambled out of bed immediately.

This wasn’t the smartest idea Riku had ever had but it definitely wasn’t the dumbest, because no one would get hurt - really, Ansem would probably just get pretty angry. Riku didn’t have a shift today, and he’d told Kairi what he was doing so he’d have a little back-up.

They didn’t go far. Riku lead them across the campus, skirting the gardens, and about half-way there, Sora slipped his hand into Riku’s empty one, the tension broken so easily like stones creating ripples on a smooth lake. As if just in the ask of asking, Riku had fixed everything. “What’s in the basket?”

“Surprise,” Riku replied, moving the bag to avoid the sneak attack Sora was going to try. “Don’t ruin it!”

“I’m impatient!”

“We’re almost there,” Riku told him, pulling Sora’s signature trick and tugging him a little farther. Sora grinned; his face painted in the colors of the sunrise. Even though it was going to be hot today, really hot, the campus was peaceful and a little misty, the cold snap of dawn before the sun burned it all away.

They weren’t going any place special. There was a clearing towards the front of the campus, right in the corner, tucked away. Riku did a lot of patrols, he’d noticed the beautiful patch of sunshine, and that was where he dropped the bag and himself into the grass. But then Sora had never needed anything special. They’d always been content to just be together, whether it was in a classroom or the beach or a bedroom, just being in each other’s presence.

Sora dropped down across from him, watching with eager eyes as Riku pulled out breakfast. Riku handed him a cinnamon bun first. Sora looked at it in amazement. “Did you make this?”

“Demyx helped,” Riku admitted, putting the bag in between them. They used to have picnics on the beach, with watermelons and paopu fruits they got slices of from one of the carts on the boardwalk. “I just – I stole a few while I was helping him make dinner last night. And I asked him to do it. I went to the other dorms to see if they had any sugar, and stuff.”

It had been kind of an adventure. Most of the other dorms hadn’t been explored at all, which was why Riku took Kairi with him, but they all had kitchens, on every floor, where presumably no one had ever cooked, ever. There was still sugar there, and vanilla and flour, all things that they toted back to Demyx with them. Demyx had looked absolutely thrilled. Riku had never made bread before, but Demyx was a good teacher, surprisingly.

“This is really nice.” Sora stretched his legs out and leaned back on one hand to watch the sky turning true blue. “Is this an apology?”

Trust him to catch on so quick. “Kind of,” Riku admitted. “It’s also a promise.”

“Oooh,” Sora said, raising his eyebrows. He had icing smeared on his mouth. “Intriguing. Tell me more.”

“Just - I want to do better.” It was hard to look at Sora while saying this but he stopped himself from looking at his knees. “And I promise I’m going to - well, not do it immediately, but try. _Really_ try. You were right, I rely on you too much.”

Sora took a bite of his bun. “I’m always right.”

Riku didn’t deny that. Sora was. And he shouldn’t have had to say it so many times, shouldn’t have to wait until the point of festering and then realize that Riku wasn’t going to take that step forward. Riku needed to be taking those steps forward. “And I want to go on dates.”

Sora nearly choked with the surprise of that one, and Riku let himself grin. “Dates?” He accepted the water bottle Riku handed him and swigged from it. “Gonna take me to the bowling alley, Riku?”

“You know I’m so bad at bowling,” Riku said, instead of _where do you think we’re going to find a bowling alley in this stupid town_ or _this is the end of the world_. Both things he’d said when Sora had wanted to go bowling five years ago, back home, though at the time the end of the world had been his parents separating.

Sora grinned at him. “That’s because you suck at it.”

Riku groaned. “We can’t all bowl 200’s every game! You and Kairi are just evil.”

Sora laughed. “Sorry,” he said, not sounding sorry at all. “Sorry! Tell me more about the dates.”

“I just want us to be like us again,” Riku said truthfully. He looked up at the beautiful blue sky as he let the words out, unable to look at Sora at all, but he did reach over to where Sora’s hand was pulling up blades of grass, stopping his motion and linking them together. “I wanna spend time with you away from all this, it’s - the situation is crushing me and I don’t wanna get crushed, I don’t want _us_ to get crushed, I - God, Sora, we used to spend _hours_ in my room just - doing nothing but being together.”

He missed that more than anything. Sometimes he’d pass Sora a controller and they’d play video games, sometimes Sora would do nothing but lie on the bed, half-hanging off it, while Riku lay on the ground, because he thought better on the ground. He remembered one summer where he’d rung up his phone bill impossibly high because Sora was on a family vacation, for six full weeks, and every time Riku hung up the phone, it said the call had gone on for _hours_. Riku’s mother was barely even mad when he apologized, saying _I didn’t realize I was talking to him so much_ because it didn’t seem like that much when he and Sora had spent their whole life stuck together like glue.

Sora leaned over, slowing pressing a kiss to his mouth, sticky with cinnamon and sugar icing. “You get it.” The corner of his mouth quirked up and Riku wiped away some of the icing that lingered, his thumb catching on the corner of Sora’s mouth.

“Took me long enough.”

“Well, you don’t have to be perfect,” Sora promised, and from anyone else, it would have been an insult. But Sora, with his sweet sunshine smile - never from him. He had Riku’s back. He understood Riku down to his core, was the only one who seen all the dirt and grime that marred Riku’s soul, the only one who knew how it shined underneath that.

“I won’t be.” It was easy to say with the sun and the breeze and his hand in Sora’s. “Just - wait a little longer for me to catch up, okay?”

“It isn’t a race,” Sora said, like they were doing homework and Riku had finished first. _It isn’t a race, Riku_ , Sora would pout, diligently tipping his head back down to study math sheets, not carrying if Riku’s arms wound their way around his waist. Riku used to be so content just to sit like that, Sora between his legs and leaning against his chest, not saying anything at all. “I believe in you. Always have, always will. I know you won’t let this bring you back down.”

“It might have, if you hadn’t reminded me.”

“That’s what I’m here for.”

“No!” Riku’s hands tightened around Sora’s without meaning too. “No, it’s not. You’re - that’s not -”

Sora threw some grass at him, not at all worried. “Don’t be stupid, Riku, I didn’t mean that you weren’t allowed to talk to me about your feelings at all!” He grinned. “I’m always gonna be here for you, if you need to talk or need a push in the right direction.”

“I know,” Riku reassured him, pulling a blade of grass out of his bangs. “I know that’s not what you meant.” It wasn’t about Sora not wanting to help, it was about if Riku could stand up on his own two feet and face the sun, even though he’d be turning away all these years, determined to walk in the shade. Sora would always support him, but Riku needed to move forward too, not drag them both backwards. “But you’re more to me than just - I dunno, someone to remind me not to be an idiot. I don’t want you to have to keep dragging me forward.”

“Well, I know that too.” Sora tilted his head back to soak up the sun. If they spent the entire day out here, his freckles would be back, his whole body a galaxy. “But it’s nice to hear.”

Riku swallowed, caught. “I really love you, Sora.” He tilted Sora’s head towards him, so that he could look at those bright blue eyes, so blue he could drown in them like the ocean. Under his fingers, Sora’s lips lifted in a smile. “I - it’s been really tough. But I love you, so much.”

“I love you too,” Sora said, cocking his head so that they fit together for a kiss, Riku’s hand on his jaw. A million and one kisses and yet every single one felt new, somehow. That was the magic of Sora.

They did end up staying out most of the day, so much that Riku’s cheeks felt tight and he knew he was sunburned all over. His whole face was red, probably, and as the sun set, it had got the nape of his neck and his shoulders too, and Sora kept poking his arm so that it would turn white and then fade back to red, slowly. He couldn’t regret anything, not even when they walked hand in hand back across the campus, backs to the setting sun, and found Ansem arguing with Aqua and Kairi, neither of whom looked very impressed with him.

Kairi saw them first and uncrossed her arms to wave. Ansem saw her and jerked around, eyes narrowing.

“Sora! What do you have to say for yourself!” He was storming across the grass, Aqua hurrying behind him. “We had _work_ to do!”

Sora winced.

Riku took a step forward, hiding Sora from view. Ansem looked absolutely furious, the ends of his stupid lab coat flapping in the wind. Where had he even gotten a lab coat that clean? “Don’t be mad at him, I was the one who-”

He felt Sora’s hand squeeze his arm. “I got this, Riku.” Eyes discerning. Seeing what Riku would do.

Riku took a deep breath. It wasn’t a decision to be made, since the answer was clear. Riku knew what to do. “Right.”

He let Sora disentangle their fingers, took the basket that Sora passed him. Aqua and Ansem ushered him away, Sora peering over his shoulder to shoot Riku a grin. He just let Sora go, just like that.

Kairi put her hands on her hips, the both of them watching Sora get ushered into the labs, Ansem’s hand imposing on his back. Sora’s shoulders were straight. Kairi scoffed, poking Riku’s cheek. “You’re _so_ sunburned.”

Riku smiled. “Yeah, I am.”

“Did it go well?”

“Yeah, I think it did.”

\-----

The first date Sora and Riku had _ever_ been on was after one of Riku’s meets, and he’d not only come in first but he’d set a new season record by seven full seconds. Sora had been sitting on the hood of the car waiting for him, idly scrolling through his phone. “Congratulations,” he’d said, grinning big as Riku came out of the locker room. “Wanna grab a bite?”

Destiny Islands didn’t have a single restaurant or fast food join that was open after Riku’s track meets or Sora’s soccer or lacrosse games, so when he asked, Riku knew immediately that it meant Sora was going to drive them to the all night burger joint fifteen minutes down the highway that was filled primarily with all-night truckers unless it happened to be the night after a game, in which case a couple dozen high school students would pile into the fluorescent lighting and shove chairs together. The one Ven and Vanitas had taken them to years ago, where they’d stood out as the only children in the entire place.

“Sounds great,” Riku said, rounding the hood of Sora’s dad’s car. Sora was always the one driving, even though Riku had his own car. More often than not, he let Sora drive that too, even before Sora had had his license, because Riku _hated_ driving and had only learned to do it because his mother had insisted. It never really mattered in Destiny Islands, where most places Riku needed to go were within biking distance, but the all-night burger joint was decidedly not.

Riku rolled the window down, sticking his hand out the window and sailing it along the breeze. Sora had filled up two water bottles for Riku to guzzle greedily. The soccer team had had a rare Thursday game, which meant that for once, Riku and Sora could spend Friday together. Usually both of their games ended around the same time and Riku would trudge back into the locker room, getting on the bus to receive a text from Sora or Kairi letting him know the score of their own games. Sometimes Riku would text first, falling asleep with his head against the bus window until he could crash in his actual bed and he’d wake up dozens of texts from Kairi and Sora calling him an old man, changing the name of the group chat from something like ITS NOT DISCOURSE THE RAINBOW HAS A CORRECT ORDER to something like HELLO SIR HAVE U SEEN MY GRANDPA.

They didn’t get a lot of time like this, just to feel the breeze and hang-out, wandering around for no good reason other than that they didn’t want to go home yet. Sora had turned the radio on, was humming along even though he didn’t seem to know any of the words.

“So how’s it feel to be a winner?” Sora asked the same question he asked every time Riku won a track meet. He’d slapped Riku’s hands away from his wallet as they paid at the counter, claiming it was his right to treat, since he hadn’t had a game tonight. Even though Riku was running on empty and ordered two burgers, two fries, and two orange Gatorades.

“Good,” Riku admitted, stealing a bit of Sora’s shake to dip his fries in. Chocolate and fries were great together. “Really, really good. Mom keeps saying it’ll good on my college transcripts, but it just feels really good to - run away and leave everyone behind.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re fast,” Sora laughed, as if Sora could never catch up with him. He sometimes pretended like Riku didn’t know him at all, hadn’t spent years racing him against the sand. That was probably the reason Riku did so well at track now, just ten straight years of trying to beat Sora, and sometimes even now he’d think _well, this just isn’t as fun as those afternoons on the beaches_. They were probably lucky Sora had long ago decided that he liked team sports a hell of a lot more than anything else, or they’d still be competing. “Leaving us all in the dust!”

“Not you,” Riku said quickly, and it had the benefit of being true, even. “You could always keep up with me. I’m not leaving you behind.”

Sora blinked at him, mouth slightly open, the glare from the neon reflecting in his blue eyes and turning them purple, unknowable. Riku offered him his soda, wondering what in the world had made Sora look like that, like his world had shifted.

Apparently, it had been Riku.

“Riku, I love you,” Sora announced. “Do you wanna go to Homecoming with me?”

Riku’s jaw dropped, his world shifting too. “Homecoming isn’t for months,” he said faintly, which was probably the stupidest thing he could say at the moment, but it was all he had. “Like - five.” They all of summer to go.

“Yeah, I was gonna wait to ask until it was a little closer,” Sora admittedly sheepishly. “And in a way more romantic way than eating fries. But then you said you weren’t going to leave me behind.” He shrugged, as if that was that. “Want to?”

“I want to!” Riku practically tripped over the words. “Yes. Yeah. Let’s go to homecoming together. Let’s do it. Yes.” He was grinning so wide his face was probably going to split, but Sora’s was too, so it was okay.

“Great!” Sora’s smile was a little nervous under the neon lights. “Do you want _this_ to count as our first date or the next one? Because, ideally, we’ll have more. Like, at _least_ twenty.”

Riku had a habit of trying not to smile but he couldn’t help it now, and didn’t want to. “This one can be first.” Across the table, Sora dipped his fries into his half-gone shake. No one else would have noticed the way Sora’s fingers were shaking just slightly, just _barely_ , from nerves. Riku was feeling the same now, butterflies in his stomach. The word had shifted, but this time, Riku hoped, it was shifting into alignment. “I’ll be nervous otherwise.” Terrified, more like. Like this was all a dream or a prank and if they set a real first date, chances were good that Riku would get so scared it would never happen, would talk himself into believing that he’d misread it all.

Sora grinned at him. “Can’t have that,” he said softly, and his hand found Riku’s on the table. Of course. Sora would never let Riku do that to himself, would never stand for Riku backing out purely because he was terrified of what it meant to love Sora that much and to be loved back, with gentle hands and smiles. No, Sora had said what he’d meant, he always did. He loved Riku.

Riku ducked his head, back down at his burger. Sora’s food was already gone - he was practically a vacuum cleaner. Sora never minded that Riku took a lot longer to eat, though usually he’d steal part of Riku’s food. Today was no different, except for whenever he went to steal a fry Riku would lift up both their intertwined hands to smack him away, which didn’t work because he kept remembering they were _holding hands_ and turning bright red. Sora kept stealing away with his food, popping fries into his mouth, eyes laughing.

It wasn’t until they were halfway home that Riku thought to say, “Wait, I love you too.” He hadn’t said it yet, too wrapped up in everything to really think, but he was thinking now, with the hum on the radio and the patches of light zooming by on Sora’s face.

Sora rather abruptly pulled the car to the side of the highway, flicking on his hazards. Riku twisted around to see if there were any headlights behind them, cop cars lying in wait. Even though he didn’t see anything, he said, “Wait, you’re gonna get us arrested-”

“Just a minute,” Sora promised, and then he was leaning over the gear shift, hands cupping Riku’s neck and shifting him a little closer. Riku could barely see him at all in the darkness, just a sliver of moonlight on the side of his face, but he could feel how hot his hands were as Sora pulled him in for a kiss.

Riku gasped, his world narrowed down to just Sora’s warm hands and chapped lips, how Riku ran his hand through Sora’s hair, wondering at the fact that he could now, that he could drag his thumb along Sora’s cheek down to his lips and touch that sunshine smile.

They spent longer than a minute kissing, but the highway was empty, they were the only two people in the world, so who cared?

\-----

It was past winter by the time Riku prepared to leave the campus. He hadn’t left the campus in a good three months, instead focusing on planting and storage and wrangling the four chickens that someone else had taken from town, which had left him with scratches on both wrists, but had been well worth it for the first day they’d had eggs for breakfast. He hadn’t gone through town in over a year. “Hey.” He directed this at Sora, who was sitting on the bed, watching Riku pull on the holsters, check the cartridge. “I’ll be okay.”

“I know.”

“I promise.”

“I know,” Sora replied again, pulling the blanket tighter around his shoulders. He looked cold. It _was_ cold in the dorms, even with the windows cold and towels pressed against the cracks, even if Sora was wearing two pairs of socks. The disadvantages of living without heat. It had been cruel when the snow started setting in; he’d been so unused to it. “You always are. It’s just - I hate not going with you.”

Riku turned to look at him. He couldn’t say he didn’t understand.

Two days ago, when Terra had pulled him aside and said he needed him for a mission, Riku had immediately wanted to run away, so fast that no one could even see who was racing by, only a blur. Only Terra’s imposing hand on his shoulder kept him in place. “We need a live infected,” Terra told him. “Ansem and the labs - well, they’ve been doing good work, you know?”

Riku did know. Sora had been telling him, now that things were a little better, and even more important, Sora had been put back on regular work rotations, only in the labs when they needed him. Apparently, they’d gotten all they needed from him. If Riku had had any sense, he might have guessed this was the way it would have gone, but no one had ever accused him of being sensible. Kairi was always the sensible one.

So he knew that research was going well. He knew that they had isolated something or other in Sora’s blood, or the blood of the infected, _something_. Riku understood the basics of science but this was beyond him entirely. Sora had told him, an unusually solemn look on his face, that they were planning on injecting rats with infected blood, to see if they could cure them. He hadn’t said anything more but his fingers had curled into fists.

“Don’t worry,” Terra had told Riku, in the corner on the dining hall, everyone chattering around them like nothing was wrong at all. _Don’t worry_ , like that was ever easy to do. “We’re used to this. We’ve done it before. We just need a fifth since Luxord has the flu.”

Sora didn’t get put on the mission. There was no way he’d be allowed out of the compound, a fact that he hated, that scraped at him until he was raw, but he conceded his blood was far too valuable. He’d spent the last two days a little withdrawn, his smile just a little too tight to be natural.

This wasn’t the first time Riku had to go out of the campus. The perimeter guards checked all the time in the fields and woods around the wall. But going to town with the active mission to gather up a live infected was a whole different, dangerous story.

“Check me,” Riku told him, and Sora stood up, leaving the comforter behind. He ran his hands over Riku’s shoulders, checking the tight collar of his shirt, floating above the gun that had been tucked into the top drawer of their dresser, untouched for almost a year. Sora checked his jacket, the duct tape at his wrist, his gloves. Riku hadn’t left any blind spots, but he knew Sora needed to check, needed to put his hands on him.

Sora’s hands adjusted Riku’s scarf, double-checking that it was tight and tucked in. “You’re good,” he said shakily.

“I’ll be back.” Riku wished he hadn’t put his gloves on so he could actually touch Sora, skin on skin.

“I know.” Sora let out a brittle laugh. “It’s just way harder than I thought it would be to let you go out there.” He swallowed. “Without me.”

Riku used his gloved hand to raise Sora’s chin up. “I’ll see you tonight,” he promised, leaning down to give Sora one last kiss. No, not last. He’d be back tonight. He felt Sora’s hands come up to rest on his.

“Come back safe.” And then Sora let him go.

He followed that promise, technically. He was safe enough, physically. No bites. No bruises, even. He’d been mostly been a standby to everything that happened. They hadn’t made him carry a body, though.

In front of him, Aeleus and Dilan dragged an infected between them. She was gagged, hands bound, but Riku still didn’t like it much. They were clearly old hats at this, however – they must have been dragging infected into the labs for ages now. Axel was at the front of the line, holding a dead infected. Riku could see his shoulder shake every so often. He was crying, but he wasn’t making a sound.

It was barely sunrise by the time they got back. When they’d left, it had been barely dawn. Riku had felt his fingers getting stiff. He’d thought winter was over but they’d had another cold snap, painting the ground with a fresh six inches of snow. Riku didn’t like snow. The crops were dead, they’d been eating stored food for months, and he felt like the whole world was empty sometimes when he woke up and rolled over to look out the window.

Terra had fallen into step with Riku as they left. It had been odd to see everyone all suited up – Riku was used to seeing Aeleus and Dilan in their lab coats, harried and rushing in for dinner and then out. Just yesterday, Terra had been wearing an ugly Christmas sweater that was too tight from him, everyone laughing and elbowing him and telling him the season was long gone.

Outside the campus like this, every barren tree seemed like a threat. Riku pulled his scarf a little tighter around his neck as Terra asked, “How you holding up?”

“Do you think I might have time to get some extra blankets,” Riku asked, which was a different question all together, but still an answer.

“Maybe,” Terra said. “No harm in looking. I can also ask the next scavenger party for it.” He sighed. “It’d be nice if we could have sheep, get some wool going.”

“There’s no sheep around here?”

Terra frowned. “Not that we’ve seen,” he said. “I think most of the more local farmers just had a few. But I want to go out towards the farmlands to the east and see if maybe some sheep survived on the bigger farms, but Aqua thinks it’s not worth it, it’s so unlikely.” He sighed. “I miss meat.”

Just in front of them, Axel snickered. “Terra, we have chickens. Like, fifty billion chickens.”

“Thirty-three chickens, but we don’t really eat them,” Terra mourned. “Think about _steak_ , Axel.”

“I’m vegetarian.”

“Then mourn for _me_ ,” Terra said, sending Riku a quick grin. Axel snorted and then used his stupidly long legs to catch up with Aeleus, at the head of the group. Riku could see the beginnings of sunrise on the horizon. “But I meant you, Riku. How are _you_.”

“Fine,” Riku said automatically.

“You sure about that?”

Riku blinked, taken aback. He hadn’t expected Terra to press the issue, but since he had, Riku took his time answer. “Yeah, I think so,” he said eventually. Life in the compound wasn’t without stress, of course. Today was an outlier, but there was always a bit of worry, living in the compound. But Riku couldn’t find any fault in the long days kneeling in the dirt, pulling up carrots. He couldn’t find fault in working in the kitchens, or stocking the storeroom, or even doing the damn laundry. Not when he hadn’t thought he’d ever get that again.

In the safe zone, he’d had work shifts, of course. Lots of them had been terrible. Most of them hadn’t let him look at the sky or breath the fresh air, not that there was any in the safe zones anyways.

It wasn’t exactly what Riku had imagined for himself, when he’d been eighteen and his mother was pressuring him about college and he wanted to see the world, but not like that.  Not stuffed into a classroom with two hundred other freshmen. Not when he and Sora were sprawled across the couch, Sora playing with his hair, not if he had to leave Sora behind. He’d wanted adventure.

He guessed he’d gotten it. He was fine with it ending like this, though. Happy, even, though the itch to leave would probably never fade. But not like this. He’d have to content himself with Sora and the answers he contained. If everything went okay, then maybe … maybe one day. He could have a little hope for one day.

“Yeah,” he repeated. “I’m good.”

“Good!” Terra said enthusiastically. “I was a little worried about you at first, you know. You never wanted to come to music night.”

Riku bit his lip. He still didn’t particularly want to go to music night, which reminded him of every single incredibly bad talent show he’d had to see at Destiny Islands High. Sora had conned him into going to board game night, which was actually pretty fun, and now Riku tried to go even if Sora couldn’t make it.

He tried to treat Sora being in the labs or on shift as if Sora was at soccer practice late. Like nothing was wrong.

He didn’t have a chance to say any of this to Terra, though, even he could have figured out a way that didn’t make him want to die of embarrassment. No, instead they found three infected immediately.

Riku had been into town just a few times, usually with a scavenging party that Terra made sure went out once a month. He’d gotten a comforter and some clothing - new jeans that hadn’t been worn through. He’d picked up a new pair of boots. Kairi had found a sundress. Sora had carefully pulled a ridiculous poster off the wall of some long-gone teen’s bedroom that was a kitten wearing sunglasses, and it now lived on the back of Sora and Riku’s door.

“I want to make it homey,” Sora had explained, taping the stupid thing up. “Hey, do you think we can steal some paint?”

The second they saw the infected, though, something in all of them snapped into place. Riku noticed it most with Axel – the others were always a little more business then him, but Axel was his friend. Axel was the guy who managed to find beer in the town and Axel was the guy who had a huge incredibly ugly tapestry hanging up in his dorm that Riku had never been brave enough to ask if that had been left by the previous occupant or not.

But now Axel straightened up, his face going startlingly blank. For a second, Riku didn’t know him at all. He was someone else, not the guy who told awful jokes that made Xion giggle, or the guy who constantly leaned on Roxas’s head because he was tall and Roxas was short. No, this one was a soldier through and through. “Newly infected, it looks like.” His words were sharp, pointed. “Maybe trying to find us.”

Terra ignored it, shoulders tense. Ignoring the history in Axel’s pointed, sharp words. “Take care of it.”

Riku peered around him. He could see the three infected limping through the snow, leaving a trail. They kept slipping around and falling, unable to correct for the weather. They were soaked through. It was a good thing they didn’t feel the cold anymore, couldn’t understand frostbite wrapping around their fingers, didn’t know to pull their scarves up over their noses. If it had been just a bit colder, they might have frozen where they were, locked in place, still alive.

“Fine,” Axel snapped. “Aeleus, you take the one on the left. Dilan, capture the one limping. I’ll deal with the one in the middle.”

Riku watched them all separate, clearly used to these orders. Not a single one of them hesitated. Axel pulled out a long, wicked looking knife, something that could hold an infected off at a foot, practically.

Aeleus threw a rock at the tallest one, the one who wasn’t limping, and she snarled, racing at him, hands outstretched. He didn’t seem fazed - how often had they done this? How often had they pulled poor people, minds long gone, into labs to become little more than another tool to finding a cure? Aeleus grabbed her before she grabbed him - she never had a chance; she barely came up to his chest - and smoothly slid the knife right behind her ear.

There was something haunting about killing infected. Riku had killed infected before. Everyone had killed infected before because they weren’t people any longer. That was the lie Riku and the entire country told themselves to get over being murderers.

There as a glimmer of sunlight on Axel’s knife and then the infected was falling. Axel caught her, arm going around her shoulder, cradling her like a child.

“Axel?”

“We should bury her,” he said clearly, looking up. His eyes looked wet.

Dilan frowned. “Why not the lab?”

“She’s just a kid.” The girl looked doll-like in his arms. “Can’t be more than sixteen.”

No one responded.

Axel grit his teeth. “Don’t any of you have a fucking _heart_.” He gently lay the girl down, smoothing her hair away from her face in a gesture that made Riku’s eyes sting, like he was going to cry. Maybe Axel had had a little sister once. A little sibling that he doted on the same was Vanitas and Ven had doted on Sora, the same way Sora doted on Roxas. Maybe he still was just a good person and the rest of them had empty ribcages. “She’s a _child_!”

“She hasn’t been a child in four years, Axel,” Dilan said, face blank. “If we ever want anyone to have a childhood again, we have to find a cure.”

Axel grit his teeth, fire raging in his eyes. He was clearly only conceding the argument for _now_. Riku would bet that when he found time, he’d explode, possibly in the middle of a crowded room. Riku just didn’t know if that crowded room would be with him or against him.

“Okay,” Terra said cautiously. “You two deal with her. Axel-”

“I’ve got her,” Axel interrupted, scooping the girl back up. She looked fragile and doll-like in his arms, her pink scarf blinding against the dark of his long coat. He cradled her like a daughter, holding her up over his shoulder like he was comforting her after a nightmare. “I’ll take her back. And I’ll _bury_ her.”

“-Right,” Terra said softly. He stooped to grab the last infected. “Riku, watch our backs.”

They didn’t make him carry one. Riku didn’t know if it was because he was new at this or if was because he was the youngest but he pulled his rifle off his shoulder, watching them as they moved in a line down the road. The one Terra was carrying was dripping blood onto the snow.

Riku remembered being a child. Being sixteen, being stupid. He barely had survived being eighteen and handling the end of the world, he didn’t know how a twelve-year old had. Had her parents taken care of her? Were the infected with her her parents or had she had to find someone else, someone with a kind heart willing to help just a girl?

There were no kids on the campus. Roxas and Xion were the youngest. Riku hadn’t realized it, but there weren’t any kids at all. None of them had made it to the campus. He wasn’t sure he’d ever seen an infected child. He must have seen one, he _must_ have, but it hadn’t even made an impression on him. Riku hated himself. His hands were shaking.

He hated this world. He _hated_ it. He’d thought it before, years ago, all the time, but he’d become numb somewhere along the line, but he _hated_ this fucking world. Rage and grief warred inside him. Being less of a monster _hurt_ sometimes, like this, when he had to confront the worst things in the world and realize they hurt again, they’d continue hurting, that it would just be like this forever.

He understood in a blinding instant why Sora would give every bit of blood in his body for a world where teen girls with acne never fell prey to knives. He understood how much it hurt.

The gates were in view as it started to snow. Axel ducked his head, bending over a bit as the snow beat as his back.

Terra waved Riku off once they got inside, adjusting his hands awkwardly around the bundle in his arms. Riku didn’t look back, just lengthened his strides so that he was practically racing across the campus. It was dangerous with the snow falling, making the walkways slick, but Riku didn’t care about that. His feet felt nailed to the ground, each step a struggle to life and then pounding down, the sensation vibrating through his legs.

The room was empty. Maybe Sora had gone to find Kairi, or Roxas, or anyone.

He was careful pulling off his weapons, he was always careful when it came to that. He unloaded the gun, laying it down in separate pieces in the top drawer. He unwound the scarf and ripped the duct tape off, leaving stinging red welts on his wrists.

And the room is freezing, of course the room was freezing, and Riku hadn’t found any blankets at all. He rolled his scarf up, stuffing it against the crack on the window that had already been stuffed, and hoped that under the blankets would be a tiny bit warmer.

\-----

There was one year it had actually gotten cold enough on Destiny Islands to snow, just for a bit. The first time any of them had ever seen it, even though there was barely enough to make a snowman a foot high. Sora had kept slipping everywhere and even Vanitas, who was definitely pretending to be too cool for snow, went out and messed around in it.

Kairi had been the best at walking in it out of everyone, grinning as Riku tried to grab onto her and make her fall, but she only slipped once, scarf flapping in the wind.

They all piled into Kairi’s house later, tiny little snowman scattered about the front porch. Kairi’s dad had made them all hot chocolate and homemade pizzas, laughing at how snotty and red-faced they all were.

“It’s like a Christmas miracle, Dad!” Kairi had proclaimed, eating five tiny marshmallows right out of the bag. Vanitas down his hot chocolate before it was barely cool to drink, Ven staring at him in sickened amazement. “Only two more days until Christmas!”

“Aw, buttercup, it’ll probably melt by then,” her dad told her. “Just consider it an early gift.”

Kairi had scrunched her nose up. “No, I’m gonna make it happen,” she decided. “Come on guys, let’s watch Christmas movies!”

Sora had fallen asleep in Riku’s lap, stretched out so that his feet were practically in Ven’s face. Roxas was knocked out too, Vanitas’s arms around him. Riku didn’t remember most of the movies they watched, just the feeling of snow and hot cocoa and being together.

It had probably been one of the best Christmas’s ever, even if it was a little early. And by the time Christmas came around, the snow was still there, white and fleeting, like Kairi had said it would be.

-

To say that Sora _found_ him would be inaccurate, because Sora lived here too, so really, Sora just entered. Riku shut his eyes at the sound of the door clicking open, his heart doing complicated contortions.

“There you are.” As if Riku had been lost.

“Riku?” Kairi’s voice then, and Riku chanced rolling over to see her. She’d brought a blanket with her, a big orange thing that she was having to hold up off the ground. “Axel told us what happened.”

“Oh,” Riku said, heart sinking, and then Sora was climbing onto the bed. He sat on Riku’s feet instead of getting under the covers with him, because Riku didn’t often like to be touched when he was upset either. Sometimes the feeling of Sora’s arms around him was too much. But just a little bit of pressure, to remind he wasn’t alone – he’d always liked that.

So Sora sat on his feet, even though it was cold in the room and it would be warmer under the comforter. Kairi joined him, spreading her blanket over their legs until Riku was completely weighted down, pressed into the mattress. “Wanna talk about it?”

Riku considered. He wanted to say no, he wanted to pull the blankets up and pretend nothing had ever happened and he wanted to break up into hundreds of tiny glass shards

He didn’t want to explain it yet. He didn’t have to, either, because Sora and Kairi knew what had happened, and if their soft touches on his knees through the comforter were any indication, they knew exactly what he was feeling. They’d all felt it. All-encompassing grief wasn’t new to a single person around here. They’d asked him what he needed so he answered. Because he wanted to stay under the blankets forever and turn to crushed glass, he said, “You can stay. But let’s talk about other things.”

“Okay.” Kairi shifted her weight so that she wasn’t directly on his ankles. “Sora and I think Naminé and Xion have _already_ started dating.”

Although he had _said_ he wanted to talk about other things, Riku was still caught off-guard when she immediately pivoted. “What?”

“Well,” Sora whispered, leaning in close. “You know Nami! She’s not a big talker. So maybe she just wouldn’t have, you know?”

“And,” Kairi added, with the air of someone who had made her point already - she’d probably conned Sora over to her side just ten minutes ago - “She’s been eating dinner in the dining hall more often.”

“Well, so have I,” Sora disagreed, elbowing her. “I don’t know if that really counts, Kairi.”

“You were so on board with me an hour ago!” Kairi huffed. “Riku, what do you think?”

“I’m sleepy,” Riku said, settling in. Kairi adjusted herself again, so that she was more sprawled across him, her legs between his hips and the bed. “Keep talking, though.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how long would cinnamon or sugar last in an apocalypse . i dont know i didnt google it for peace of mind. just pretend its fine . just pretend demyx is remy ratatouille
> 
> also ITS NOT DISCOURSE THE RAINBOW HAS A CORRECT ORDER is a real group chat name ive had ghjghjghjghj


	11. Chapter 11

Riku should be used to the ups and the downs, but it was far too easy to get used to things. To get used to decent meals and the feel of dirt under his hands and the casual ease in which life happened here.

Terra didn’t ask him to go out on another mission to collect people. He had Luxord do it, once Luxord was over the flu, and Riku was so grateful he could barely stand it once he saw Luxord’s blonde hair moving around in the dining hall, getting ready for another mission. Sora had wrapped his arm around Riku’s waist, knowing what Riku couldn’t say. Riku tipped his head onto Sora’s shoulder, feeling empty and broken. They skipped board game night that night, opting instead to have a night in. Sora spread himself across Riku’s chest, his ear on Riku’s heart. Riku stared up at the ceiling and tried to pretend that the weight was helping with the emptiness. By the end of the night, after hours of silence, it was.

Life went on. Riku figured that that was what life did.

They had flooding in May, after snow melted. It cracked through the riverbank, surging against a wall on the edge of campus until it started to crumble, water seeping through, requiring not only all hands on deck to try and create a dam out of sandbags – and they’d first had to create makeshift sandbags - but also a guard to make sure nothing attacked them while they were creating it.

Riku’s shoes were soaked through and he kept having to push back the hood of the poncho he’d taken from the university store and he was shivering. His leg was aching too, but Riku couldn’t tell if was from the rain or from the water that was pooling up to his knees, ebbing and flowing, straining his weaker leg.

Sora looked over at him, both of them moving in unison to shoulder a sandbag into place. Riku could barely see him for all the rain in the inches between them. “This enough adventure for you?”

“I hate you,” Riku said, with feeling. “So much.”

“So that’s a no, then,” Sora mused, and then he was moving through the mud and the pouring rain for the next bag. Riku followed him.

Naminé and Xion finally accounted they were dating, so far after the fact that they actually only announced it because they wanted to move into one of the bigger dorms and share together. Sora squeezed both of them so tight they could barely breath and they were all laughing, and Naminé kept shyly glancing over at Xion with a little smile on her face. Whenever Xion noticed, she’d grin, huge, and collect Naminé’s hands in hers. (“I’m so alone,” Kairi moaned, once she was done congratulating them.)

They celebrated Roxas's birthday by finding him a skateboard in town. It had taken Sora and Riku ages to find one, but Sora had been insistent. “Someone in town must have had a skateboard,” and it was practically a threat, like he’d end the town personally if it didn’t give up a skateboard for his baby brother, but after three weeks, he was right. Always was. Even though it was hot and humid out, a muggy June, Roxas made them all watch as he did tricks off benches and rails. Sora joined him, both of them placing stupid bets to see who could do a better kick flip or whatever trick they wanted. Xion seemed incredibly interested in learning, Kairi calling encouragement, and Riku lay back on the grass to watch clouds.

Someone Riku didn't even know managed to rig up a solar panel or something to an old projector, displaying movies on the side of the dorm wall for everyone to watch. The first one was a Star Wars movie, the one with Han Solo, which Riku remembered nothing off but Kairi next to him on her blanket was whooping and hollering the whole time, quoting every line.

Sora took a book out from the library and Riku laughed when he returned it on time, pretending to be fretting about the library fines.

As far as lives went, it wasn't a bad one. It was a small one, but somehow Riku was okay with that for now. Funny how the end of the world could put things in perspective, could make him miss tiny towns and somehow feel stifled all at the same time. Funny how four years after leaving home in a way he'd never intended; he'd found a new one. He was always caught off guard nowadays, thrown off by how similar something seemed and then ten minutes later thrown off by how different was.

It had always been a little dangerous to have hope before. But Riku had it now, a tiny flame burning ever bigger with every day, hope for something more, hope for the future, hope for anything.

\-----

Roxas had never been a fan of knocking, and even years of not having a door hadn’t broken him of the habit when he wasn’t thinking clearly. “Sora!”

Riku lifted his head to snap at him - they weren’t even doing anything, but it was a rare day off and Riku had a _book_ , it had been so long since he’d had a book, and Sora had his head on Riku’s thigh, enjoying Riku’s hand running through his hair, and it wasn’t much but it was _something_ \- but Roxas didn’t look okay.

“Rox?” Sora sat up immediately, Riku’s hand falling away. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s Axel.” Nothing else but his broken-hearted face, and they both know what that meant.

Sora reached over the edge of the bed and pulled on his boots, just a step behind Roxas, Riku only a step behind that. Roxas led them to the outdoor yard, where Axel was sitting on a picnic table, wearing that ratty tank top, and chained by his left wrist to the fence. There weren’t a lot of people milling around, which was good. Aqua wouldn’t want panic. Already she was staring at Axel with a thoughtful frown, trying to work something out. He couldn’t stay chained to the fence in the outdoor yard forever, feral and reaching out for anyone who walked by.

Riku's hand shot out to grab Sora's elbow even before Sora sagged against him, seeing Axel hunched over, everyone giving him a cautious berth.

"It's okay," Riku whispered, even though it wasn't, even though those were the words Sora had kept repeating almost two years ago now, when he'd had his hand pressed to a bite on his neck and was going to pretend everything was fine, because what else did they have? Now Riku repeated those same words to him, his and Sora's feet slowing in tandem ever so slightly so that Sora could break down in one- _two_ - _three_ seconds before composing himself, because it wasn't about him, this time.

"I never wanted this," Sora whispered, leaning up to give the secret to Riku alone.

"No one did," Riku frowned. He didn’t know what Sora meant.

But Sora was already gone, fingers alighting on Roxas’s shoulder before he caught Axel’s eye, a wistful expression on his face.

Oh. Sora was the only one, of course, who knew what Axel was thinking. The only one who had to watch his loved ones in the same position, the war on his face. He'd had to watch Riku sit back and ruin himself, had to have known what that would have done to him, had to have known that the peace Riku felt - well, had felt up until ten minutes prior - would never have existed if Sora had gone. No matter how much Riku might have stitched up the wound, Sora would have left a scar over his entire being. And now Sora had to sit here and watch his brother receive that same wound, know that he too might have a scar that would never fade.

Axel looked down at him, perhaps thinking about the same sort of things, the same sort of scars, thinking about the same people they were leaving behind. For someone who had been bit, he looked stunningly cavalier about it. Then again, Sora had too. Even now, Sora was standing strong, trying his best to hide his trembling hands. Riku reached out, his hand hovering against the small of Sora’s back before resting for one second, gently, just to remind Sora that he was there, but Sora leaned back into him, twining his arm around Riku’s waist, not like he usually might when he was upset.

“One of the ones on the fence wasn’t dead,” Axel was saying. All the weapons had been cleared away from him, his holster was empty and his knife was now in Aqua’s hands. Riku hated himself for it, but he was already trying to decide if they’d need another chain. “Must have just got unlucky.”

He extended his wrist, wincing as he pulled off the bloody shirt that he’d wrapped around it. It clearly hadn’t done much good; blood was running down his hand, staining his nails red. Whatever had gotten him had gotten him _good_. If it was anything like Sora’s bite had been, it was messy and nasty underneath, the skin all torn up and gouged out by teeth.

Riku could see Sora’s scar now, faded. Two years past, somehow.

Aqua sucked in a breath. “Shit,” she said, leaning close. “That looks bad.”

“Hurts like a bitch.” Axel sounded cheerful but Riku knew what to look for, knew from the too-wide smile and the way Axel didn’t seem to want to remove his sunglasses. He’d never seen anyone but Sora turn, and Sora was a special case, as per usual, but Riku had been disappointed by enough people to know the signs of someone about to drown.

Carefully, Sora moved out from under Riku’s arm and crossed the line, breaking the circle around Axel, and hopped up onto the bench next to him. The only two who could understand this. Axel looked grateful to have him there.

“How long ago?” Aqua asked. Business as usual, though the corner of her mouth was tight and unhappy. Riku wondered if this was the first person who’d been bitten on her watch, but she’d gone to grad school here. She must have been here the whole time, there was no way this was the first time one of her own people had become infected.

Axel glanced at his watch. “Thirty-seven minutes.” He stretched his arm out in front of him so that it. “Aw, Xion, stop looking like I’m already dead.”

Xion burst into tears. “Don’t say that,” she sobbed, and then she broke the circle too, throwing her arms around Axel, not caring about his arm at all. Axel jerked it out of the way, eyes wide. “Axel, you _can’t_.”

“I don’t think I got much of a choice.” He tried to wrap his good arm around her but the handcuff halted him before he moved an inch. “Not unless some scientists get real fast with makin’ a cure. No news on that, is there?” He directed this last part to Aqua, who frowned.

“I told Demyx to go get Ansem,” she relayed, pushing her hair back behind her ears. “I really don’t know what he’s going to say, he doesn’t like reporting to me. I thought he’d be here by now.”

“He’s coming.” Sora pointed over Riku’s shoulder. “Get excited, Axel, because he’s walking quickly and everything.”

“Great,” Axel said, sounding very slightly enthused. “Exactly what I’ve always wanted. That creepy old man to power walk towards me.”

Xion let out a watery laugh. Aqua quickly hid her smile behind her hand as Ansem approached, breathing heavily. “Hello,” he said, straightening up, adjusting his lab coat like it mattered. Naminé was right behind him, clutching a bunch of vials to her chest, looking panicked and scared. “I see Demyx wasn’t incorrect about the situation.”

“Hey doc,” Axel said cheerily. “Tell me you got a cure!”

“No.” Ansem crossed his arms. “But I hope you will consent to letting me draw some blood.”

Axel shrugged and held out his good arm, dislodging Xion. She tucked herself back against his side anyways, saying “But you cured some rats, didn’t you?” She kept glancing at the bite out of the corner of her eye, unable to decide if she wanted to look at Axel or Ansem or the death mark. Her lips were trembling. “Doesn’t that mean anything?”

“How did you - yes, but that’s not a _human_.” Ansem cut a glance at Naminé that said, very clearly, what he thought of her telling her girlfriend about their progress. “It’s very different!”

“What about those infected you got last month?”

“That’s still not - yes, the results were promising, but that’s a very different situation!”

Naminé carefully stepped around him and started cleaning off the blood off his arm. Sora reached out and Riku stepped forward almost unthinkingly so that Sora could grab his wrist, painfully tight. Roxas did the same, letting Xion drag him close until they were all in a huddle, all of them unable to let go for many desperate reasons.

Axel carefully reached into his back pocket and pulled out - a plain brown wallet that he was avoiding getting any blood on. “Rox, do me a favor and grab my license, okay, it says I’m an organ donor.”

Roxas took the wallet and threw it right back in Axel’s face, where it hit his forehead and bounced off into the grass. “I hate you.” Axel cracked up. Roxas looked like he was about to smile too and he was mad about it. “How long have you been carrying that around just in case?”

Axel threw his head back, laughing. “About four goddamn years.”. Sora’s spare hand, the one that wasn’t around Axel’s skinner waist, covered his mouth as he tried to stop grinning. Axel probably been carrying it around to keep a sense of normalcy in his life, but damned if Axel wouldn’t find a great joke to go out on. Ansem didn’t find it very funny at all and scoffed and Axel rolled his eyes. “Anyways. I’m gonna die anyways, can’t you use me? I’m the perfect test subject.”

“Axel,” Xion chided, making a face.

“Sorry,” he said automatically, catching Riku’s eye. The corner of his mouth lifted up in the approximation of a grin. The more he did it, the harder it seemed for him. “I got to keep up the good cheer or - well, you know.”

He meant that he’d rather die than make his friends, his family, sad, but he’d probably get to do both. Riku swallowed.

Ansem nodded solemnly. “Naminé, wrap his arm.” Riku swore the flicker of a smile crossed his face. “I do think we’ll find a use for you after all,” he promised.

“Okay.” He nodded as Naminé stepped in, gloves on, carefully unwinding the scrap of T-shirt from around Axel’s wrist again. She sucked in a breath but Riku didn’t look this time either. “That’s creepy. Not really feeling the love.”

Ansem ignored that. Riku figured he probably had a lot of experience ignoring things, based on what little he knew of the man. He didn’t think anyone liked Ansem at all. “Okay, we should get you down to the lab.”

“Wait,” Roxas panicked. He stepped forward, almost dislodging Naminé, who luckily had finished wrapping up Axel’s arm. Roxas steadied her, pleading with Ansem. “Can’t he - can’t he stay out here?”

Ansem didn’t seem moved by the look on his face. “No.”

“Hold on,” Sora and Roxas said at the same time. Roxas actually reached out and tugged on Ansem’s elbow and Ansem jerked away from him so quickly Roxas actually stumbled, nearly slipping on the grass.

Riku stepped forward to steady him, heart racing. “Don’t touch him!”

Ansem glared at him. Riku felt his hands curl into fists, felt his whole body tense like a coiled spring. The outside world narrowed down to the two feet of space between his fists and Ansem and how he’d cross it. The man didn’t have a single shred of decency, let alone a soul.

“Everyone, calm down,” Aqua commanded, stepping in between Riku and Ansem, her hand hovering about Riku’s heart. “Axel, it’s your choice.”

Ansem butted in. “We need to be able to watch it-”

“It’s his choice,” Aqua repeated, pushing him slightly out of the way, voice so cold it sent shivers down Riku’s spine despite the heat. “I don’t care what you need. Axel is the important one here.”

“It’s fine.” Axel tried to reach out to touch Roxas but only got about an inch away before he was stopped by the handcuffs. “Roxas, it’s fine. Aqua, can you unchain me?”

“Sure,” Aqua said quietly, stepping forward. There was a quiet click as they fell off, Aqua palming them and sliding them back into the back pocket of her jeans.

Roxas stepped close to Axel once the chains were off, helping him up off the table. Axel staggered a little bit - he’d probably lost a lot of blood - and leaned against Roxas, breathing heavily. For a second, Riku couldn’t breathe for how lost Roxas looked. How empty. Had he looked that lost when it had been Sora?

Probably. Definitely.

“Hey,” Axel said quietly, directing it at Roxas. Riku looked away, down at Sora, who carefully turned away, his arm around Riku’s waist turning them both so that they were looking out at the grove of trees, instead of the blood and Roxas. It was all too familiar. Riku wished he could give them some privacy. “If this doesn’t work -”

“I know.”

“Don’t let me be like that,” Axel said over him, clearly needing to say it. He eyed the gun sitting just out of reach on the table. “Don’t. I mean it.”

“I won’t,” Roxas promised, because he was stronger than everyone here, he wouldn’t let Axel go through that the way Riku had intended to make Sora. Sora covered his gasp with his hand and then turned, buried his face in Riku’s chest. Crying, if his shaking shoulders under Riku’s hands were any indication. Riku just hoped he was holding him together enough.

“I’d ask you to promise but - I won’t know if you break it.”

“I won’t,” Roxas said forcefully. “I’ve got you.”

“Yeah,” Axel sighed. Maybe he was remembering the girl he'd demanded be buried, maybe he was thinking about the first one, whoever it was, that he'd had to let go. “And, if you ever see Isa around-”

“We’ll let him know,” Xion promised. Riku didn’t know how Isa was, but Roxas and Xion clearly did, and that’s what mattered, really.

“You guys are my best friends, you know that, right?”

“Of course we know that, silly,” Xion promised. Neither she or Roxas was tall enough to really help support Axel’s absurdly long limbs, but he didn’t seem to mind. “This is going to work, though.”

Axel nodded. “It’ll do something, that’s for sure,” he said. “Help me in, would you?”

Riku watched them go, slowly, step by step. Naminé seemed to be arguing with Ansem about something - probably he wanted them to move quicker, but Axel looked close to passing out and Roxas looked close to murder, so it probably wasn’t going to happen.

Kairi's hand tugged at Riku's wrist, leading him - and by extension, Sora - towards one of the rec rooms instead of letting them go up to the dorms. "Let's just -" she waved her hand towards the couch there, trailing off. "Yeah?"

"Okay, but I want snacks." Sora flopped onto the couch like it was sitcoms after soccer practice. He held out his arms and Kairi fell into them, sprawling across the couch so that Riku had to shove her feet off to even sit. Once he was settled, she threw her legs over his lap again until they were all twisted up together. A couple of other people filtered in as well; Xigbar was dragged in by Demyx and forcibly made to sit on the bean bags, which swallowed him so much he'd need a rescue mission to ever leave.

"I should have brought my ukulele," Demyx mourned, leaning against the couch.

"Please don't," Larxene snapped, shoving Xigbar over until he relinquished her favorite bean bag. She just forced him onto another one. "We really don't need the noise. This is a _tragedy_."

“You _hate_ Axel,” Demyx said.

“Of course I do,” Larxene replied.

Sora, because he was evil, said, "I like the ukulele."

Strangely, it felt exactly like a sleepover. Riku checked his watch - they had roughly forty-five hours to go until they knew exactly what had happened to Axel, and it was already getting late. The rec room was sweltering hot, of course, now that it was summer again, and Riku's skin was slick with sweat where it was pressed up against Kairi's thigh and Sora's shoulder, but he didn't move. It seemed things were always happening, even if a year had gone by. Riku tipped his head back to look at the ceiling. The movement caused Sora's shoulder to press a little more into his.

They'd really been here over a year. Their dorm room had been slowly decorated with stupid things that they picked up for town, and a vase on the dresser because Sora was always picking flowers and passing them Riku absently, a soft smile on his face. Riku had several pairs of clothes he rotated through; he had a new watch. Sora had learned to juggle by taking a book out of the library, which of course hadn't needed to be returned and just sat on their window sill for months while Sora hit himself in the head with whatever he was trying to juggle at the time. Fruit, most often. And Riku liked the movie nights and he liked all the talk of talking about expanding and getting livestock or maybe even moving campuses. It wasn’t bad here, not at all. Good, even.

Didn't normal life have the highs and the lows, the losses and the gains. Sora and Kairi piled on top of him, holding him down, a comfortable weight. Wasn't this life now? Life uninterrupted?

He didn't want to think about Roxas doing the same thing he had done. At least he had Xion with him, but they'd spend the night on the cold floor of the lab, waking up with aching bones while scientists stepped around them. Sora was probably thinking the same, wishing he could be with Roxas too. But they’d all be there no matter the outcome, ready to pull whoever was left up, to warm their cold hands, to help them take steps forward.

“Hey,” Sora mumbled, hooking his chin on Riku’s shoulder. Riku groaned. Sora was burning up, as per usual. It was like trying to cuddle the sun. “You okay? You looked your brain is caving in.”

“Thanks so much,” Riku told him, looking back up at the stain on the ceiling. “I’m finding the meaning of life.”

“Oh,” Sora said. “So your brain is working _very_ hard.”

Riku tried not to smile but Sora’s eyes were smiling and then they were both grinning. “Shut up,” Riku said. “I’m working on it.”

“Okay,” Sora pressed a sticky kiss to his shoulder. “Let me know when you find it.”

\-----

As it always did, things changed. It took a few months to organize, but one crisp spring morning, Riku woke up to that dorm room totally emptied out, his and Sora's belongings packed. Nothing left but the sheets and the comforter - they'd get new ones somewhere else, they always would.

It was time to move on.

Sora was tracing his hand down Riku's arm absently, which meant he'd been up for a while but didn't want to move. Riku shifted, slowly, the rough texture of Sora's scar familiar against his cheek. Sora had collected so many, they all had. Sora carried hundreds of them by now, the ones he’d gotten skateboarding and the ones he’d gotten from a knife through his hand.

None of them had meant anything like this, though.

Sora rustled around, sitting up. Riku turned his face against Sora’s hip, not ready to be _this_ awake, soothed by Sora’s hands automatically fussing with his hair. He didn’t want to say anything to break the silence, not yet, but then Sora did.

“Good morning!” He pushed the window shade up.

Riku groaned as the sun hit his face. “I hate you.”

He felt Sora press a kiss into his hair. “No you don’t,” he teased, climbing over Riku. “Come on. We have to go early.”

“There’s no time limit,” Riku mumbled, but he sat up anyways. Sora was pulling on his jeans, leaving his pajama bottoms crumpled on the floor. Riku felt a pang of sorrow, unexpected. He liked this home, a place where they could have things like kitten posters and pajama pants.

It would take them ages to get to the other side of the country. Maybe they could hotwire a car, if they found a military engine still working.

It didn’t have to be them, of course. Anyone could have gone. But Sora was the one saving the world. Sora still had the best chance of doing any good. Riku reached out, pulled him close, savoring this last moment of peace.

“Riku?” Sora questioned, his hands on Riku’s shoulders. “What’s up?”

“Nothing.”

“Do I look stupid to -” Sora stopped himself, eyes wide. “Wait, don’t answer that-”

“Yes, you do,” Riku interrupted, laughing. “Absolutely a fool.”

“Fuck off,” Sora said, smiling, letting Riku pull him back. “Talk to me.”

“I’ll just miss this place,” Riku admitted. The kitten poster was still on the back of the door.

“You want to stay,” Sora guessed, running his fingers over the knobs of Riku’s spine. “Yeah?”

Riku pressed his head against Sora’s chest. “No,” he disagreed. “No, I - I don’t think I do, actually. I - you’re really going to change the world, Sora. I want that for you.” And - he wanted the world to change. Sora was the key to everything, even if the cure was a little more concrete now. He wanted to be the one to wander out, finding other compounds, making his way to D.C., where supposedly there was still a president. Maybe they could find their way out of these ruins. Maybe they’d just return here after a year and see if there was still a home for them. Either way, it’d be them together.

Sora cocked his head. “I didn’t do it alone, you know.” Always so contrary. “I want that for _us_.”

Riku smiled. So classic Sora. He could be saving the world a hundred times over and never think about or want the credit, so long as he was helping people. “I didn’t do anything. I was just with you.”

Sora smiled. “Yeah, exactly, you were with me,” he said simply. “That meant everything. You saved me, Riku.”

Riku could feel his face burning. “Stop.”

“Never,” Sora replied, and he meant it. “Get ready, okay? Breakfast, and then we go.”

“Got it,” Riku agreed, and then Sora was out the door, taking his backpack with him. Riku leaned back against the wall for a second, stretching. It was going to be a long day of walking, but they could handle it.

They wouldn’t be alone this time, either. Roxas, once again, would be by their side, and Xion too. Axel would pick up another pack of smokes somewhere, like magic, and with luck, they’d create a world where he could ruin his lungs again.

Riku could still practically feel the palpable tension that had faded in the rec room, months ago, when Xion had opened the door, letting them now it had been fifty hours and Axel was still cognizant. Sora had thrown his hands up, nearly elbowing Riku in the face, yelling with happiness. Demyx had started crying, and then Kairi had too, until the whole room was in tears, Riku trying to swallow them down but not trying very hard.

So they hadn’t had to watch their best friend turn mindless. Two people who loved him hadn’t had to kill him after all.

It wasn’t perfect - Axel still carried the infection, currently, the proof of it in one white eye, but that was why he was coming too. It was mostly fine, though occasionally he’d just collapse, eyes rolling up into the back of his head. It took about ten minutes for whatever it was - seizure or fainting spell, Ansem still didn’t know after months of prodding and poking - to subside, so nothing was perfect. But he said he wanted to find his friend, Isa. And they’d all be with him, out in the wild, to make sure he was okay.

Riku gave himself five minutes to lean against the wall and mourn the life they’d built here, too. He spread his hands across the cheery yellow of the comforter, hand pausing over one of the little white flowers. It seemed like they were always leaving the good behind. But there was good ahead, too.

In the end, he only needed three minutes. Then he stood up and found his jeans, his shoes, and his gun. Every bullet, every handgun, all of them were removed from the top drawer of the dresser. Sora had taken his rifle, his bow and arrows, the ridiculous baseball bat with nails in it.

Riku hefted his rifle up off the ground, checking the bullet chamber. For over a year now, this gun had lived in the armory, rarely taken out because a few handguns were enough when he went off campus.

It hadn’t seen real use in ages, but Riku had kept it clean, shined, serviced, just in case, like most of the weapons in the compound. Locked away, not forgotten, like everything else in the past six years.

He slung the rifle over his shoulder, running his fingers over the familiar fraying threading on the shoulder strap. There wasn’t anything else. His bag was full, the sleeping bag strapped to the bottom. He’d carefully wrapped all the cans so that wouldn’t rattle. There was nothing else in this room.

He swiped their name off the door with some difficulty - they hadn’t touched the whiteboard in so long that parts of Sora’s name stubbornly remained in bright orange marker.

Maybe someone else would take this room. Maybe no one ever would. A bunch of the rooms on this floor were empty again, since half its occupants were leaving. Xion’s room next door, Roxas’s across the hall, all the names had been wiped off the whiteboards, like the end of the spring semester. Except he wasn’t coming back next year.

There was an extra helping at breakfast for him, not served by Demyx but one of the other workers, but all too soon, they were all standing at the gates. Sora was carefully listening to Aqua, who was giving him instructions for the umpteenth time. He was the only one who was still nice enough to listen to her; everyone else had started walking away ages ago. He couldn’t blame her for being nervous, but this time, it wasn’t a group of three of them, barely holding it together, unable to trust a single other person.

Well. Not that Riku _trusted_ some of the scientists who were tagging along. He actually liked Ienzo and Demyx happily had his arm slung around him, so Riku didn’t have to worry about him. And Aeleus and Dilan could take care of themselves.

Others, though...

“I can’t believe we’re doing this again,” Kairi grumbled, leaning down to perfect the shoelaces on her boots. She’d found a bright orange pair somewhere, kept looking down at them with a smile. “And with _him_.” She shot a look at Ansem, who had a rifle over his shoulder and looked utterly out of sorts without his lab coat on.

Riku frowned. “I wouldn’t mind if he died,” he said thoughtfully, which make Kairi bark with laughter. Unfortunately, he probably wouldn’t. Evil people had a habit of sticking around.

“Don’t let him hear you say that,” Xion whispered, leaning close with an over dramatic look on her face. “What if he tries to teach us things about science?”

Naminé huffed, sliding on a pair of sunglasses as the sun climbed higher. “He better not.”

Xion slipped her hand into Naminé’s, happily swinging their linked hands back and forth. “I used to live in terror of my dad pulling out flashcards.” She shivered like math could snipe her even now. “What if he makes _flashcards_!”

Naminé hid her smile behind her hand. “I’ll have to save you, then.”

Sora accepted his last hug from Aqua and hitched his backpack up on his shoulders. Ansem started walking the second Sora pulled away from Aqua, not looking back to see if anyone was following hm. Dilan did immediately, Aeleus following after a few beats, ushering Even between them.

Riku touched the knife holstered at his leg, just to reassure himself. Moving with a group this big, it was bound to be slow going, and loud. And Riku didn’t trust that half the scientists could actually use the guns they were carrying. Definitely not Even, who handled his like a newborn fawn, barely able to figure out the trigger. Riku had bet two extra night shifts in Axel’s betting pool on only four days until he accidentally shot himself in the foot and Ansem decided to leave him behind. Probably only Even’s actual scientific skills would save him. He _had_ been the one to isolate a certain mutation in Sora’s blood cells or antibodies or who even knew.

But there was safety in numbers, and they had tents. They’d be able to sleep full nights in a row with this many people, instead of having to wake up in the middle to take shifts. It’d be slow going, but they’d get to D.C. They’d get to Ven.

Sora had the letters from Ven tucked into this inside pocket of his jacket, carefully detailing instructions on how to find him. Even if they’d been writing for more than year, they still hadn’t seen him either. Any hundreds of things could have happened to him, just like they had happened to Sora, to Riku, to Roxas. Sora bore the scars around his collar like a necklace, the rest carved into his heart as well. Riku could barely touch him without running his fingers over old scar tissue and he knew he was the same, that Sora’s wandering fingers paused over the scars on his fingers, his knee, that they couldn’t hold hands without rough scar tissue matching up like rings.

But that was just another reason to leave, as if saving the world wasn’t enough. They didn’t even know what the world was like out there anymore.

“God, feels like we just did this,” Roxas grumbled. His bag was overstuffed, practically over balancing from the weight, but then, all of their bags were. They were carrying a lot more than just the survival cans of beans and sleeping bags they’d scrounged for last time. “Like, we _just_ did this. And it sucked.”

Riku knew how he felt, a bit, but Roxas wasn’t angry, not really. There was a light in his eyes, a little bit of familiar fire. They were all a little bit the same inside, the same yearning for more. Riku nudged him. “That doesn’t mean you’re going to get jealous of me again, right though?”

“I’m _not_ -” Roxas started, before he caught sight of Riku’s grin. He shoved him back. “Fuck you!”

Riku laughed, letting the force from Roxas’s push carry him back until he was in stride with Sora. It was odd to be at the end of the line _with_ someone this time. Before this it had always been Riku alone, looking at the back of the blonde and brown hair in front of him, ears trained not on their quiet meaningless words but snapped twigs and shuffling footsteps.

It was nice to have company back here.

“Aqua wanted me to give this to you.” Sora pulled a small folded map out of his pocket. “I don’t think she trusts me to navigate us out of a paper bag.”

Riku snorted, folding the map once more and stuffing it into his front pocket. “She knows you well.”

“Hey!” Sora protested, ducking under the gate, gas mask clicking against his belt. Riku smiled at him, ducking under the guard that Sora was holding up for him. “Don’t be mean!”

“I would _never_.”

Sora tried hard to deny the smile that was spreading over his face. He could never do a very good job of it, his joy always shone through his eyes so clearly that Riku was struck breathless from the quiet force of it. “Love me properly, I know you know how.”

Now it was Riku’s turn to try and hide his smile. “Of course,” he said solemnly, shielding his eyes. He gave up the ghost after a second, letting his lips curl up as the sun peeked over the rooftops ahead of them. “You did get us here.”

“Damn right I did,” Sora said. To their left, they passed the town marker. The compound was a mile behind. Aqua and Terra had been talking about a new name for the compound anyways, but that was beyond Riku now.

Sora stopped just near the town line. No fanfare. Riku actually took several steps past until he realized the Sora wasn’t by his side and turned around, watching the sun light his hair up golden like a halo until it touched his eyes, covering all the blue with fire. “Sora?”

Sora was staring at the road ahead, the sunlight and the shadows curving against the black of the pavement, the faded lines. The rest of the group kept getting smaller, each step taking them farther and farther away. “Are you ready for this?”

“What, the town?” Riku asked, raising an eyebrow. Sora snorted, so Riku added, “The rest of the world?”

Sora nodded, sliding his hand into Riku’s. It fit perfectly. “New adventure, right?"

That outlook - always so sunny, so ready for anything. Riku loved him impossibly so. Riku used his hand to spin Sora around into a kiss, his hand pressing into the small of Sora’s back. Sora grabbed his collar, pulling him closer, laughing so bright that Riku was holding the sun itself in his palms. “Yeah,” Riku promised, voice rough. “It always is with you.”

Sora smiled at him, blinding. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> realistically how long would it take to make a zombie cure? i really could not say but it SEEMS like it'd more than like a year and a half . im not a scientist dont @ me i practically failed bio . and also i dont care just pretend its magic or that ienzo is like fucking . edward alric levels of smart or something
> 
> anyways!!!!! thank u guys so much for reading! i really almost quit this fic like . a thousand times, its over a year old, and im glad i got to put it out there

**Author's Note:**

> a thousand thanks to @gay_to_dawn for helping me brainstorm this fic and its entire bananas plot!!!
> 
> you can find me on twitter @sorikuvalid and tumblr @ timetoboldlygo


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